Naked Page #4

---

and you're doing this right here?

(hums)

- Man, I think that is incredible.

- (chuckles) Right.

You know, it really seems like me

and you are bonding.

I just wanna know if, um...

you could loan me your pants?

- I don't think that's such a good idea.

- No?

That's how you gonna do me?

Oh, I see, "Make fun of the naked guy."

You know what?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

(mutters)

(laughs) Hey, you are a strange dude,

but you just helped me write a hit.

So I'd like to help you out.

You should be ashamed of yourself

Yes, yeah, yeah

You should be ashamed of yourself

Did I write that?

You should be ashamed of yourself

(gasps)

Damn, he's good.

What the...

(phone ringing)

Vicky?

Yeah, so Benny said you called

nearly an hour ago.

Where are you?

- I just got to the hotel.

- Hotel? Rob, what is going on?

I don't know. Hey, Rob Anderson.

I need to get in my room. Thank you.

Oh, my God. You're going back

to your room. That is a bold move.

Vicky, I don't have time

for this right now, okay?

I'm having some serious issues!

What could be more serious

than missing your wedding?

The fact that we did this already?

That is called a "rehearsal."

You are unbelievable.

But I'm not surprised. I think

we all knew how this was gonna end.

I'm gonna need to see your ID, sir.

- It's in my room.

- Right.

You know this is why it didn't work out

between us, right?

Because you're not a man

and you never will be.

Wait, what are you even talking about?

I got kidnapped last night!

- "I got kidnapped last night." Wow.

- (church bells ringing)

Somebody's trying to sabotage my wedding,

and I'm gonna find out who it is.

That could be anybody, Rob. (laughs)

What's that loud ringing?

Ding, dong! Ding, dong! Ding, dong!

Those are church bells, you idiot.

Now, look, you're running out of time.

- You need to get here now.

- Oh, I'll be there.

See, told you it was me.

- Enjoy your stay, sir.

- Thank you.

(screams)

- (grunts)

- Bye-bye, love

- (pounding)

- Oh, no.

No! No! No!

- (elevator bell dings)

- (applause)

(man) Finally.

- Ah!

- (crowd screams)

(man screams)

Hey!

No!

Hey!

Watch it, crazy.

Bro, that was...

- A microbrew.

- Yeah.

- No.

- Right on, man.

Bro!

Oh, my God.

Oh... What the hell? God!

Excuse me.

- Hey!

- I gotta go.

- (clears throat)

- (beeps)

Hello?

Mom, I need your help.

Rob, where are you?

Do you know what time it is?

Mom, I'm freaking out. I'm butt-ass naked.

I'm 20 blocks from the hotel,

and I keep repeating the same hour

over and over again.

What?

You naked... in public?

Yes! This is the worst day of my life,

and I can't get it to end.

Calm down, baby.

Now, you ain't got no clothes on?

I'm wearing a shopping bag.

Can you find some other trash

that you can make a shirt out of?

No, Mom,

all my stuff is back at the hotel.

- Well, go on back to the hotel then!

- I told you, I don't have time.

I have one hour,

and every time the church bells ring,

I get sent back to the...

Mom, put the pastor on.

All right, good talk.

Father Butterfield!

Psst. Phone!

- This is Father Butterfield.

- Yes, this is Rob, the groom.

Listen, I was wondering

if it's at all possible,

can you, like, not ring the church bells

for like a hour, an hour and a half?

Because I think the church bells

are sending me back in time.

Son, in our 208-year history,

we've never once missed the bells

or a wedding.

(scoffs) You mean to tell me

you never missed one wedding?

Like, not even for the plague?

Mnh-mnh.

- How can you account for that?

- Faith.

Or you are sending me back in time.

Well, not you, but, like... God.

- (church bells ringing)

- He's giving me a second chance.

We're booked till August.

If you're thinking about rescheduling...

Well, apparently I don't have to.

This wedding is happening!

So does that mean you're coming?

Maybe not to this one, but I'm coming.

Remember me?

(grunts)

- (pounding)

- Bye-bye, love

Bye-bye, happiness

- Okay.

- Hello, loneliness

- (exhales)

- (elevator bell dings)

(all) Oh!

(men grunting)

Hey, I just wanna say I'm sorry

about earlier. No hard feelings?

You don't even know, huh?

(camera shutter clicks)

All right, people, move out of my way.

Brother gotta go.

Hey, nerds, you guys got a skateboard,

some Heelys or something?

Hey, soccer mom. Ma'am, please.

No? Thank you.

Hey, sister, you got a bus pass, anything?

God damn.

Hi. Hi, ma'am, can you please help me?

What the hell?

Where's the keys? Oh, keys?

Keys? Where do you put keys on a bike?

You want to buy it a drink?

Hey... um...

Drill?

I was just... checking out your bike.

I thought about getting a bike myself,

but you know,

my girl said it's too dangerous.

You know how old ladies are, right?

- Who he talking about?

- You calling my lady old, man?

No, not that you old.

You got a young face.

This dude knows what I mean. My man. Bra.

Oh, oh, oh!

- Oh, boy.

- Did he just knock down my bike?

- He knocked down the bike.

- No! It jumped. I didn't...

- No, I didn't do it.

- You didn't do it? You got some money?

Just this.

Eat it.

That's kind of unsanitary.

- I ain't eating...

- Eat it!

I think I got a half a dollar stuck

in my larynx.

(choking)

(coughs and swallows)

Thank you.

You look like you got lost

on your way to the shower.

Um...

- I was just on my way to my wedding.

- (woman) He ain't gonna make it.

He ain't gonna make it, huh?

Well, you need a ride?

Are you serious? You would...

- You would do that for me?

- Yeah, of course.

You guys!

Yeah, I would love a ride. Thank you.

- Call an ambulance.

- An ambulance?

(screams)

Okay, guys, please. Please! Please!

I got my ass kicked twice already. Twice.

It's his wedding day!

I think he need a shave!

I just want this to be over.

I spent the last six months talking

about locations.

By the way,

you have a very beautiful city.

- (screams)

- Hold him down like that, man!

She even made me take dance lessons!

Hey, let him up. I wanna see this.

Let him up!

Show me.

Sh... Sh... Show you what?

Our dance routine?

Well, I didn't really learn it.

I didn't think

it was terribly important at the time.

- (woman) Oh, no.

- What?

(Rob) Yeah.

- That's the centerpiece of the reception.

- All right. All right.

Come on, back up. Give him room now.

Give him room. Let him breathe.

Can I use your man right there?

I come up and... You first come up and...

Everybody dance now

- Slap it hard.

- (all) Oh!

Come here and you grab like this.

You my b*tch. Okay, I lead, you follow.

And then, I come around like this here,

and I dip you.

But your big ass is too big to dip.

Bring you back up, and then I start

slow grinding 'cause it's our way.

- Come on, man!

- Come on! Just a slow grind!

And that leads you into the Running Man

like... Oh, oh, oh, oh!

And slide and pose.

And then I pull myself back up,

and then start pop-locking.

Bam! Bam! (exclaims)

Listen to my crowd when I pop like...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes