Nanny McPhee Returns Page #2

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ln fact, it's the

British Museum of Poo.

Have you gone

completely insane,

Blenkinsop?

Mummy would never send me

to a place like this.

Take me home.

(WlNDOW SQUEAKlNG)

(SCREAMlNG)

You see? There are savages.

l refuse to leave the car.

Oh, put a sock in it, Ceels.

We've got no choice.

Take me home,

right now!

And you know why

we've got no choice, too,

so let's just stop pretending

we're here because of bombs.

CELlA:
They're probably

cannibals.

(EXCLAlMS lN DlSGUST)

Did you see that

thing at the window?

Greetings,

O covered-in-poo people.

Do you speak English?

You're early.

Yes, poo-man,

we have come from far away.

Far, from the land of

soap and indoor toilets.

ls that a Fry's chocolate bar

with cinder-crunch topping?

Yes, it is.

Would you like some?

Pity,

there's none left.

BLENKlNSOP:
Come on,

Miss Celia.

CELlA:
Please, Blenkinsop!

That's rotten.

CYRlL:
That's life.

CELlA:
l'll tell Mummy!

Now, don't be like that,

Miss Celia.

Let go!

Let go of the drinks

cabinet, Miss Celia!

No!

Look here, mister.

l think you'd better

take these two great

perfumed townies

back where they belong.

l just want to go home!

(EXCLAlMlNG)

CELlA:
This place is awful.

lt's an awful place.

(GlGGLlNG)

(EXCLAlMlNG lN HORROR)

My shoes!

l refuse to stay

in this cesspit.

l'd rather be bombed.

Promise me you'll tell Mummy

how awful it is here.

Please, Blenkinsop,

she's got to come

get me tomorrow.

Promise me!

You've only been

here for five minutes,

and look at you.

And you're just

a chauffeur.

Master Cyril,

if you'd be so kind,

just hold your arms out

for Miss Celia's new clothes.

Promise me!

l'll talk to your mother,

Miss Celia, l promise.

But for now,

you'll have to stay here.

They can't stay here.

They're rude.

CYRlL:
That's rich,

coming from someone who

clearly doesn't even know

how to wipe his own bottom.

NORMAN:
Come here, you.

What?

CELlA:
Stop! My clothes.

My beautiful new clothes.

(GASPlNG)

They're all in the mud.

How dare you!

You're trampling them.

l should have enlisted.

CELlA:
You wait until

l tell my mother.

(GASPS)

My beautiful clothes.

They're ruined.

(SCREAMlNG)

You monsters,

l'll kill you for this!

Well, that's me off,

Mrs. Docherty.

l've just enough time

to get home and

finish tidying

before the cousins

arrive tomorrow.

Oh, that's nice, dear.

All my cousins are dead.

Good night.

Good night.

Give my love

to Mr. Docherty.

l will.

There's that finished, then.

What?

l've just put away

the syrup.

What? Where?

lt's all done and dusted.

There's absolutely

nothing to worry about.

Oh, have a little faith,

why don't you?

(HUMMlNG)

(DRAWER RUMBLlNG)

(SYRUP BUBBLlNG)

Oh.

''Have a little faith,''

she says.

''Nothing to worry about,''

she says. Oh, no, no,

nothing at all.

Children at each

other's throats,

tractor about to

be repossessed,

Phil trying to

sell the farm out

from under us,

guests coming in 24 hours,

my only good coat, ruined,

and 1 7 drawers

full of syrup!

WOMAN 1 :
The person you need

is Nanny McPhee.

(CAWlNG)

Oh.

MAN 1 :
The person you need

is Nanny McPhee.

Nanny McWho?

MAN 2:
(SlNGlNG)

Nanny McPhee

MAN 3:
Nanny McPhee

MAN 4:
Nanny McPhee

(GASPS)

CHlLD:
The person you need

is Nanny McPhee.

MAN 1 :
The person you need...

WOMAN 2:
ls Nanny McPhee.

WOMAN 3:

The person you need...

MAN 2:
ls Nanny McPhee.

ALL:
(CHANTlNG)

The person you need

is Nanny McPhee.

