Never Been Kissed Page #4

ROB:

Someday this luau is going to be

all mine!

JOSIE:

How can you just give up like that?

You had a real shot at playing

college ball and you let one case

of mono stop everything. Don't you

want more? To move out of Mom and

Dad's? Pay your own bills?

ROB:

Oh yay! And then I could be as

happy as you!

JOSIE:

For your information, I am very

happy. Deliriously happy. I lead a

very happy life!

She exits. The music starts up again.

MONTY:

Come again!

INT. JOSIE'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT

We PAN AROUND the neatest and quietest walk-up you've ever

seen. Lots of books on shelves.

We find Josie sitting at her small table putting the

finishing touches on a needlepoint pillow. She turns it

over and WE SEE it says: "LOVE". She holds up the final

product to a terrarium, lookup up at her two turtles.

JOSIE:

There. What d'you think, guys?

Where should it go?

Josie looks around the living room.

JOSIE:

Hmm.

(She pretends to

listen to the

turtles.)

What's that? Bedroom? Great idea!

She walks into the bedroom with the pillow.

INT. JOSIE'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS

A perfectly arranged Laura Ashley bedroom. We PAN OVER TO

the bed. It is completely covered in needlepoint pillows.

Josie places the latest one on top of the others and smiles.

JOSIE:

Perfect.

INT. A CONFERENCE ROOM - SAME

It's packed with the NEWSPAPER STAFF. HYRAM RIGFORT, 65,

white-haired, dignified owner of the paper presides. Anita

and Josie sit next to each other. Next to Anita sits Roger

from Op/Ed, a good-looking guy in his 30's.

RIGFORT:

Let me start out by saying that I

was very impressed by the

investigative piece Dutton did on

pesticides in our supermarkets.

An older man, Dutton, smiles proudly.

RIGFORT:

But since the Trib did a better

piece on the same subject, you're

fired.

Dutton's face falls. Everyone looks horrified.

RIGFORT:

You heard me. Out. Out.

Dutton shuffles out. Josie takes a big bite of donut.

RIGFORT:

So. Happy March everybody!

ALL:

(by rote)

Happy March Mr. Rigfort.

RIGFORT:

To celebrate, I've decided it's

time for another undercover feature!

Everyone looks underwhelmed.

RIGFORT:

You all know that some of my best

inspiration comes from personal

experience. Who knew that my botched

foray into hair plugs would lead

to last month's award-winning expose --

"hair today, gone tomorrow"? Hat's

off to you, Bruns.

We PAN OVER to BRUNS, a reporter whose hair is missing in

odd-looking clumps. He nods sadly.

RIGFORT:

Or should I say "hat's on"! And

what about when my wife had that

affair with Gil, her ski instructor

and Howard went undercover as an

expert slalom skier.

Howard smiled wanly. Both his arms are in casts. CAMERA

PANS the room as Rigfort continues, picking out different

reporters.

RIGFORT:

So last night I'm sitting around

the dinner table with my family.

The wife, the two nannies, the

boys, and we're eating chicken

with this peanut sauce.

CAMERA STOPS at a Chef Boyardee look-alike.

GUS:

Undercover chef. I like it.

RIGFORT:

Hang on, Gus. So, we're eating

this peanut sauce and suddenly the

younger kid starts choking.

CAMERA STOPS at a Nurse Ratchet look-alike.

ANITA:

(sotto to Josie)

I'm smelling undercover ER nurse.

RIGFORT:

Turns out he's allergic to peanuts.

And I think -- holy sh*t. I don't

even know my own kids. I mean, who

knows if they're even mine? And it

got me thinking. How much do we

know about kids today? What are

they thinking? How many of them

are allergic to peanuts? Boom. It

hit me -- "My Semester In High

School."

CAMERA STOPS at a bald guy, the jerks over one seat to

Josie.

RIGFORT:

(to Josie)

You. What's your name?

JOSIE:

Josie. Josie Geller.

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