My One And Only Page #3

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Holden hates phonies more than anything.

Holden Caulfield

is a fictional character, George.

You ever think about goin' back to Dad?

He's your father, not mine.

What was your father like?

I saw a picture of him once.

His pants were too short.

You think Mom is crazy?

I can't tell.

She's the only one I've had.

Every time there's a picture

of a Communist in the school...

he's always wearing a wool cap

and driving a tractor.

That's 'cause Stalin

killed all the designers.

That's why we're fighting

Communism, boys.

Because we're a country

that's founded on individualism.

- Right, George?

- Yes, sir.

Hell, if the Commies did take over,

everybody would be wearing the same clothes.

Every street would have

the same exact stores...

no matter which town you went to,

each the same as the next.

That's why our boys

are fighting and dying...

so that doesn't happen.

[Whispering]

[Clears Throat]

[Both Snickering]

Did I say something funny, George?

It was nothing, sir.

They weren't laughing at you, honey.

They were laughing with you.

What was there to laugh with, George?

[Ann]

I think you're overreacting, darling.

Don't tell me I'm overreacting.

Why am I so goddamn funny, George?

Harlan.

Oh.

[Chuckles]

I'm sorry. I must be overtired.

It's probably just battle fatigue, sir.

Sorry about that, Georgie boy.

[Line Ringing]

[Woman]

Hello? Who is this?

Nicky, is that you? Hello?

[Dan] Oh, sweetie,

it's the middle of the damn night.

- Just hang up.

- [Line Disconnects]

- Dad, it's...

- [Dial Tone]

[Dog Barking In Distance]

[Harlan]

Find anything interesting, George?

- No, sir. Good night, sir.

- Sit.

- I've gotta go.

- Sit.

Sit.

You think of yourself as

the man of the family, don't ya?

- My brother's older.

- Robbie's... Well, let's just say...

that Robbie's not likely

to be the man in anyone's family.

I'm gonna marry your mother.

- I know.

- That's going to make me the man of the family.

[Dog Barking In Distance]

It's like dogs, see?

In every pack,

there's a leader of the pack.

You've been that dog for a while.

Now, I'm going to be top dog.

And there's always the dog

that challenges the leader.

Things can get pretty nasty

till one of them wins.

Son, you can fight me...

but I guarantee you,

you're going to lose.

You understand?

Woof, sir.

So, what's Harlan

gonna wear for the wedding?

His uniform, I assume.

- Does he sleep in that thing too?

- George!

Doesn't that just break your heart?

We should buy them something.

[Ann]

What a sweet idea.

- How much should we spend?

- How much did Harlan give you?

- $500.

- Spend it all.

Oh, I can't, George.

That money has to pay...

for the caterers, the band, the flowers.

And before that,

there's a rehearsal dinner.

Look at them, Mother.

Are you telling me that you spent all the money

I gave you on a bunch of crippled kids?

I just couldn't help myself.

And you should've seen them, darling.

They were so happy.

I don't care if they were

shitting wedding bells.

You stole 500 bucks from me.

I didn't steal it, and I'll pay you back.

How are you gonna do that?

How are you going to pay me back?

- How?

- It was my idea.

[Ann]

It was not your idea.

I bet it was your idea, you little turd.

It was my idea, and don't call him that.

I'll call him any damn thing I wanna call him.

Now, give me back that necklace.

- What are you talking about?

- The one you're wearing.

The pearl necklace I gave you.

Give it to me.

- Why?

- I'm returning it for the money you owe me.

Give it to me.

I will not.

- Give me that goddamn necklace!

Give me those goddamn pearls!

- Oh!

- [George] Leave her alone!

- Come here!

- [Screams]

- Give me those damn pearls!

You hear me, woman?

- Leave her alone!

- I order you to give me those pearls right now!

Damn it, stop! You stop!

If you touch my boy again...

you miserable son of a b*tch,

I will kill you!

- [Grunts Loudly]

- Oh...

[Groans]

[Rock On Speakers]

You jumped on his back?

Your brother was so brave.

Are we going home now?

- You know we can't do that.

- Why not?

- Because your father doesn't love me.

- Why not?

Well, you'll have

to ask him that yourself.

- We don't have any money left, do we?

- We have plenty of money.

How much?

Enough to keep us until I find someone.

- You mean, like, a husband?

- And a father.

Does it worry you that the last one

you picked turned out to be a total psycho?

So, where's the next spot on the map?

Where is that map?

What's this?

- It's mine.

- Be careful, George.

Does he ever write you back?

Where's he gonna write to?

Howard Johnson's?

- Well, what do you have to say

to your father anyway?

- A lot of stuff.

- Such as?

- Guy stuff.

Women, guns, ice fishing.

Women.

What your father knows about women...

wouldn't begin to fill a postcard.

That man's all potatoes and no meat.

Let's just go.

- Where to this time?

- [Engine Starts]

- [Ann] This is it here.

- [George Narrating] Next stop was Pittsburgh.

We were getting short on money,

and my mother knew that...

unless she found herself a husband fast...

she'd have to swallow her pride and head back

to New York, which would've been fine with me.

I almost married a man in this city.

You almost married a man in every city.

Sarcasm is the refuge of scoundrels.

- Gene Kelly was born in Pittsburgh.

- Now I feel much better.

Suite 203.

- Not so bad.

- Yeah, look. Wall-to-wall floors.

Is that your car?

Yeah. It's a Cadillac Eldorado.

I know what it is.

How come you're staying here

if you're so rich?

We're not rich.

Well, your mom's pretty.

Is that her hair?

Whose else would it be?

I mean, is that her real color?

- I guess so.

- A lot of women color their hair.

Not me, though.

- What are you doing here?

- Mother's looking for a husband.

- Anyone in particular?

- Apparently not, no.

- Where's your father?

- He's a band leader in New York.

Like Ricky Ricardo?

Yeah. Yeah, like him.

Hey, Bud.

Lucy and little Ricky moved in next door.

This is my brother Bud.

Bud doesn't talk much.

- Hello.

- Nice car, ma'am.

Thank you.

The automobile is seen

as a symbol of latent sexuality.

Sometimes male, sometimes female.

Fins are often compared

to the lines of a raised skirt...

taillights to a sexual organ.

Myself, I think the Cadillac is feminine.

If you ever have any trouble with it,

I'll fix it for you.

We take it to a gynecologist.

[Girl] Those are the most words

Bud's ever said at one time.

Maybe in his whole life put together.

[Woman]

Sail the sunlight sparkling on the bay

[Continues, Indistinct]

[Ann]

It's called a TV dinner.

That's because it tastes like a TV?

It comes in that one little package,

and it practically cooks itself.

Maybe it could eat itself too.

Why don't we just go out?

No. We're poor now.

We're gonna have to drop out of school...

start working in the steel mills.

- Oh, I love those boots they wear.

- We have plenty of money.

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