The person you need

is Nanny McPhee.

The person you need

is Nanny McPhee.

The person you need

is Nanny McPhee.

The person you need

is Nanny McPhee.

The person you need

is Nanny McPhee.

The person you need

is Nanny McPhee.

The person you need

is Nanny McPhee.

The person you need,

the person you need...

(ECHOlNG) The person you need,

the person you need,

the person you need...

CHlLD:
ls Nanny McPhee.

Ugh. What a surprise.

Not only do they

behave like animals,

they live like animals.

l'm covered in poo.

CYRlL:
Good news.

You'll fit right in.

There's bugger-all

to eat in here,

except this.

NORMAN:
No!

Dad's jam!

Put the jam down.

(SCOFFS)

lt's only jam.

ln case you hadn't noticed,

there's a war on.

We saved our sugar

coupons for months

to make that jam.

You touch it,

and l'll mash you.

Whoops.

Touched it.

l'm going to wake up

and this will all

be a nasty dream.

l'm going to wake up,

and l'll be in

Harrods with Mummy.

The shoe department.

My maid tells me

they have arrived,

so Mummy and l have

come to collect them.

Would you go and

fetch them for me?

l'm going to wake up,

and there'll be

some pink patent pumps.

Ceels, catch.

CELlA:
Mummy's

already ordered

a beautiful pair in mauve

with a matching cloak,

and l gather they

will be here today.

That's it.

They die.

(EXCLAlMlNG)

NORMAN:
Catch them!

(SCREAMlNG)

Come back!

WOMAN:
(WHlSPERlNG)

The person you need

is Nanny McPhee.

MAN:
(WHlSPERlNG)

The person you need

is Nanny McPhee.

WOMAN:
(WHlSPERlNG)

The person you need

is Nanny McPhee.

Nanny McPhee.

Nanny McPhee.

(CREAKlNG)

(CAWlNG)

(CREAKlNG)

(SCREAMlNG) No!

Come here, you coward.

What? What? Norman. Cyril.

(CHOKlNG) Hello,

Aunt lsabel.

Hello, dear.

NORMAN:
Come back here,

you big.. .

lSABEL:
How's your mother?

Death, death and hurting!

You lace-covered.. .

CYRlL:
Don't you call

me names, you peasant.

Celia, is that you?

You've ruined my clothes,

so l'm going to

ruin your hair!

What a lovely frock.

(BANGlNG ON DOOR)

Oh! What now?

l'm coming. l'm coming.

(THUNDER CLAPPlNG)

lsabel.

Not now, Phil.

l was wondering,

when you say, ''No,''

do you really mean no?

Now is not a good time.

l could come

back in 10 minutes.

Five, three, two?

l think l should

boil you all an egg.

(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)

For goodness' sake,

Phil, go away!

l.. . Go.. .

(THUNDER CLAPPlNG)

Good evening,

Mrs. Green.

l am Nanny McPhee.

Oh, you're it?

l mean, her? l mean.. .

Who are you?

l am Nanny McPhee.

Small ''C,'' big ''P.' '

Right, right.

Thing is, l haven't

hired a nanny.

l don't need a nanny.

l'm managing perfectly well.

l have never had a nanny

because l don't want a nanny.

l am an Army nanny,

Mrs. Green.

l have been deployed.

No, no, no, no.

There must be

some mistake.

Everything's under

control here.

Get away from me,

you oik from hell.

That's Cyril.

He's not one of mine.

He's their cousin.

Come back here,

you parasitic poshie!

And that's Norman.

Get your filthy

hands off me.

He is mine.

They've just met.

Horrible, horrible.

They're getting

to know each other

through play.

VlNCENT:
Kill the townies

and eat their heads!

Oh, it's the war.

lt's not a very

good influence.

lndeed.

May l come in?

Must you? l mean, yes.

Yes, of course, you must.

Tea?

Perhaps later.

Let me introduce myself

to the children.

No, wait.

Why don't you

put the kettle on?

l shan't be a moment.

(CHlLDREN SHOUTlNG)

MEGSlE:
You can't stop me.

CELlA:
Let go! (SHOUTS)

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