Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie Page #7

we can expect Zahgon to commence

and sustain an all-out attack.

Our ionization layer must be maintained

until our relocation is effected.

Relocation?

To where?

Shut your gob,

small-head.

To your Earth.

Oh, I can see th...

hey!

A peaceful relocation.

After the genocide,

of course.

Do you still insist, Exeter,

that we can allow any of these

Earth creatures to have free minds?

I do.

No... Yes...

Whatever you think!

I know them.

I've partied

with them.

- I've lived with them.

- You have wasted our time.

- Thank you! - Take them

to the thought transference chamber.

Yes, you all-high toilet hog.

Please come with me. I'm afraid

you have no choice.

Okay. Bye bye!

Nice hannukah bush, by the way!

Ah, I see their

Patriots don't work either.

Our Zahgon friends seem to be hitting this

prime sector quite regularly.

Uh, yeah?

Is that where it is?

In there?

Uh, golly, those doggone Zahgons are

really licking us, huh?

Well, let's go get your

brains scrambled.

My mind is my own and

nobody's gonna change it.

Go, girl!

- I'm not going into that room!

- Nobody is. Come on!

Leona Helmsley!

I'm sorry.

I'd hoped to have prepared you somewhat

beforehand. This is a mutant.

We have been bringing them

here for ages to do menial work.

Why?

Thhey're similar to insect life

on your own planet.

Larger, of course, with a

higher degree of intelligence.

This one has been given orders to

guard this corridor as long as we're here.

Oh, mommy!

I beg of you, go inside.

Cooperate voluntarily.

I give you my word you will not be harmed

or your minds changed in any way.

- You'd defy the Monitor?

- I already have!

Do you believe him, Cal?

In this place,

I wouldn't believe my grandmother.

Is he wearing slacks?

Oh boy.

The kingdom!

Oh sure. Go on. Run.

Just because you have a skull.

The Jetsons 2:

After the Armageddon.

- The travel car! Come on!

- Where are we going?

The spaceship.

It's safer there.

Don't you understand?

Let it happen now.

Reeeally?

Meacham!

Ruth!

I love you!

Stand back, Exeter.

Meacham, believe me,

I want to help you.

You're holding

a mutant turd!

Time is short.

Get into the car!

Go ahead.

Move that baby seat.

I kind of live

out of my travel cart.

This is what went on in

Salvador Dali's head.

Now, I swear we parked on

level C, just right next to...

Oh, sh*t.

He appears badly hurt.

Stay close to me.

Guten Tag! Sie greten?

Wie wollen eine Auto mieten!

Stand back.

I command you:

stand back!

Acting!

Well, that seemed

to go rather well.

I don't see what could

possibly go wrong...

- Cal!

- No, you do it! Leave me alone!

Uh, I'll get coffee.

Oh, I'm very vulnerable there!

Oh, there goes the piano lessons!

Ah, I can't remember

my dad!

Oh, come on

you big blowed.

When in Chicago, visit

the Museum of Science and Industry.

- Are you badly hurt?

- I'll be all right.

Close off all hatches.

Control room, quick!

Everyone picks on that

one weak spot of my exoskeleton!

You dinks.

You crushed my nads.

Hey! The floors look great.

I'm all right.

And if you don't mind

I've been waiting all day for this.

Oh no, Tinkerbell's goin' down!

Pull up Tink!

That may be

the last of them.

But probably it isn't.

Yes, they're concentrating

all their attention on Metaluna.

Those flashes of light...

they're meteors.

Hundreds of them.

The intense heat is turning Metaluna

into a radioactive sun.

The temperature must be

thousands of degrees by now.

Cooler by the lake.

- A lifeless planet.

- Yes, yes.

And yet

Rents are

reasonable.

...it's still serving

a useful purpose, I hope.

- Yes, a Sun...

- Yes, yes.

warming the surface

of some other world,

giving light to those

who may need it.

Still, your whole family died.

That's a bummer, huh?

Now, into

the converter tubes.

Uh, your liver is beginning

to stick out there.

You might wanna tuck it back in.

- Ruth, you take the first tube.

You, the next. - What about you?

I'll use the third tube.

Oh, right. Sure.

Stupid question. Sorry.

Well. One weird day,

huh?

Captain's log:

A bunch of our ship fell off and...

nobody likes me.

Cal and Exeter

wake and bake everyday. Woo!

Will our Mystery Guest enter

and sign in please?

It's the manager here?

Hello?

I hear you, ma'am.

Walls melting for you, too?

I didn't mean to scare you.

I'm just looking for the can.

Say, where did you

get those cute pants?

Oh, hey.

My grandma's legs.

Exeter, are these tubes

strong enough to keep him out?

Possibly.

- Well, no.

- He's bleeding badly.

In a very few moments,

the pressure should destroy him.

Shall I compare thee to a

summer's d oh...

Okay. Hold it together.

Rise above it. Suck it up.

You gotta cut me Mick!

Cut me!

And I busted a zit

on my shoulder. Great!

Run, Ruth, run!

Brilliant strategy.

Thanks, Napoleon.

Oh, I've ought

to do something.

What are you stuck up?

Too high and mighty for the Mutant, huh?

C'mon!

Give Uncle Scrotor a hug!

Not since Ted Kennedy

in a Barney suit!

- Oh, I stood up too fast!

- Ugh, he squirted.

Thank God I saved you.

Ah, I fell on my keys.

Yes, go away, you bad monster,

you'll get more of the same!

Self-cleaning mutant.

Leaves only the fresh

scent of pine.

Oh, we'll get you another one.

Raspberry World, for all your

raspberry needs. Off the beltway.

Hey, check this out!

Baywatch is on.

- Ah, just like we left it.

With the USA in charge. - Yes!

I think maybe we should

slow down a little?

Our speed is diminishing.

We're now in the

atmosphere of Earth.

Your plane is where you left it:

in the cargo hold.

I think.

A conventional way for you

to return to Earth, I admit,

At least you've got a planet.

but perhaps

the most practical.

May your forehead grow

like the mighty oak.

Where are

you going?

I'm fine.

I'll just kick around here.

Our universe is vast,

full of wonders.

I'll explore.

Yeah, that's it!

Perhaps find another Metaluna,

a place inhabited by beings

not unlike myself.

Maybe get a house,

with some guys... I don't know...

You see, I'm more adventurous

than you imagined me.

- Exeter...

- You dog...

- ...you're a liar.

- ...and I hate you.

You've used all your power

bringing us here.

Even if you had a place to go,

you couldn't make it.

I'll gas up in

Des Moines.

Come with us.

We'll heal your wounds.

No, Ruth, no. Ixnay!

I'm afraid my wounds

can never be healed.

You've things

to teach us.

Recipes to share.

Thank you.

We're over your Earth now.

It's time for you to go. Farewell.

I'm just dropping you at the

North Pole. Is that alright?

Ex... call, okay?

I mean that.

No, no. Go on, you kids.

I'll just be on the way. I'm fine.

You probably don't have

a spare room anyway,

Do you?

Yo, right back at ya!

Go. Go, go, go.

Come on. Go.

Oh, so that's what

a colon looks like!

Captain's log:
I've lost

my toupee and girdle...

and I can't leave my room.

Y'know, I hope they land

right on Kenny Loggins.

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