Never Been Kissed Page #3

ANITA:

Look. You're way under 30, you're

cute, some guys find white Carter's

underwear sexy—

(beat)

If you talk to his nose, you don't

even notice the eye.

Josie laughs in spite of herself.

JOSIE:

The right guy is out there. I'm

just not going to kiss a whole

bunch of losers to get to him.

ANITA:

Yeah, but sometimes kissing the

losers can be a fun diversion.

JOSIE:

When I finally get kissed, I'll

know.

Anita and Cynthia trade looks.

ANITA:

Okay. If you've never kissed a

guy, we got bigger problems than

the underwear.

JOSIE:

I've kissed guys. I've just never

kissed a guy. Felt that thing--

CYNTHIA:

"That thing"? Is that what you

kids are calling it these days?

JOSIE:

That thing. That moment. You kiss

someone and it's like the world

around you gets all hazy and the

only thing in focus is you and

this other person and you know

that one person is the person you're

meant to be kissing for the rest

of your life. And for that one

moment you've been given this

amazing gift and you want to laugh

and cry at the same time because

you're so lucky you found it, and

so scared that it will all go away.

Anita and Cynthia take this in.

CYNTHIA:

Damn, girl. You are a writer.

INT. TIKI POST -- DAY

Basically a Mailbox Etc. store, but dressed in a Tahitian

theme. Cardboard hula dancers hold Fedex envelopes.

ROB GELLER, 23, good-looking, wears a smock with "Tiki

Post" emblazoned across it over a Hawaiian shirt. He stands

watch at the cash register.

MONTY MAYLIK, 50, proud owner, rearranges a display. The

place is empty.

ROB:

Hey Monty--you think we'll get any

business today?

MONTY:

(of course)

I'm handing out a free lei to every

customer! What do you think?

ROB:

I think maybe people are scared

off by the tiki torches.

MONTY:

Change is scary. Robbie, let me

tell you a little something about

the mail business. I've been in it

over thirty years. And in those

thirty years, the only thing that's

changed is the Elvis stamp and

some gun laws. People are bored!

They wanna shake things up!

ROB:

I thought people just wanted their

mail delivered on time.

Josie walks into the store, triggering Hawaiian music.

Monty puts a lei over her head.

MONTY:

Aloha! Welcome!

ROB:

Relax, Monty. It's just my sister.

Monty takes the lei off her neck. Josie hands Rob an

envelope. Rob rifles through the cash inside.

ROB:

Thanks, Jos. I'll pay you back.

Bambi thanks you, too.

Rob indicates a beat-up wreck of a yellow car parked

outside.

JOSIE:

That is so--weird that you name

your car.

ROB:

No it's not. Guys name their

penises.

JOSIE:

Okaaaay....

(then)

That car's going to bankrupt you.

ROB:

She just needs a new windshield

wiper.

JOSIE:

Because I bought the windshield

last week. I'm a hubcap away from

owning more of Bambi than you do.

Rob hands the money back.

ROB:

Y'know what? Take it. I don't want

it.

Josie hands it back.

JOSIE:

Rob, take the money, okay? It's no

big deal.

ROB:

No, it is. It's just one more thing

to add to your "things that make

you a better person than me" list.

JOSIE:

Better person than I.

ROB:

See!

JOSIE:

I know this woman. She works in

admissions at Lakeshore Community?

She might be able to get you in

for the Fall semester. Maybe she

could get you the baseball

scholarship, and I could help and--

ROB:

I'm not going to college, Jos. And

I'm not playing anymore baseball.

This is my life.

JOSIE:

(whispering)

This--this is a luau that sells

packing material!

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