Myra Breckinridge Page #6

- Now, then. Bottoms up.

- Hey.

Now, you must be

very still.

- I don't want that thermometer

broken, Rusty.

- Tell me...

- have you ever suffered from tuberculosis?

- No.

- Heart disease?

- No.

- Chicken pox?

- No.

- Smallpox?

- No.

- Measles?

- N o.

- venereal disease?

- Nu.

- Be careful, Rusty.

-l said, No!

We'll see.

They checked me out in Mexico.

I had the Wassermann test.

Really. Hmm.

What are you doing?

I'm preparing you

for your brace.

- Oh, Christ.

- What's the matter, Rusty?

- I said, Oh, Christ.

- What is it, Rusty?

You're playing some kind of joke on me.

I know you are.

You're playing

some kind of joke.

Oh, this is

no joke, Rusty.

I'm in deadly earnest.

You have a lot to learn.

All you men

have a lot to learn.

And I have taken it

upon myself...

to teach you.

What do you mean?

This is the most important

part of your education.

The part your teachers

failed to instruct you in.

Take off your hat.

- It's called balling.

- Well, I know how to do that.

That's what you think.

- Did you know you have a temperature?

- No, I didn't.

Well, you do. But no matter.

I shall cure what's wrong with you.

- What are you gonna do?

I shall ball you, Rusty.

It's very simple.

And now, ladies and gentlemen...

And now, ladies and gentlemen...

what you've all been

waiting for...

the wildest, buckingest

bronc in the world.

He's never been ridden before.

- Cherry, the man-killer.

Oh, well, what nature intended

is not always good for us, Rusty.

You think that being a man

is such a simple thing.

A man should ball chicks,

you said.

Well, I tried to explain it to you,

but you wouldn't listen.

So, I'm afraid it will require

a practical demonstration.

[Grunting]

Oh, my God.

Jesus, you'll kill me.

- I won't kill you, Rusty.

I 'll just educate you.

You and the rest of America.

- It must be

demonstrated to you practically...

that there is

no such thing as manhood.

- It died with Burt Lancaster...

in Vera Cruz.

Your manhood was taken

by Errol Flynn and Clark Gable.

lam only going to supply you

with the finishing touches.

Oh, God.

I reckon none of you northern folks

ever heard a Texas cowhand...

making love to his gal.

Well, you're gonna

hear it now.

Charge!

God, no, what are you--

She certainly

leaned on that one.

- Get 'em. Get up there.

- Oh! Oh!

Ah, that's what

I call disgusting.

Why don't you

show him how, Sergeant?

I'm coming, Scarlett. I'm coming.

I'm coming, Lana.

I'm coming.

Hooray for Mickey Mouse

and Donald Duck.

Uncle Sam, here I...

co-o-o-o-om e!

- Marvelous. Absolutely marvelous.

- Leave him alone.

It's the first time in my whole life

I've ever really enjoyed opera.

Can I go now?

Yes.

You can go...

HOW.

Well, aren't you going to thank me

for all the trouble I've taken?

Thank you, ma'am.

- You know what, Ollie?

- What?

I feel like a mouse.

We had to do it.

It hurt me more than it did him.

Poor Daniel.

[Sobbing]

Oh.

$422'???

Well, are you alone?

Come right up.

Why are you so

fascinated by the girl?

But having raped

Rusty's manhood...

I must now

complete the cycle...

and seduce his girl.

Only then will

my victory be complete...

thus exerting power

over both sexes...

- and indeed over life itself.

Boy, she's

a tough customer.

What are you

moping about?

She's so sweet.

Come on.

- Mary Ann.

- Oh, Myra.

Why, Mary Ann,

what's the matter?

Rusty's gone again.

Gone? Where?

I don't know.

I just don't understand.

Well, let me

fix you a drink.

It'll soothe

your nerves.

Didn't he give you

any explanation at all?

No. Nothing.

It was frightening.

Just that he was sick of me.

Sick of women.

Sick of women?

- He actually said that?

- Yes.

Well, I'm certain

he didn't mean sick of you.

- Oh, sick of women in general, perhaps.

I don't know.

Both, I guess.

Men.

They're all alike.

But don't you worry.

We'll find him.

We've just got to.

I may never see him again.

Of course you will.

You'll see. Everything

will work out just fine.

I'm so worried.

I just can? go back there.

You don't have to.

You can stay here with me.

Oh, no. I couldn't.

I insist.

- Are you sure?

- Absolutely.

It's really

no bother at all.

Really. We'll just

find you something to wear.

Now, then.

Let me see.

[Sighing]

- [Mumbling]

Those are men's pajamas.

Oh.

So they are.

How indiscreet.

You've had a very

trying day, Mary Ann.

I really feel you should

go right to bed.

I don't know how to thank you.

You've been so sweet to me, Myra.

And don't you worry

about Rusty.

It's either them or me.

I told him.

And of course it will be

you, my darling.

Now, let's have

a nice girlie evening.

I'll tell you howl lost my virginity,

if you tell me how you lost yours.

- Jesus.

- There we go.

Oh, Rusty.

Oh.

There, there,

my dear.

He's only a man,

and not good enough for you.

- How well I remember my own puppy love.

- No sh*t.

Mmm, Myra?

This is Leticia. Rusty's at

the beach house with me right now.

I'm calling to say thanks.

Oh, I'm--

I'm so glad you liked him.

Uh, is it

the right color?

Well, I guess so.

It's the usual color.

- Didn't you ever make it with him?

- Not in the classic way, no.

Well, I 'm-- I hope

he sleeps well in his new home.

I wouldnt entrust him

to just anyone.

- Good night, dear lady.

- Oh, well. Good night.

Come on, honey. Let's take

another trip around the world.

Charlie, I've knowed you

ever since you was a cough and a spit.

Charlie, I've knowed you

ever since you was a cough and a spit.

- Gee.

- I've watched you become the dream...

of every parent this

side of San Diego.

- Wow.

- You're a fine boy, Charlie.

- A fine boy.

- Gee, uh, thanks, Uncle Buck.

You know what I've

always thought of you...

ever since you did that

morning television show on ABC.

I can tell you now,

Uncle Buck, that--

Well, you've

always been my idol.

I've lost more fights over you

at UCLA than anything else.

I'm very moved to hear you

say that, very moved.

Also, I'm pleased to hear

you're a fighter...

'cause this Myra Breckinridge

is more than a match...

for most men--

more than a match.

l'll do my best, Uncle Buck, and, if my best

isn't good enough, well, that's too bad.

Not quite, Charlie. Not quite.

- If your best ain't good enough...

you might just as well

pack up and move to Milwaukee.

- There she is.

Remember, the, uh,

velvet hand and the iron glove.

- Come in, Myra.

- Okay. Let her rip.

- This better be good.

Who's this? It looks like

The Late, Late Show.

Myra, this is Charlie Flager

of Flager & Flager.

I thought you two should get together and sort

out the little problems we've been having.

Problems, Uncle Buck?

I don? have any problems.

All I know is

that you owe me $900,000..

And the price of real estate

is going up every day.

I think you should know that

Charlie's dad and me have been pals...

ever since he handled me when I had

that row with the Blue Network.

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