Mystery Team Page #4

I'm wearing a top hat.

Gentlemen.

Going to need to see some IDs.

Well, of course.

Yes, uh, all right.

Usual wallet.

Oh, there we go.

Made of diamonds, I think.

Yes, yes.

Velcro will do.

There we go.

Okay.

A library card.

A school ID.

Ya-da-da.

And a folded-up tracing

of a hammerhead shark.

Harrumph.

You got any money?

Uh, me and my colleagues

are positively abreast

with...currency.

Eh?

[sigh]

Go ahead.

Ah, yes.

Yes. Oh, yes.

Oh, I can't wait to bear bait.

I hear the mink

is very good here.

Oh, the mink.

I love mink.

England.

Okay. Remember,

act like gentlemen.

Hello.

Good day, my lady.

My p*ssy is

so wet for you.

P*ssy.

[giggling]

Okay.

Ohh!

Suspect in sight.

There's-- There's

something on your stomach.

It's a C-section scar.

For 20 bucks,

I'll let you come on it.

I'll give you 5 if you

tell me what that means.

Eric?

Oh, sh*t. 5-0, 5-0!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh, man,

what the f*** I do now?

You didn't do anything.

What are you doing here?

My mom works here.

It's better than shaking

your sh*t on the street.

We're tailing

a suspect.

Do you know that guy?

Oh, yeah. Dougie.

He's in here all the time.

Likes to finger the girls.

Hey, you guys

want to get dry f***ed?

No, we're okay.

Yeah, we're good.

Hey, Tammy,

these are my friends.

Show them a good time.

[gasp]

Uh...uh...

perhaps if we pay her,

she'll go away.

They're like pigeons.

Suspect is on the move.

Excuse me, Miss.

I'm sorry.

Ma'am, it's been a pleasure.

You guys okay?

Yep.

Yeah, I'm okay.

Good.

Ow.

Sorry.

My penis.

I think he's in here.

Found him.

[bouncer]

No watching.

Y'all got to go.

Oh. No. See,

this is a stakeout,

so it's fine.

Okay, it's fine.

[gagging]

Charlie, take him out.

I need more time.

[grunting]

Run!

Oh! This stage is wet!

It smells like cold cuts!

[wailing]

[squirt]

Sorry.

Just keep going.

I promise I won't watch.

I'll pay you to watch.

Oh. Sorry.

Thank you.

Thank you.

[urinating]

[clink]

How was it?

You tell me.

Did you f***--

Are you kidding me?

Get your hand

out of my face.

Do you want to give me

crabs in my eyes?

Where's your ring, man?

What?

The f***ing gay-ass ring

you were wearing

all day today.

Where is it?

Did you just drop it?

Did you lose it somewhere?

No.

Let me see it.

No.

Let me see it.

Don't worry about it.

You f***ing lost that ring

inside of that slut's

cooch.

Just say it

so everybody can hear it.

I don't care, all right?

I didn't pay for that sh*t.

Leroy gave it to me.

Talking about that guy

that used to f*** your mom?

Hey, f*** my mom,

all right?

My mom's a slut.

Jason.

Oh, Jason, we know

where the ring is.

It's in

the stripper's vagina.

Not anymore.

What?

When she was peeing...

I heard a clink.

Oh, no.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Well, how are we going

to get it out of there?

This looks like a job

for the boy genius.

What? No, it doesn't

[pounding]

[Jason]

It's the bouncer.

Charlie, Charlie,

the window.

It's too high.

[pounding]

Duncan, you have got

to get this ring, okay?

[pounding]

Hurry!

Ohh!

Everything is in this toilet!

Come on!

Oh! Oh,

there's something sharp

inside of something soft.

Come on! He's coming

through the door!

Got it.

Hurry!

Other hand!

Other hand!

Help me, please!

Just give me the ring.

He's coming!

Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew,

ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!

Hey, guys.

Great. You brought the ring.

[coughing]

Oh, pork chops and applesauce.

You smell like urine.

Dog urine.

I had to sterilize my hand

after the strip club.

With dog pee?

Yeah. Did you know

a dog's mouth

is cleaner

than a human's mouth?

Therefore, through

the transitive property,

a dog's urine is just

as clean as its saliva

and easier to get.

So you covered your whole

hand in dog pee.

No, Jason.

I'm not an idiot, okay?

I drank it.

But it's worth it, right?

Because we got the ring.

We got a ring.

Kelly needs to tell us

if it's the right one.

What? You seemed

certain it was.

I drank dog pee

over this.

That's your choice.

That's not the issue.

For Pete's sake.

Before you close the door,

we are here to show you

that we are mature

and legitimate detectives.

What the hell is that smell?

I drank dog urine.

Yeah.

You got to leave us alone.

I know, and we will,

but before you go...

is this your ring?

Where did you find this?

It's a long story.

No, it's not. A stripper

peed it into a toilet--

Hey.

Shut up.

The Mystery keeps its promises.

It's in our charter.

For wherever

there is trouble,

when a bully

bursts your bubble,

when a cat's

been shaved to stubble--

when--

Thank you.

This means so much.

I feel bad.

It's my pleasure.

The-- The urine's

kind of backing up on me.

Your skin's so soft.

It's like a dolphin's

probably is.

What?

Hmm?

[coughing]

[water running]

Yeah. I'm sorry, guys.

These are done.

You can borrow

some of my shirts.

Did some get in your pants?

No.

Are-- Are we not just

taking off clothes?

You guys want

something to drink?

[together]

Chocolate milk.

So, like,

what you guys' deal?

Chocolate milk

just tastes better

than regular milk.

No, I mean, like,

the whole dressing up

in little kid costumes thing.

What?

The hair,

the way you talk.

Why do you guys

dress like that?

Because

we're detectives.

Yeah. Who do you

dress in dark clothes?

Because I used to be Goth,

and I don't like shopping.

Is Goth like a forensic

pathologist?

No. Forensic pathologists

study the dead.

Goths dress like the dead

and date closeted

gay guys named Ember.

So what are you guys

going to tell the police?

We--

About that.

We were thinking

that we wouldn't

do that,

and we would just

solve it ourselves.

No.

The cops have to

follow the rules.

We only have to follow

our own rules--

find the clues,

solve the case,

no comic books in bed.

We need our rest.

We're growing boys.

Look, you guys

are really sweet,

and I really appreciate it,

but if you really

want to help,

you'll go to the police

and tell them where

you found the ring.

You boys are lucky. My wife

just did the laundry.

Oh, okay.

So we're definitely

not just taking off

clothes, then.

Gotcha.

All right.

We promise to hand this case

over to professionals.

But if something happens

in the meantime--

auxiliary walkie-talkie.

Now,

be careful with this.

It's two

good report cards

and a summer's

allowance, okay?

Okay.

It's for the best,

Jason.

Personally, I'm glad

we're going to the police.

We're not going to the police.

What? But you just

told Kelly we would.

I told Kelly that we

would hand this over

to professionals.

What does it say on our sign?

Missing kitten

purr-fessionals.

Oh, my God,

I just got that.

We're keeping evidence

from the police, okay?

We could go to jail

for that.

You know

what happens in jail?

No TV.

I'm finishing this case.

Now, are we a team or not?

Jason! There's something fishy

down at the sardine factory!

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote