Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian Page #4

Okay. Don't blame me

if something happens to you.

I should be so lucky.

I am Kahmunrah. I am half god,

once removed on my mother's side,

rightful ruler of Egypt,

future ruler of...

Well, everything else.

Now, I have lost some men.

So, I am in need of some new generals

to join me in my little plan

of conquering this world.

Ivan the Terrible.

Napoleon Bonaparte.

And young Al Capone.

Yeah.

Some of the most despicable,

most feared leaders in all of history.

Gentlemen,

really, it's just fantastic

to meet you all.

- And us, too.

- And me, you.

All I ask is your allegiance,

and in return, I offer you the world.

Literally. Are there any questions?

Yeah, I got one.

How come you're wearing a dress?

This is not a dress. This is a tunic.

It was the height of fashion

Are there any other questions?

Da. This dress you're wearing,

do we have to wear one of these, too?

Were you not listening?

I just told Mr. Capone here

that this is not a dress.

It is, in fact, a tunic.

Very big difference.

Are there any other questions?

Any questions not about the dress?

Tunic?

All right, then. Moonlight is wasting,

- and the time is short.

- Short?

Why do you look at me

when you say "short"?

Sorry. It slipped out.

Da. If we are talking

about world domination,

then of course, I am interested.

But first I want to clarify something

so you know what you are getting.

People always say,

"Ivan the Terrible, he's so terrible.

"I'm so scared of Ivan. He's bad news."

When in fact,

the correct translation is

"Ivan the Awesome".

Ivan the Awesome?

It's not really as catchy, is it?

I mean, "Ivan the Terrible",

that really pops.

But I wasn't terrible. In fact,

I was quite an effective leader.

Duly noted. Now, I'd like to wrap up

the old meet-and-greet

by asking you gentlemen a question.

Are you with me?

- Yeah. Yeah, sure.

- Oui.

- Da, but...

- Then bring Larry Daley of Daley Devices

and the Golden Tablet of Ahkmenrah

to me!

We'll get you back down

to your chums, Mr. Daley.

You won't get lost

following Amelia Earhart.

Quick, get down.

Well, well, Mr. Daley,

I quite like the way you're holding me.

No. Sorry, I wasn't trying to...

Oh, please,

stop beating your gums, Mr. Daley.

You haven't been able

to take your cheaters off my chassis

since the moment we met.

I literally didn't understand

one word of that.

Is it just me

or is there music in the air?

... my baby, we can make it shine

We can take forever...

You! Little flying angel things! Quiet!

They're cupids, Mr. Daley. Gods of love.

Great. Gods of love, would you shut up?

Please shut up. We're trying to hide.

Yeah! More than a woman! Yeah!

No, don't change the arrangement,

it's not about the arrangement. Quiet!

Kick the chorus, y'all!

More than a woman

Yo, show me what you got,

night guard!

All right, come on. Let's go.

More than a woman to me

More than a woman

She's more than a woman

And so, the little tiny man who

could not be a smaller or shorter mouse

runs into the claws of the giant cat!

You're really hung up

on the height, aren't you?

- No, it's not about height, see...

- Yes, you are.

You're saying I'm a little mouse,

you're a giant cat.

- I am the giant cat.

- No offense, I just...

You're Napoleon.

There's a complex named after you.

You're famous for being little,

and it's true. Look.

Oh, you naive American man-boy.

Look. Neither of us are gonna

be jamming anytime soon, right?

So it's not like we should...

It's not even an issue.

It's not about height or something else.

It's a plan. It's a brilliant plan.

- So it was a plan.

- Snazzy maneuver, Emperor.

Merci, mademoiselle.

Now, if your boyfriend

would kindly come with me...

I'm not her boyfriend.

- Not her boyfriend.

- No.

Just friends?

- Yeah, friends.

- Acquaintances. Friends.

Were you guys, like, friends in college

and just afraid now

to both ruin your relationship

by telling the other person

that you want to be more than friends,

that you like-like each other?

One more time?

I'm sorry. I didn't catch the...

Were you guys, like, friends in college

and now both afraid

to ruin your relationship

by telling the other person

that you want to be more than friends,

that you like-like each other?

- No.

- No?

I just love the nitty-gritty of

relationships. All us French do.

- Great.

- Yes. Amour!

- Now.

- Yeah?

- This way, or you die.

- Yes.

- Wait, I'm coming with you!

- No! Our fight is not with you.

...so you gotta bet a second time.

- All right. Okay.

My hair is currency

in certain parts of Europe.

It's true.

Currency, like gold or paper money.

The Duomo was purchased

with just one locket.

Listen up, kemosabe.

This rodeo clown wouldn't know

a flapjack from a flyswatter.

Now, Gigantor's out there

risking his hide for us.

The least we can do

is give him some help.

Some big help. But we can't very well do

that if we're stuck in here, now, can we?

We need to escape.

What's a flapjack?

It's like a biscuit or a scone.

- Chest bump?

- Yeah.

Then deadly. Watch.

Guard your cards, okay? Now you bet.

Okay, now you got

to throw some cards down.

- Ready?

- Ready.

Say something. Say anything.

This is no fun. You're supposed to...

- Hey! What are you two doing out here?

- Octavius, go!

- You, make a run for it, I'll hold them off!

- I will not leave you!

Ain't no time for your Roman melodrama!

Now, get! Go!

Old Jedediah will be fine.

Now, you're in real trouble.

Why, these aren't real rubies at all.

Ruby slippers indeed.

But, whoever you are, Archie Bunker,

you had one comfortable throne.

Hey, boss.

Caught this one trying to escape

through a rust hole in the crate.

One of his little friends got away.

Oh, please.

What damage could they possibly do?

Why, they're no bigger than

a little grain of couscous. Aren't you?

You know, two words come to mind

when I hear you talk.

"Delusional" and "weirdo".

And if I had to say a third, "goofy".

Just goofy.

Now you let old Jedediah out of here

or he's gonna get angry.

Well played, Jedediah!

I'm sorry, I can't take you seriously.

You're just adorable,

even when you're threatening me.

It's hilarious.

Is it just me,

or are these guys unbelievably cute?

Now hold it a second, now.

Now, you have a right to keep me

as your captive, torture me, even,

but don't call me cute! I ain't cute!

Steady, my friend!

Just stay alive! I will find you!

Gigantor. No!

Hello, Mr. Daley. Nice to see you again.

Now, if you don't mind,

I shall take that from you.

Thank you.

Finally. Finally! After 3,000 years,

my evil army of the damned,

my beautiful, beautiful army,

shall be unleashed!

I'm afraid that Mother

and Father may have

slightly changed the combination on me.

I guess this whole

unleashing-the-underworld thing

isn't really working out for you, huh?

It must be really frustrating,

'cause you've waited thousands of years

to come back from the dead

and everything,

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