National Theatre Live: The Comedy of Errors Page #4

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I always thought it would be

kind of fun to drive around,

you know, meeting weird people and...

I don't know.

- I'm a good driver.

- You don't look like a cab driver, sir.

Yeah, well, let's... We should change

the way people think of cab drivers.

I'll tell you what, man.

I would pay you... I would pay

you if you let me drive my...

If you let me drive myself home.

You don't trust me?

I got a driver's license.

I'm not a f***ing dope.

Wh... how much, sir?

How much... what's your name?

Raj?

How much would you char...

How much... If you could

let me drive for like,

you know, 20 minutes?

How much?

I'm serious.

Raj!

$100 for 20 minutes.

$200.

Sir, you are very distracting!

I'm trying to talk to you. I'm

not going to give you my cab.

All right, listen, I'm trying

to make you... A business.

I'm trying to make a business

deal with you. I will give

you $200 right now in cash if

you let me drive your cab.

I'm serious.

I have it.

I have cash.

Raj, seriously.

Four... I don't know.

$400.

I'll give you...

I'll give you $400 right now if you

let me drive your cab for 20 minutes.

Sir, this is not... This is not

a playground... I'm serious!

This is how I make a living.

This is my life!

I respect that.

I cannot let you... Raj, I re...

hey, raj.

This is just two gents having

a ride, talking about money,

talking about business

opportunities.

Do... do you want to make $400 right

now and let me drive your cab?

I'm being serious.

I'm being honest.

That's right.

Here, here.

You are not gonna regret it.

Thank you, man.

Appreciate it.

It's gonna be fine.

No, I need... can you... You

need to sit in the back.

Is it cool if you do the back?

It's like the whole experience.

You know what I mean?

No, no.

Come on, 20 minutes.

You know, for 400 bucks.

I just want to do

the whole thing.

I want to do the whole experience.

You know what I mean?

Come on, man, for 400 bucks?

Trust me, I'm a friend.

Thank you.

Thank... thank you very much, sir.

I respect you.

Careful, okay?

Careful.

Yeah, yeah.

This feels pretty good.

Smooth.

F***ing smooth, raj.

Well worth the money, my friend.

Well worth it.

Yee.

Please, please!

What are you doing?

Whoa!

Sh*t.

Please pull over!

Please.

This has f***ing

horsepower, baby.

What do you say for a couple

more minutes, all right?

Just a few more

minutes, all right?

Thank... thank you, raj.

This is, like... This

is making my day.

Hey, no, no!

Hey, hey.

Okay, no more.

Enough!

Hey!

Please, stop the car!

You need to stop the car now!

I need you to stop the car now!

Pull over now!

Hey!

I need to get out...

Shut the f*** up!

Shut the f*** up, all right?

I am calling the police!

- Is that p*ssy for sale?

- You think I'm a f***ing prostitute?

You need to stop the car!

Is this your block?

Stop it!

F*** you!

You got to... f***.

F*** you, you f***ing pimp!

F*** you, f*** you!

Get away from me!

Yo.

Hey.

What's up?

Are you gonna get out?

Hmm?

So I've made everything

really easy.

This is completely filled out.

I just need your signature and a

time to go to a notary together.

All right.

Well, let me go out to my boat.

I can take a look at it.

We can talk about it.

Get a drink.

It's just gonna be a lot

easier if every single time

an easy thing needs to happen with

your family... All right, well,

I'm just telling you

I can't do it here.

It's maritime law;

I cannot discuss official business

on the slip or on the dinghy.

It's got to be on the boat.

So we going on the boat?

Come on.

Do you have those clean glasses?

I'm sorry, are you deaf?

Oh, God, your f***ing breath.

It smells like this dirty... oh.

I can't tell if it's the

trash here or your breath.

There was something I

was meaning to ask you.

Have you tried using the dish

soap to clean out your a**hole?

Yeah, I use it all the time.

Because you stink.

Actually, this is

where I shower.

I showe... I put my head in here.

You can fit it in there?

Rodrigo was asking me about

making some bread, and

I guess they're out of yeast.

So they're wondering if they

could use some of the yeast

Because I noticed how

infected it gets.

Yeah, he spoke to me about

that, and I directed

him to ask you about

your dick cheese.

Okay.

See if that would maybe help.

Oh, wow.

So good.

So funny.

You're so funny.

You are!

You are.

I didn't realize you were so funny.

I didn't realize you were.

You know I'm a convicted

rapist, right?

They told you that?

Oh, really?

I thought they were supposed

to let all the employees

know about that.

Yeah, I rape anything I can

get my hands on, all right?

Mm-hmm.

Are these for you?

Thank you.

Okay, great!

Bye.

Good luck!

Bye.

F***!

Oh, sh*t!

Yo.

God damn it!

Motherf***er!

F***in' c*nt!

B*tch!

F***!

F***!

F*** me!

F***!

Ow!

Yeah, you're gonna have

to keep this wound clean.

Every day you have to clean

it, change the bandage.

And in seven days, you're gonna

have the sutures removed.

Is that all right?

How does it feel?

It hurts, okay.

Hold that, please.

Hello?

Hello?

How does that feel?

Where do you like your part?

Feels good right?

How's he doing?

Just have to change this.

Oh, you're fine.

Nope, you're fine.

Order in.

No gag reflex.

This is the exact size

and shape of my penis.

The rumors are true.

Oh, sh*t.

You don't need to... You

don't need to pull a lot.

God damn it!

Jesus Christ.

No, it's not... I got to do lower.

God damn it!

What was that supposed to be?

Nick nolte.

"God damn it.

Jesus Christ.

That's some good...

That's some good pot.

There's no goddamn way we're

gonna get up that hill.

There's no goddamn way we're

gettin' off this boat!"

You want this?

I'm good.

Any suggestions as to

where I should put it?

Put it with my other vices.

Your drug paraphernalia.

It's f***ing hot.

Un... untangle that

sweater off yourself.

What?

You should take

your sweater off.

There's very liberal

policies here for clothing.

You know, you could pretty

much wear whatever you want.

Make yourself at home, you know?

Make you... make yourself at boat.

Boat home?

Need some help?

I'm gonna do a little

tease for you here.

This is sort of how I seal

the deal with the girls.

Oh, that's... I do one

of these numbers.

One button, buttoned in.

Keep this tight.

And then, just let it loose.

That's the moment of a lifetime.

I know.

It's such... you don't want to

just reveal it all right away.

This shirt does not breathe.

Better?

Oh, my God.

What a relief.

What a big difference

that makes, huh?

What happens when you...

What happens to this button

That's... that's a good one.

This is an actual

functional button.

That's an important button.

Wow.

I do like that button.

I prefer it open.

Oh, I see, this is... This

zipper actually works.

This is a fully

functioning zipper, too.

Oh, yeah, that's... What happens...

What's down here?

All right.

Yup.

Hold on.

All right.

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