Never Say Die Page #2

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Why, I've told everyone

I came here to...

Shh! Don't.

Oh, I must control myself.

I mustn't lose my temper.

No, no.

Don't do that!

No! Uh, oh.

You do intend to marry me,

don't you, John?

Why...

Well, uh, l-l...

Let...

I'll get it.

You do...

don't you, John?

Oh, sure.

No other thought ever

entered my mind, Mrs. Marko.

Then that's settled.

I'll go and change.

Yes.

And then we'll

set the date.

Date.

[Door Closes]

Jeepers!

I gathered from what

I overheard, sir...

that we're

in a slight miasma, sir.

Miasma is right.

I should advise

a firm stand.

I had a brother-in-law...

since deceased...

who sponged lions

for a living, sir.

He always said...

Oh, shut up, Jeepers!

Feel my pulse.

It's doing that again.

One, two, three.

One, two, three.

One, two, three.

Waltzing?

Yes, sir.

I'd better drop down

to the chemist's, sir,

and get your acidity test.

Oh, yes. Good.

I'll meet you

at Dr. Schmidt's.

And as for Mrs. Marko,

I should tell her

to go fry an egg.

Yeah, and get shot down

like a clay pigeon.

"The coward dies

a thousand deaths,

the hero dies but once."

Do hurry, Marjorie.

Oh, yes, but these

lovely little fish!

Doesn't it frighten

the fish?

Not at all, madam.

They grow to love it.

The acidity test

for Mr. Kidley, please.

Of course.

What does it do?

Just one moment,

madam, please.

Knoodle, Kneck,

Kipper, Kidley.

Ah. Here we are.

Ah, now I remember

what I want...

Corn plasters.

But the gentleman was...

Oh, but I was

here first.

Excuse, please.

Now, these we recommend.

That will be

two samelkas, please.

Here you are.

And ten samelkas.

Two samelkas.

Thank you.

I've been waiting here

for the analysis for Kipper.

He's been a little bit

off color lately.

Haven't you, Kipper?

Oh, poor little

poochie-woochie.

[Barks]

Why, you nasty

little dog, you!

[Chuckling]

The name was Kipper,

wasn't it?

Ja, Kipper.

Ja, ja, ja, ja.

Uh, Kidley...

Kornbostle,

Kreutzenheimer.

I was certain

that was here

a moment ago.

Knoodle, Kneck,

Kidley, Kornbostle.

I can't understand it.

[Man]

Breathe in, breathe out.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Good. Very good.

Yeah, but Doctor,

I'm worried about

those three white spots.

I am not worried

about them.

You're not?

No. They are the buttons

on your under trousers.

Oh.

[Laughs]

That is all.

Step out.

Here, Maria.

[Knocking]

Mr. Kidley's acidity test.

Here I am, sir.

Ah. Here we are.

I have very much

expect this...

But this is marvelous!

[Kidley]

What is it, Doc?

You've got 162 acidity...

three times normal!

Oh, well that's fine.

That's great.

Or is it?

Is it? My friend,

with your acidity,

you can digest bones.

You mean bones?

But I don't like bones.

You not only can,

but you will...

your bones

and everything else.

You will completely

digest yourself.

W-W...

You-You mean I'm...

I'm gonna pass away?

Pass away?

You will disappear!

Thinner and thinner,

smaller and smaller...

until finally...

pfft!

Pfft?

Now I know what is

the matter with you.

You have got

Acidatus Canis...

the acidity of a dog.

A dog?

It is very, very rare.

Oh, very rare.

Not once in 700 years

does it turn up.

Acidity.

Acid mouth.

Acidity...

Ah! Here we are.

"The last case was

a Greek shepherd boy.

His name was Peropilis."

Well, what happened

to him?

Unfortunately, nobody knows.

"On the last day,

he went out

with his sheep...

Yes?

And they found

only his footprints."

Yeah, well, look, Doc.

I mean, how long

have I got?

Oh, ten, twenty,

maybe thirty days.

D-Days?

Oh!

But why should you care?

In the history of medicine,

you will live forever.

You are the first

human dog.

L-I'm...

[Coughing]

[Barks]

What was that?

Ah. Erno.

[Barking]

Jeepers!

Doc! Doc!

Never mind writing me up.

What I want to know is...

Look, Erno.

The body is still

round and fat.

The face is still smooth.

But in the eyes already

show the ravages of-of...

We've got to give it

a name.

I'll call it

"Schmidt's Disease."

After you?

After me.

Down the centuries,

students will read of this.

Side by side we will

live through all eternity...

Schmidt and his disease.

We must send it

to the journal.

Oh, yes.

All the newspapers.

The whole world.

Doc, look! Look, Doc.

It's started already.

I'm shrinking!

L... l...

That is my hat.

Oh.

[Laughs]

If I may say so, sir,

I don't think you

put up much of a fight.

Jeepers,

you talk like a fool.

Have you ever

seen Mrs. Marko

at target practice?

Why, she can shoot

the head off a pin

at 100 yards.

But didn't you tell her,

sir, that you only had

30 days to live?

Yeah. That was

my fatal mistake.

Three minutes after I told her,

she had me signing

on a lot of dotted lines.

I'll fix it with flowers,

and it will look beautiful.

All right.

Now, what

about the time?

I can push you in

and your gentleman

at 3:
30.

Oh, couldn't you

make it 4:
00?

Marrying on the half hour

has been unlucky for me.

No. Impossible!

At 4:
00 I marry

his Highness Prince Smirnov

to a young lady from Texas.

[Chuckles]

That's where

the cows come from.

Very well.

Mr. Kidley and I

will be here at 3:30.

They say cremation's

awfully nice, sir.

They say cremation's

awfully nice, sir.

Jeepers!

Just trying

to be helpful, sir.

Well, stop it.

Have you got a cigar?

Yes, indeed, sir.

Shall I smoke it

for you?

No, I'll smoke it myself.

What does it matter now?

That's the spirit, sir.

As the poet says,

"Come fill the cup...

for the bird's

on the wing."

That's good.

I'm just beginning to realize

what a swell old world

this is...

now that I've only

got thirty days.

Twenty-nine now, sir.

Jeepers, I've got

to do something

about my money.

If I leave it to Mrs. Marko,

she'll use it to start a war.

[Man]

I'm tellin'you,

you'll do like I say!

You'll marry Smirnov

if I have to

hogtie you!

[Woman]

No! I won't! No!

Do exactly as I say!

Look out!

Well!

Well!

Well, I don't blame her.

Whatever it is,

he's wrong.

Home, Jeepers.

Yes, sir.

[Loud Pop]

[Man]

Mighty proud to be his wife,

that's what you ought to be.

Mighty proud!

Why, Smirnov's folks

goes back 40 generations.

Well, why don't he

go back with 'em?

[Sobbing]

"Don't do this.

Don't do that.

Don't wear this.

Don't wear that."

Trying to make

a lady out of me!

Always licking my hand

like a St. Bernard dog.

Oh, I hate him!

Now, we didn't traipse

all the way...

from Eagle Heights, Texas,

to Bad Gaswasser...

just so you could

back out now.

But, Pa,

I love Henry Munch!

Aww!

Oh, Henny-Penny!

They're trying

to pull us apart.

Oh, Henny,

coochie-woochie!

Aw, coochie-woochie-woochie!

Oh, Daddy, no, don't!

Munch is a no-account

bus driver!

From Eagle Heights

to Silver Falls.

I don't care.

I love him

just the same.

That Smirnov's nothing

but a dressed-up coyote.

Dressed or undressed,

you're marrying him at 4:00.

Well, Henry was good enough

when we were nothing

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