Myra Breckinridge Page #7

I-- I guess that we value

Mr. Loner's account...

more than any single

non corporate account.

Like Dad always says,

Buck Loner has a real reputation.

Uh, for being, like,

a straight shooter.

When you two lovebirds are finished,

perhaps you'll tell me...

what lousy, dirty trick

you're up to now.

No lousy tricks, Mrs. Breckinridge.

I am simply here...

to defend my client's interest,

which in this case...

is your alleged claim to, like, half

the value of this Westwood property.

- Alleged?

- Alleged.

That marriage certificate

is an out-and-out phony.

Oh.

It isn't easy being a woman,

Uncle Buck...

especially when you have

to fight your own family...

for what's rightfully yours.

Honey, honey, honey.

We don't want to take what's yours.

That's the last thing on our mind.

But we gotta make sure

you're entitled to it.

Like, you might be an impersonator

saying you are who you are.

And after Gertrude gave you

that $200 back in Philadelphia...

to pay for the abortion of the daughter

of that Rexall druggist...

you knocked up and refused to marry.

The point is, can you prove

you were married?

That 's all.

Proof will arrive before the end of the week

in the person of Dr. Randolph Spencer Montag.

Montag?

- The great dental psychiatrist?

- He was a witness to our wedding.

I trust his word

will be sufficient.

Let me make it

perfectly clear that it might.

In any case,

my price has gone up...

to an even million dollars.

- How old were you then?

Long distance call,

Dr. Montag.

Yeah. Uh, Mondo--

No, no. Montag here.

Yeah? Oh. Oh, Myra.

How are ya, kid.

How's your teeth?

Spit out now.

- So, my so-- - Myra, dental health is

mental health. Will you remember that?

- John Phillips tried to rape me.

-Open.

- And I said, Oh, how can he do that?

- What?

Myra, believe me that your appeal

reaches me at every level...

- from lower id to superego.

After all, I realize that our

relationship was always much more...

than that simply of

analyst to patient.

- I'm also your dentist.

No-- No, Myra, I've got

other patients who need me too.

- And he shouldn't have done it.

- Spit out now, dear.

Oh, you've got such lovely b*obs.

They're such a comfort to me.

No, I said 15, Myra.

Open up.

Fifteen percent.

I'm in L.A. tomorrow.

Mighty kind of you, Doc, coming

all this way to help our little Myra.

- Of course, we all mean to do the right

thing by her. - Then cut the crap...

- and handover the cash. - Naturally, we are,

uh, not about to question the probity...

of such a well-known person

and author as Dr. Montag.

- Yes?

- New York calling Mr.

Flager. -Which Mr. Flager?

Mr. Flager, Jr.

Take it, junior.

In the bathroom, you idiot.

Uh, I have to

go to the bathroom.

Do you get to

the movies much, Doctor?

- I say do you get

to the movies much, Doctor?

I was wondering what you thought

about all the pornography we have.

- Pornography. Uh-- - I was wondering

what you thought about it in our movies.

I've never seen

any of your movies.

I mean our current American picture,

which is loaded with smut.

- Smut. Yes.

- Uh, listen, could--

- Smut. Yes.

- Uh, listen, could--

- Uh, attention, everybody.

Uh, uh, I guess you all know,

uh, th-that was a call, uh...

from our, uh,

New York office.

- What did they say?

- Oh, uh, Dad, um...

before we get into that, I--

I think it might be nice, at this time...

to put everyone in the picture

as to the background.

- Uh, would you tell him to--

- Shut up and get to the point.

The point is,

Mrs. Breckinridge...

that no record of your husband's death

exists in New York City or State.

- Strike.

- Just remember, Myra...

these people don't

screw around.

Everything's legal

and aboveboard.

Not like in some places I can mention

south of the border down Mexico way.

Listen, I say the man's dead,

you unmitigated sh*t.

And that means he's dead.

Oh, I 'll admit his body

was never found. That's true.

He died in a car accident

outside the Bank of America.

Fire!

- Beverly Hills branch. - There is not

one iota of evidence that he is dean'...

and we are not going to

pay you one single penny.

Strike.

Randolph...

I believe the moment of truth

has finally arrived.

Go get 'em.

Gentlemen...

I am Myron Breckinridge.

Uncle Buck,

your fag nephew...

became your niece two years ago

in Copenhagen...

and is now free as a bird

and happy in being...

the most extraordinary woman

in the world. [Chuckles]

And I thought

I fell in love with a man.

- That's the ball game.

- [ Myra Chuckling]

Uh, Stanley,

what time is it?

It's about half past--

Something went wrong.

Either you keep me on here,

or l'll tell the world...

that Buck Loner's fag nephew became

his niece two years ago in Copenhagen.

I could kill him. I could kill him

if I could get away with it.

Strike that.

Anyway, thank God...

I never slipped him

the old Buck Loner special.

Myra, don't.

It spoils it.

All right. Whatever you say, Mary Ann.

But I do love

being with you like this.

I'm sorry, Myra.

I just can't.

I wish I could, really.

Love isn't always

a matter of sex, you know.

Well, I know.

And I really do love you as you are.

I even like it

when you touch me.

Up to a point.

I don't know.

I just can't

let myself go.

That's the way I am.

Well, is it Rusty?

No, that's finished.

But someone like him.

Someone gentle.

Rusty gentle?

I thought he was violent.

No. Whatever

gave you that idea?

It's because he was so gentle

that I loved him.

He never grabs you

like the other boys.

Oh, you are an angel,

Myra, and I do love you.

I really do.

I just can't,

you know?

Yes. Of course. I know.

If only there were

some man like you.

I'd really fall.

l would.

But not like this.

If only you were a man.

[Thinking]

l'll get you this time.

It's a dangerous thing,

ambition.

Ruined Mickey Mouse's

whole career.

Well, now it's

eight bars and out, honey.

You were no more than

a Linda Darnell paper doll.

A Disney cow

that got over the fence.

You got ambitious.

You were great in CinemaScope

and Technicolor...

but you can? cut it in

black and white.

- Magnificent!

Funny...

when I waited for you...

you didn't come.

But now you have come, and...

I must go away.

You will remember the day in the desert.

- Fl! remember,.

Where are my tits?

Where are my tits?

Good morning, Nurse.

Ah, what have we got here?

When you get to 103, sell.

There you go.

Hey, forty chin-ups, baby.

What are you doing, writing home

for money? What are you saying there?

Hey, Dustin Hoffman.

Midnight Cowboy.

Hi, Charlie.

You're looking good.

Soul food here?

Don't let 'em get down here, baby.

Oh, here, here. Watch that.

You'll go crazy. [ Mumbles]

Huh? Are we conscious?

I am.

I'm not sure about you.

- The Lost Moment.

- Uh, Martin Gabel, 1949.

- '47.

- '47. That's silly of me.

- The Heiress was 1949.

- The- that's Willy Wyler.

- I thought of that because of Henry James.

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