Night at the Museum Page #3

The hunt is afoot.

Hunt's afoot.

Excuse me, Mr. President.

Could I ask you something?

-Yes, but just one question.

-All right.

Okay, why? Is it just some, like,

three-wishes kind of deal, or--?

Not at all. Self-reliance

is the key to a vigorous life.

A man must look inward to find

his own answers. How can I be of help?

I don't really know how to put this,

and please don't take it the wrong way...

...but isn't everything in this museum

supposed to be, you know...

-...dead?

-Dead?

-Yeah.

-Follow me.

Yell all you want, pharaoh.

You've been in there 54 years.

You're not getting out tonight.

There's the source of all this commotion.

The Tablet of Ahkmenrah.

Arrived here in 1952

from the Nile expedition.

On that night,

everything in this museum came to life.

And every night since.

So everything in the museum

comes to life every night?

Exactly.

And I'm supposed to do what?

You're the night watchman, Lawrence.

A venerable position in this institution.

-Come on, lad.

-All right. Okay. This is impossible.

Nothing's impossible.

If it can be dreamed, it can be done.

Hence the 20-foot jackal staring at you.

Don't make eye contact.

Your job is to make sure that everyone

stays inside the museum...

...because if the sun rises

and anyone's on the outside...

...we turn to dust.

-You turn to dust?

-Dust.

-Really?

-Really.

Now, it's almost dawn.

I shall help you restore order tonight.

But mark my words, it's the last time

I shall ever do so. Is that clear?

Yeah. I mean-- I mean, I guess. I don't....

Stop babbling, boy! Yes or no?

-Yes.

-Good.

Let's ride.

All right. So the Hall of Reptiles is secure.

What are you looking at?

I'm tracking, dear boy.

Man's got to track.

Welcome to the family, Lawrence.

See you tomorrow night.

Actually, I gotta be honest.

I don't think I'm coming back.

What? You've only just begun.

Yeah, well, this is not exactly what l--

-Lawrence?

-Yeah?

What did you do

before you took this post?

Well, I've done a lot of different things.

I invented this thing called the Snapper.

Did you give up on that as well?

No, I just hit a few roadblocks.

You might have heard of The Clapper?

-Lawrence.

-Yes, sir?

Some men are born great.

Others have greatness thrust upon them.

For you, this is that very moment.

Bully. Got you, boy.

Yeah. You got me.

Say hello to your little friend.

-What are you doing?

-Put me down.

I don't like to be manhandled.

-Just calm down, Jed.

-lt doesn't feel good.

-lt makes me feel small and powerless.

-You done?

I'm gonna shoot you in your dang eye.

In your dadgum eye.

Yeah, keep shooting.

Nothing's gonna happen.

Now you know my shame.

Jedediah's impotent rage.

His guns don't fire. Take me away.

This ain't over.

You ain't seen the last of me.

I don't wanna hear it, okay?

Duck!

The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

This is not worth 1 1.50 an hour.

Look, the giant's scared.

There's a bigger giant running around.

Hello.

Larry?

Larry?

Oh, don't do that.

We're too old for surprises.

Really? I thought you liked surprises.

Like how you surprised me...

...with the fact everything in

the museum comes to life at night.

That little sweetheart.

We wanted to tell you.

You never would have believed us.

-You have any idea what I've been through?

-What?

-You have any idea what I've been through?

-Keep a lid on it, butterscotch.

I don't know if what happened last night

was real, but I didn't sign up for this.

I just need a regular job that

is not life-threatening and pays my bills.

So thank you very much

and I left my uniform in the office...

-...and I will be seeing you.

-Larry!

-Dad?

-Hey.

Hey, buddy.

What are you guys doing here?

Oh, Erica had to be in court early,

so I'm taking Mr. Big Stuff here to school.

But he wanted to swing by,

see you in the new job.

It's so awesome

that you're working here.

Hey, Niko, you wanna take

a little look-a-doo inside?

Maybe your dad will give you a VlP tour.

You know what?

We're pretty slammed this morning.

Yeah, but Nicky, I promise,

I'll show you around soon, okay? Deal?

-Deal.

-All right.

-Bye, Dad.

-Bye.

-Love you.

-Love you too, buddy.

Bye, now. All right.

Hey, Larry.

So I was thinking

maybe I'll give it one more night.

I'm glad you came around.

Welcome back.

You. New night guard, here, now.

-What's up?

-"What's up? "

Oh, well, take a walk with me

and I'll show you, Mr. "What's up? "

Come on.

So would you kindly do me the favor

of explaining this?

Okay. I'm guessing--

And I'm just spitballing here,

but looks like that Roman dude got cocky...

...and climbed over into the Wild West.

And the cowboy knows Roman dude

wants to take over his territory...

...so he rounded up a posse

and put him in the stockade.

"Let's all laugh at me,

the comedy night guard."

"No" is the answer.

Sarcasm back at you,

with your humor box.

I wasn't laughing. Pretending to laugh...

...if that's what you want,

some sort of battle of humor.

Do you?

No.

I don't want--

No, I don't want a battle of humor.

No, you don't,

because it would be a bloodbath.

Nothing funny about Little Bighorn.

No. I find it about as funny

as a "fancist."

It's not funny. Okay? And I will not

stand for this type of blatant....

If I'm not clear, tell me.

Am I clear?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

Hey, Cecil?

You got an extra copy

of that instruction manual?

Oh, no. I'm afraid not, Larry.

Listen, I'll tell you what you do.

Read some books.

Brush up on your history.

Helped me a lot when I first started out.

This museum was originally dedicated

to that man on the horse up there...

...President Theodore Roosevelt.

He absolutely loved history and believed

that the more you know about the past...

...the better prepared you are

for the future.

Okay, kids. Who can tell me

what this room's called?

Very good. The Hall of African Mammals.

Right here we have the king of the jungle,

the lion.

Up ahead is one of my favorite creatures

in the whole museum, the capuchin monkey.

A highly intelligent primate

known for its loving and generous nature.

Excuse me?

I just thought that was....

I just was laughing in agreement.

Happy monkey.

All right, kids. This way.

Let me tell you something.

I'm not buying it.

You might have them fooled,

you might have the kids fooled. Not me.

Can't get past me.

There's a storm coming, buddy.

There's a storm coming.

One of the most famous trackers

in history, Sakagawea was the woman...

...who led Lewis and Clark on

their expedition to find the Pacific Ocean.

You guys have heard the saying,

"Actions speak louder than words."

And yet they wrote--

-Yes, Mr. Daley?

-Yes. Was she deaf?

Was she deaf? No. She was not.

But she--

Yeah, because-- Just-- She does seem

a little bit sort of unresponsive.

That's because she's a statue.

Kids, could you give me one sec?

Go check her out. She's really cool.

-What are you doing?

-I'm gonna be here every night.

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