Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie Page #6

Oh, there's my Etch-A-Sketch!

Trackball, never worked. A jar of tamales.

Another can of hamdingers...

Why all the underpants?

They're... full?

Oh, these.

- I collect them.

- Huh.

Hey, a chainsaw!

Wait a second, Servo.

You do have a interocitor.

I've been using it to

make hot chocolate.

Well, let's see what

this baby can do.

- Would you take those off?

- Hey!

She'll be ridin'

six white horses...

Man, you guys scared the

living daylights out of me!

It's working! Hey, hi!

It's Exeter there?

Nah, him and Brack went down to

Headbutt Days for Shelly.

I gotta meet 'em in the beer tent in

about fifteen minutes,

so I gotta get going, 'kay?

No wait, we're trapped in space!

Can we use this thing to get back to Earth?

I don't know.

Jees. Let's see.

Maybe this does something.

Crap. That's not it.

Hang up.

Okay. Did you use the

intensifier disk?

Yes!

Turned the controls

18 degrees to the left.

Did that.

Are you in Europe.

Do you need an adapter?

No.

Well look, I don't know

anything about this thing.

Maybe this does something.

Oops. It didn't work.

Okay, well, I'll be sure to tell

Exeter to give you a call...

- Bye! - No wait! Hold on!

You have to help us!

Wait, help!

Auntie Em! Auntie Em!

Surprise!

Like, who doesn't have an interocitor,

you collective heads of knuckle!

Now, get back in the theater,

you ninnyhammers!

And remember:
I know who you are,

and I saw what you did. Now, scat!

I'm the God!

I'm the God!

Ah! They're going 75, so

they'll be there in three billion years.

Follow me,

if you will.

Exeter, what are you using for power?

How are you controlling the

fantastic temperature on this ship?

What's to prevent us from floating around

like a bunch of balloons once we leave Earth's gravity?

To answer

the last question first:

Shut up.

we create our own

gravitational field, which means that...

no matter what position

our ship takes in space,

we here inside remain

right side up.

But if we're going to get you

to Metaluna alive,

there's a little procedure

you'll have to go through.

Oh, yeah! My anal probe!

What are you

doing to them?

We're hickory-curing them.

Metaluna's atmospheric pressure is like

that in your greatest oceans.

Just like you.

If we entered Metaluna's orbit without

conversion, we'd be crushed to death.

But in going from Metaluna to Earth,

the tissues of our bodies would dwindle.

We'd disintegrate

completely.

- Correct, Meacham,

- You get a cookie.

If we're fortunate enough

to return to Earth.

So, you're not giving us

a ride back then?

Okay, Bachelor Number Two...

Which one do you

want, honey?

Ladies and gentlemen...

A Flock of Seagulls.

Jees, I hope they wipe down

the tubes when they're done with them.

Uh, yeah. Good meeting, everyone.

Same time tomorrow?

- Brack?

- Yes.

You will prepare the doctors

for the tubes.

I just got out of

the tub, man!

You'll change into clothes such as ours,

especially conditioned for life on Metaluna.

Come with me.

What size of skull-dome

do you wear?

Brack has visible panty line.

Come on, you couple of

single-stomach, microcephalic bilobes.

So, Brack.

Is that polish?

Or... well no,

I guess it wouldn't be.

There's a shuttlecraft

approaching, Captain.

- Do you want me to talk like

George Takei some more Mike? - No.

As you wish, Captain.

As you wish.

Recognize me now,

Ruth?

Place your hands above the rails.

They're magnetized.

And if your hands were metal,

that would mean something.

What?

There's an intercom system in the tubes.

You may converse as long as you're able to.

But it will be billed to your room,

so don't overuse it.

Now, raise your hand

if you want the hot wax

I hope you

both like sulfur!

Good luck!

Let me know what happens!

What do you know!

Mine smells like bacon!

Must feel like

they're inside a bong!

- Ruth?

- I farted.

Yes?

You okay?

And you?

Feel like

a new toothbrush.

So rub me in a

circular motion on your gums

Hey, a big Swedish

underarm crystal

Hey, keep it on the road!

We're in the tubes back here!

Uh, my contents

have shifted!

- Ruth

- I farted again.

Well, this ought to

kill them!

I am Metaluna.

Well, the Tangerine Dream

music is good.

It's Christy Turlington

and Kate Moss!

Oh gross!

I saw Cal's pubic bone!

Now you're playing

Simon!

Should I tell Ruth

she has an extra rib?

- Cal

- I farted.

Enemy-controlled sector. This is

master control awaiting instructions.

Bill, pick up line 4!

Jesus, what did

you do to them?

You'll energize only as necessary.

Conserve power.

Avoid contact with enemy until

safety of ship is endangered.

Make big money at home!

Sharpen saws, and earn extra cash.

You didn't see my skeleton,

did you?

Uh, you might want to wait

a minute before opening Cal's up

Did you have Kenny G

playing in your tube?

Come away from

the nasty man.

You'll feel stronger

in a few moments.

I feel safe with you Brack.

You have a gentle touch.

Now I know you both feel as though

you could sleep for at least a thousand years,

But then you'd miss observing

our approach to Metaluna,

And with your curiosity, you'd

never forgive me for that.

You know, our chair technology

is light years ahead of yours.

Quiet everyone!

All My Children is on.

Hey, Laser Floyd, cool!

Observer,

a closer view.

View in third quadrant.

Contact in two time periods.

This planet should comb

its hair over its bald spot.

View in second quadrant.

Contact in one time period.

You know, that's one butt-ugly

planet you guys come from.

View in first quadrant

at ionization wave.

Ew, it's Michael Stipe's head!

What you're observing may well be

the beginning of the end... for our world.

Well, I hope so!

The Zahgon meteors are beginning

to get through our ionized layer.

That haze, a feeling

of intense radiation.

As you can well imagine,

such a screen requires...

the output of great

amounts of atomic energy.

And you're running out.

That's why you were sent to Earth.

And why you sent for us.

You need uranium.

In gigantic quantities.

Our own deposits are exhausted.

As our power diminishes,

our protection fails.

But, uh, we do have a very

active theater community!

What kind of shithole

planet is this?

That's enough.

Normal view.

Normal view.

Normal view.

Normal view!

Normal view!

Entering ionized layer.

Hey, they're landing in

Tommy Chong's backyard.

Oh, my washer load

is off-balance!

Looks like Dr. Seuss

designed their planet.

They're flying into a

Roger Dean album cover.

They're very into Yes

in this planet.

International flights always get

the gate furthest from the terminal.

Remember, we're parked

in the Denubrian Slime Devil lot.

Hey, Prince's bedroom.

Looks like the stalls

are all taken.

Welcome, Exeter. Observed your flight.

Almost counted you lost.

Your Earth creatures.

Dr. Adams,

Dr. Meacham.

I've given them as much

indoctrination as possible.

Then you know that shortly...

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