Nativity Page #6

works. No, this is like you're a reporter.

No, no, l'm off duty. l'm off duty.

- l hear there's no such thing.

- Oh, please.

Gordon was just saying how you had

a few problems in the beginning

and then he said to her,

"You go, girl, you go to LA."

- Really?

- l just wondered your take on it all.

l'm sensing a lot of anger.

Are you? Why would that be, l wonder?

Could it be because you are the man

who, five years ago, roundly trashed

my one honest attempt

at putting on a nativity?

Are you sure it was me?

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!"

was the headline.

- And now, when there's a chance...

- Oh, come on, it was appalling.

- So you do remember it?

- l did that review to make you tough.

Look at you now,

you're mixing with Hollywood.

You're no one if you haven't had

a bad review off Patrick Burns.

That's why they call them

Burns victims.

- (Applause)

- Ladies and gentlemen!

Can l thank you for your attendance

and your support

because l would like to congratulate

Mr Maddens and St Bernadette's School

for the incredible opportunity that

they are affording our wonderful city.

Mr Maddens.

Now, in honour of this occasion,

and much against the council's wishes,

the mayor's parlour

has overruled the council

and we would like to offer the cathedral

ruins as a venue for your show.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Mr Maddens. This is brilliant.

This is gonna blow your mind.

Prepare to be amazed.

We're doing it at the cathedral.

What?

We're doing the show

in the ruins of the cathedral.

- Yes! The cathedral's got a spire.

- lt's got a spire.

You don't seem to understand

that the bigger this gets,

it's now constituting fraud.

He's getting corporate sponsors to give

money and give their services for free.

We need money. We need lights.

We need a little smoke machine.

We need someone to help us

do the hanging, because l can't.

- l think l need someone...

- Mr Poppy, stop it, please. Seriously.

- What are you doing?

- l think l'm having a heart attack.

- Mr Maddens?

- Don't touch me.

- Mr Maddens, you're upset, aren't you?

- Oh!

l can give you a cuddle?

Cuddles make it all go away.

l promise. Feel this.

You're hurting me.

We can do this, Mr Maddens, can't we?

Yes, we can.

- No, we can't.

- We can. We can.

Look, l'll leave you here, all right?

You can listen to the music.

- (Music playing)

- Relax, l'll take care of the children.

Believe, Mr Maddens. Believe.

(l've had a little makeover

And l'm all dressed up tonight...

Out to here. The audience is here.

(A cheeky drink, a naughty wink...

- Yes.

- (Stand back and put your shades on

(Cos l'm about to shine...

This is an old cathedral.

Fill the cathedral. That's good.

- (There's no starlight like mine...

- Yes.

- (Ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh...

- Very good. Wonderful.

Now, see,

can you cut the music, please?

That has got to come in after the...

(Ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh!

(Bosh! Sparkle and shine...

lt has to have that ferocity to it.

lt's a cathedral we're trying to fill,

not just this hall.

At the moment you're not even

hitting me when l'm here. Again, please.

(l've had a little makeover

And l'm all dressed up tonight

(A cheeky drink, a naughty wink

(We'll loosen up all right

(Stand back and put your shades on

Cos l'm about to shine

(My blinding light will thrill you

(Cos there's no starlight like mine

(Sparkle and shine

(Planets gather round

(Sparkle and shine

(Let's all make a dazzling sound

(Here's something you won't believe

(lt's the first time ever Christmas Eve...

Eve

Very good, very good, well done.

- (Bell rings)

- All right, due back here in an hour. Go.

Mr Poppy! Mr...

Right, carefully, please. Carefully, Lucy.

Hello, Sadie.

That was great. Well done.

Um...l don't really want to do it.

- You don't want to do what?

- The singing and dancing.

Come here, sit down, sit down.

(Clears throat)

Sadie, that was absolutely brilliant.

Everyone's gonna laugh at me.

No, everyone's gonna laugh with you.

Anyone who tells you that anyone's

gonna laugh at you must be a fool,

because you were great up there,

and you shone like the brightest star.

You were really good.

Please don't drop out now.

(Sighs)

Truth be known, l need you.

l need all of you in it, OK?

lf you don't do it for yourself,

just please look at me.

l'm a man literally on the edge

of something, l don't know what.

But if you go now,

it will really, genuinely,

hurt me.

You were great up there.

- Do l have to wear a stupid costume?

- Yes.

lt's the nativity, you can't look cool.

Go on, go and have your lunch.

(Sighs)

Oh, you're joking.

(Saffron) 'Dear Father Christmas, l'm

so scared of not doing the play properly,

'so please could you make

my Christmas wish come true

'and make Hollywood

love us in the play?

'PS. Make me be Mary.

Love, Saffron.'

(Oli) 'Dear Santa, please send me

loads of stuff and surprises.

'l want to be happy

and see more of my mum

'because she never spends

any time with me.

'And please let me be Joseph. She's

never seen me do a school play before.

'Thank you very much. From Oli.'

(Charlotte) 'Dear Santa, please

let my Christmas wish come true.

'l'd really love for everyone in the world

to be happy, even Mr Maddens.

'Please help him get his girlfriend back

when she comes to see us.

'Thank you very much.

From Charlotte.'

(Lucy) 'Dear Father Christmas,

please make my teacher happy

'because he seems really sad,

he doesn't even like Christmas.

'So, please help him find his smile.

'Love from Lucy.'

Right, who wants to go

on a death slide?

- Me!

- Yes!

- What's going on?

- l'm going.

- What do you mean?

- l'm going to Hollywood.

- Are you being serious?

- Yes, l am.

Aah! l want to kiss you!

And me too?

No, no, you've got to be here,

look after the play. You're my wingman.

Yes, Mr Maddens.

Send me a postcard, man.

- l will do.

- OK. Duh-duh-duh!

(Hollywood's a-coming!

Hollywood's a-coming! (

(PA) 'Flight 715 is now ready

for boarding...'

- Mr Maddens!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Room for two little ones?

- Sorry?

- William and Saffron are coming.

- They can't.

l've got the consent forms from the

parents. Passports. l've got the tickets.

Miss Rye and l thought it'd be

a really good idea if they come with you,

because they can do the singing,

dance and do the opening numbers.

The gate's closing.

What are your allergies?

Ponies, horses, donkeys and cats.

- You'd better take these back.

- lt's a good idea. lt's a good idea.

- Desmond.

- They can help you.

l'm not taking two children

on an eleven-hour flight.

((THE RONETTES:
"Sleigh Ride")

(Just hear those sleigh bells jingling

Ring-ting-tingling too

(Ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ding-dong

(Come on, it's lovely weather

For a sleigh ride together with you

(Outside the snow is falling

And friends are calling, "Yoo-hoo!"

(Ting-a-ling-a-ling-a-ding-dong (

- Mr Maddens, look what we've found!

- What is it?

So, we're in the right area. We're closer

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