Never Say Die Page #3

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but poor scrub farmers.

Ever since we struck oil

and got to wearin' shoes...

you've been gettin'

mighty nose-high, Pa.

You're goin'

back home a princess,

just like I told 'em.

By hooky, they'll let me

into the country club

and everything then.

I'll show 'em!

That bunch always

lookin' down on me.

If they could only

patch up a man...

as easily as they can

a bicycle tire.

[Loud Pop]

[Laughing]

Imagine me laughing

in my condition.

You're going through with it,

and that's my final say!

I won't.

I won't, I won't,

I won't, I won't!

I'll... I'll run away.

I'll... I'll do

something desperate.

Hey!

Jeepers, that girl!

Mr. Kidley! No!

Oh!

Help! Help!

Oh! Wait!

Careful!

Help!

Why, you...

- Oh, Miss, please!

- I'll save you. Take it easy.

Let me, sir!

Let me, please!

Oh, darn fool.

Oh! Oh!

Get her! Save her!

Get her!

Hey, wait a minute!

Wait.

Are you all right?

Oh! Oh. Oh.

Oh, say!

Oh, thanks.

You saved my life.

Well, why did you do it?

Why didn't you

let me alone?

You-You can't

even swim.

Apart from his morning tub,

Miss, he's never been

in the water in his life.

Well, then,

why did you do it?

It was marvelous...

I mean, wonderful...

[Sobbing]

But why did you do it?

Well, you see, l...

Any man would have

done the same.

I couldn't get

the inner tube

off my neck, sir.

Look. Look, you.

You...

Don't you ever do

anything like that...

no matter what

your troubles are.

This world's a pretty nice

place to live in.

Think of the sunshine,

and the bees...

and the butterflies

and the breeze and the...

and the...

What's that thing

about the cup?

"Come fill the cup.

The bird's on the wing."

Yeah, you see?

The bird's on the wing.

What bird?

Well, uh...

What bird, Jeepers?

Just a figure of speech, sir.

Come along, sir.

We mustn't precipitate

your demise. Pneumonia!

Come on.

You're liable to catch

your death of cold if you...

Oh, me.

[Coughs]

[Barking]

I just wish

you knew my Henry.

He's so big, and strong

and-and cute.

Why, he'd do

anything for me.

You know,

when we were kids, he...

he ate a beetle, just

'cause I asked him to.

Sounds like a handy fella

to have around a garden.

Yeah, but that's

all over with now.

At 4:
00 I've

got to marry Smirnov.

Yeah, but this is 1939.

You don't have to go around

jumping off bridges.

You don't know Pa.

But what are my troubles

compared to yours?

I mean, you being

a human dog and everything.

Yeah. Acidatus Canis.

You know, while we're

sitting here, Mickey,

you know what I'm doin'?

Uh-uh.

I'm digesting myself.

Huh?

Bones and all.

I'm getting smaller

and smaller.

First a pygmy,

then a radiator ornament...

then a watch charm,

and finally... pfft.

Just a memory.

I'm the last

of the vanishing Americans.

Oh, I feel so sorry

for you, Mr. Kidley.

Oh, thanks, Mickey.

Nobody else cares.

Why, even the hotel people

asked me to move.

Afraid I might give

the hotel a bad name.

Told me to go to some

other place and die.

Oh, I wouldn't

be afraid of them.

I'd do it right here

in this room,

if I wanted to.

Oh, gee.

You're a nice girl, Mickey.

I like you...

and I like Henry too.

You do?

Jeepers.

Yes, sir?

Another glass.

Another glass,

Jeepers.

For you.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Let's drink to Henry.

Munch?

Munch.

Munch.

[Telephone Rings]

That couldn't be Pa,

could it?

The Kidley suite.

[Kidley]

Who is it?

It's the "Arko-may."

Holy mackerel!

I forgot all about her.

What does she want?

It's about

your nuptials, sir.

She wants to know

if you're dressed.

Tell her no.

Tell her anything.

Tell her I'm not dressed,

not even my socks.

You see, Mrs. Marko,

Mr. Kidley is

a little delayed.

No, not decayed, madam,

delayed.

[Marko]

And I want him to be

ready for the ceremony!

What'd she say?

What'd she say?

She says you'd better

be ready darn soon, sir...

and I didn't like

the way she said it.

Well, Jeepers...

Jeepers, do something.

Think of something.

Yeah!

What's the matter?

What's the matter?

She... Mrs. Marko,

she shoots her husbands.

She pushes them

off mountains and...

and I've got

to marry her at 3:30.

But you don't have

to marry her, do you?

I don't, huh?

She's the Olympic

pistol champion.

I can't get out of this

any more than you can.

I mean, we're

in the same fix.

Oh, why didn't you

let me stay in the water?

I was just beginning

to do all right.

All she wants

is my money.

She's my Smirnov.

Hey, wait a minute.

There's an out.

There's an out

for both of us.

You mean we should

jump back into the...

No! Listen carefully.

We only have

a few minutes.

Yeah?

How would you

like to marry me?

How would l... What?

You've had too much

of that spider juice, sir.

No, I haven't.

But I can't marry you.

Yes, you can.

Here, put this on.

It throws everybody

for a loss.

It puts the prince

behind the eight ball...

and the pistol champion

in the side pocket.

But what about Henry?

Well, that's it.

I can die in peace,

and as soon as I'm gone

you can marry Henry...

and I'll leave him

barrels of money.

He can buy

a thousand buses.

Yeah, that's...

Oh, but I don't love you.

I mean, I don't even

know you, well,

good, you know.

I don't love you either.

That makes it perfect.

But why should you

do all this for me?

Well, in the first place,

I've never done anything

for anybody.

In the second place,

it helps me too.

And in the third place...

Oh, well, I don't know.

But-But, you can't...

No buts. You leave

everything to me.

All right, I will.

And I'll leave

everything to you.

Highness.

[Man]

Ah, gentlemen!

Your Highness, I wouldn't

have missed your wedding

for the world.

Gentlemen,

you all know Kretsky.

There he stands,

an eloquent picture

of his mission.

The bulge

in his right pocket:

My unpaid notes.

In his left pocket:

My bad checks.

The hollow in the middle

is Kretsky.

Your Highness

has saved me words.

Unless the bulge

in my left pocket...

is made good immediately

after the ceremony...

Your Highness will

have the opportunity...

of entertaining the police

with his priceless humor.

Kretsky,

I intensely dislike

you and your bloodhound...

continually sniffing

at my heels.

We are sniffing

for 200,000 samelkas

in bad checks.

Kretsky, I have told you,

you will be paid...

when I get my dowry...

after the wedding.

Oh, pardon me,

Your Highness.

I'm terribly sorry.

[Laughs]

I, uh, I nearly

ran over you.

Pardon me,

Your Highness.

I will forgive you

if you make me

a good wedding.

[Laughs]

Excuse me, sir.

Are you the mayor?

Uh, what is it?

Could I speak to you

for a moment, sir?

Just one moment.

Will you pardon me.

Your Highness, pardon me.

What is it?

There's a certain

young party, sir.

She wants

to get married.

Well, uh...

A scullery maid, sir,

and the butler

in the same house, sir.

No, I can't do it.

I'm afraid they'll elope

unless we do something, sir.

You know,

what with springtime

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