Mystery Team Page #7

Our most consistent

customer has Alzheimer's.

Mrs. Kimmel does not

have Alzheimer's.

She bakes 50 pies a day

for her dead husband.

Most of the pies

are filled with soap.

Okay, well, granted.

If you look through

our case files--

If you look

through our case files,

you'll see that we've

been chasing 6-year-olds

for ten years.

Everyone else has girlfriends.

The only girl

we interact with is Jamie.

Hello, trash can.

How are you today?

Shut up!

Well, excuse me

for thinking the disabled

can be helpful.

Everyone laughs at us.

You want to make it

a career? Well, good luck.

I only kept doing this

because I thought

we were friends,

but friends don't leave you

with crazy, knife-wielding

drug pushers

in the middle of the night.

Hey! Knife fights,

dead bodies, close scrapes.

That's real detective stuff!

You're not a real

detective, Jason!

Everyone's right about you.

You're pathetic.

You take that back!

Don't push me, jerk!

[cough]

[coughing]

Ah, cinnamon sticks.

Ah, Chinese checkers.

F***!

[gasp]

[gasp]

Yeah. That's right.

I've been saying

"f***."

Going in the backyard

and trying it out.

It's pretty great.

You stay away from me.

You know what?

I will.

Come on, Charlie.

Fine.

I don't need you!

I don't need either of you!

I can do this by myself!

[pop]

Ohh!

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry, man.

Oh.

I bought

some firecrackers.

Summertime tradition.

Hey, remember when I used

to have to steal them?

That was half the fun.

Now I'm so old,

I can just buy them

outright.

Well, it's still fun,

though.

Here. Have one.

Old times' sake.

What happened to you?

I got hit in the face.

Oh, man. You always

have to be very careful

around your face.

Ohh, so close.

So close to my face.

Oh, this one's a dud.

Born dead.

Jordy, can I ask you

a question?

Yeah. Spill it, skillet.

Do you think I could

be a real detective?

Aw, Little Me.

Hey, guys like us,

we're a different breed.

All right?

We live our lives,

you know?

We figured out

what we wanted to do

early on in life,

and we kept doing it

in the exact same way,

no matter what.

Yeah.

Yeah, Little Me, yeah.

You know, it's like

think about it.

You love your detecting,

and I love working

here, you know?

When I was 15 years old,

when I got this job,

I said to myself,

"I am going to work here

until the day

that I kill myself."

And, uh, hello,

I'm still here,

so I must be happy,

right?

It's our world,

you know?

When-- When my friends

went off to school

and when my parents just

moved away out of nowhere,

like, I stayed here

and fulfilled my dream

that I had

when I was 15 years old.

And I don't know

if you've looked around,

but, uh, everything's

pretty great around here,

you know?

Hey! Are you squeezing

that bread?

We got a deal.

We got a deal,

you f***ing animal!

Oh, dude,

did you f*** this bread?

You f***ed the sh*t

out of this bread.

You don't f*** bread, God--

Every f***ing thing.

Uhh.

Mmm!

Even that guy.

If you think about it,

in his own way,

he's living the dream, too.

You, me,

the bread squeezer.

We did it.

[firecracker pops]

Oh, thumb sucker.

Hey, Little Me,

I'm paying you in advance.

Aah! Oh! No! I'm not you!

I'm not you!

[Kelly]

Brianna, let's go.

Jason?

Kelly. Oh, there have been

so many developments.

Downtown.

There have been so many

developments downtown.

I think they're

building a drugstore.

We should go when it opens.

What happened to your face?

And your bike? Why--

What's behind your ear?

My best friend

hit me with a base,

I ran over a firecracker,

and Mrs. Kimmel,

uh, threw a pie at me

because she thinks

I'm her husband.

You know,

Robert's a cyclist.

He could probably

help you fix your bike

when he gets back,

if he has time.

Oh. Thanks.

Wow. You look nice.

Where are you going,

some kind of hot date?

We're going to the wake.

Oh.

But thank you.

Well, I guess, um,

between

having your parents die

and having a gun

pointed in your face,

this has been

a pretty bad week, huh?

Yeah.

Honestly,

I've just been, like,

drifting by

this whole week.

Nothing even rates anymore.

They hit you with a base?

Yeah. Second base.

What happened?

Those traitors

couldn't handle

real adult mysteries,

okay?

They've always been one ring

short of a full circus.

I don't--

I don't need them.

It doesn't seem like you have

a whole lot of other friends.

Friends only hold you back,

okay?

Duncan and his lame

"Penguins are

from the South Pole,

not the North."

Sucks to you, boy genius.

And Charlie?

Charlie puts the dumb

in dumbbell, okay?

He couldn't knock over

the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

Well, that's a building.

He shouldn't be able to--

I was

always the talented one.

I mean, I can do over

a hundred different accents.

Observe. Ahem.

[Middle Eastern accent]

Hello.

[chanting]

Stop.

Okay.

It doesn't sound

like you're

being very fair to them.

Well, news flash.

Life isn't fair.

If life was fair,

I'd have gotten a new

bike for my birthday

instead of that stupid car.

Life isn't fair.

Get used to it.

Hey, I don't need to be told

Life isn't fair, okay?

I'm going to a wake

for both of my parents.

Sorry.

I don't have a lot

of friends, either.

We moved, like,

every nine months

since I was a kid.

Duncan and Charlie,

they seem like

really good friends,

that's all.

Well, if you like them

so much,

why don't you marry them?

You know what?

Maybe you should try

to figure yourself out

before you try to

figure out a mystery.

Hey.

How's the mystery going?

Um, yeah. Actually,

we're going to hand it over

to the police, Brianna.

They're going to take it

from where we left off.

Oh.

Okay.

Brianna.

[whispering]

Not true.

We still got it, okay?

All right.

Okay. Have fun at the wa--

I-- I love you?

Bye.

I'll be 10 minutes behind you.

Jason.

What can I do you for?

We're just two...men

talking here, right?

We're drinking

chocolate milk, aren't we?

Yeah, well--

when it comes to Kelly--

see, my other friends,

they were too immature

to get this,

but, um...

I want to French kiss her.

That's pretty mature.

[clatter]

Oh, boy.

Everyone

take a chill pill.

Man, you take

a f***ing chill pill.

Can I use

your cell phone charger?

Mine's out of batteries.

Sure. It's over there

on the counter.

Great.

[phone rings]

I-- I'll get it.

Oh. Uh, thanks.

Who was it?

Aah!

Uh, one of your

corporate buddies.

Yeah.

Yeah, there's a party

celebrating

the lumber yard deal.

It's kind of my baby,

but I feel

it's more important

to go to the wake,

you know?

Yeah. More important.

I got to go.

But your tire.

We didn't fix--

That's fine.

I like the bumps.

[Jason]

Officer Mills!

There are two dead bodies

over at the lumber yard!

I swear!

I'll go check over there

around 10, okay?

No. By 10,

it'll be too late.

You got to go now.

My friend lives

with the murderer.

If it was anybody else,

maybe.

If I'm going to trust you,

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