Mystery Men Page #9

SPHINX:

You call yourselves superheroes? A rooster

fights more intelligently than you! You have

shown yourself to your enemy and revealed your

powers to him--and what have you accouplished

for this? You have destroyed his car.

Brilliant! If you want to survive you must

fight like a wolf pack--not like a six pack!

Furious sulks, but the others get the point.

SPHINX:

The wolf is cunning. He knows that stealth is

his greatest weapon, and he always fights as a

team...

(more)

SPHINX (Cont'd)

(at Furious)

Not like some drunken Tejano on Saturday night.

Furious grunts.

SPHINX:

Casanova Frankenstein is a a master of evil.

You will need more than shovels and dessert

forks to stop him... What else have you got?

They are silent.

FURIOUS:

(angrily)

So what else has Superman got?

SHOVELER:

He's got the fact that he's Superman!

BOWLER:

Bullets bounce off him!

Furious sulks again, feeling that the others are turning against him.

RAJA:

Firepower costs money.

INVISIBLE BOY:

Anybody got any?

A silence.

SHOVELER:

We didn't think this through very well.

BOWLER:

(after a moment)

My father had this friend... He was an inventor...

EXT. DOC HELLER'S FARMHOUSE - DAY

Our heroes stand looking at an old farubouse. The place is an absolute

wreck. It hasn't been painted in twenty-five years. Windows are

boarded up. Half the shingles are gone. There's visible fire damage

around the kitchen window.

SHOVELER:

Are you sure he's still lives here?

RAJA:

Are you sure he's still alive?

BOWLER:

He was the last time I saw him.

SHOVELER:

When was that?

BOWLER:

I was eight.

She is about to knock, but the door is suddenly yanked open, and an

eighty year old guy is standing there. He's got a wild head of white

hair (that looks like a living explosion), and he wears a stained old

lab coat with stickum mtssages to himself stuck to it, non-matching

slippers, and a pair of thick glasses with frames that have been

composited of half a dozen different old pairs all taped and welded

together into a fantastic concoction. He is DOC HELLER.

HELLER:

Yes!

BOWLER:

Doctor Heller?

HELLER:

(doesn't recognize her)

Yes!

BOWLER:

It's me... Elizabeth.

HELLER:

Elizabeth! Little Elizabeth! Why you're so...

middle aged!

BOWLER:

Thanks.

HELLER:

How's your dad?

BOWLER:

He's dead.

HELLER:

Oh that's right--they squished him... Heck of

a guy.

Furious throws a look at the Shoveler and Raja. This guy's out of it.

They're wasting their time.

BOWLER:

Doc, these are my friends. We're superheroes,

and we need your help.

HELLER:

Well, I give to the United Way, and I feel that

sort of covers--

SPHINX:

Doctor, we need your weapons.

HELLER:

(ecstatic)

My weapons? You need my weapons?

EXT. BEHIND THE HOUSE - A MINUTE LATER - MOVING ANGLE

as Doctor Heller leads them all briskly across his overgrown yard

toward... the barn.

HELLER:

The military establishment has never understood

me. They won't return my phone calls, much

less field test anything. But I knew that

someday I'd get my chance, and now... here you

are!

(pulls open the barn door)

INT. THE BARN - CONTINUOUS

As our heroes step into Heller's laboratory/arsenal. A stack of small

aluminum cans lines one wall. There are weird lookinq sprayers, tubes,

and strange homemade toy-like devices... but there isn't a firearm in

sight.

RAJA:

But, Doc... where's the machine guns?

SHOVELER:

The bazookas?

INVISIBLE BOY:

The lasers?

HELLER:

You don't need that junk! You see, for

thousands of years mankind has been immolating,

disemboweling, and exploding itself. Why?

Because we have this built-in screwed up need

to go to war!

(more)

HELLER (Cont'd)

So as a young man I thought, why nat have the

fun and excitement of war, without all that

unnecessary bloodshed. That's why I have

devoted my life to developing an arsenal of

highly sophisticated non-lethal military

weapons.

(points to a hand held tube)

Air cannons... Blame throwers... Feet seeking

missiles... And perhaps my ultimate

invention...

(picks up one of the small cans)

The canned tornado.

Furious groans, and the others share a look. This guy's really a nut.

HELLER:

Now here's a beauty!

(picks up a purple and orange sprayer

that looks like a suped up water gun)

I call it the Shrinker! I developed it after

years of studying the worst dry cleaners I

could find. It instantly shrinks fabrics to

half their size. Anyone caught in its spray is

immediately immobilized by their own clothing!

FURIOUS:

Let's get out of here.

Furious turns and goes out, and the others start to follow. But the

Bowler picks up a canned tornado.

OUTSIDE THE BARN - CONTINUOUS

as Furious walks away, the Bowler steps out of the barn.

BOWLER:

Hey, Mister Bad Mood.

Furious stops, turns back.

BOWLER:

(pulls the ring on the can)

Catch.

She tosses the can to him. He catches it--just as a small angry

tornado FUNNELS out of the can. It catches Furious and lifts him high

in the air... then dissipates to nothing...

A beat later Furious lands on the ground with a painful thump.

ON THE OTHERS, amazed.

Furious gets to his feet, unhurt, but really pissed off. He starts

back toward the barn, violently kicking the empty can. The others get

out of his way, as, muttering angrily to himself, he goes back into the

barn...

And emerges a moment later, toting the air cannon.

HELLER:

He's got the air cannon!

The others think he's going to use it on them and scatter for cover.

but Furious steps out into the yard, looking for a suitable target...

He sees an old abandoned outhouse, puts the air cannon to his shoulder,

aims, and fires...

There is a loud WHOOOOMPH of compressed air, and the huge recoil of the

cannon instantly flings Furious back against the wall of the barn. But

the big rush of air hits the shed dead center... and BLOWS IT TO

PIECES, leaving only the old seat.

Furious gets up, dusts himself off, and moves to Doc Heller.

FURIOUS:

Doc, you're a genius!

(hugs him)

HELLER:

I know.

FURIOUS:

(turns to the others)

Okay! We got the firepower! I say we throw it

into the car, drive over to Casanova's house,

and kick some ass!

SPHINX:

No.

The others ignore Furious and listen to the Sphinx.

SPHINX:

We are not yet ready. Now we must learn to

fight together... as one thing.

The others nod in agreemnt... while Furious fumes.

MONTAGE WITH MUSIC - TRAINING AT THE FARM

CLOSE ON DOC HELLER aiming his air cannon... CAMERA PULLS BACK TO

REVEAL our heroes (minus Furious) standing in a pack right behind him,

holding him down. HE fires, and the recoil jolts them all violently,

but it doesn't knock them over...

as half a dozen scarecrows are blown to pieces... Our heroes chieer and

shake their fists... while Mr. Furious sits alone on the sidelines,

drinking bourbon, and feeling very alienated.

VARIOUS SHOTS as our heroes learn to fight as a team... crawling across

the grass together....charginq in a line... hurling canned tornadoes...

while Furious sits it out, brooding, drinking, and getting very jealous

of the Sphinx.

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