Night at the Museum Page #4

I wanted to learn a little bit more

about what I'm guarding.

Actually, I've got a bunch of questions.

Maybe when you have a break,

could I buy you a cup of coffee?

A cup of coffee?

Yeah, I mean, just purely a, you know...

...colleague-to-colleague,

information-download sort of coffee.

I finish in 20 minutes.

I'll meet you outside.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

-And have a good rest of your--

-All right. Okay, kids.

It was incredible what she did.

She literally led these men

across rivers, up mountains...

...all with her newborn baby on her back.

She was the ultimate working mother.

Wow, you are quite

the Sakagawean expert.

-Sakagawean.

-Sakagawean?

Yeah. I should be, I've been writing

my dissertation on her for four years.

You've been working on one paper

for four years? That would drive me crazy.

Actually, it's more like a 900-page book.

So, what's your story? Have you

always wanted to be a security guard?

-Oh, I didn't mean to--

-No, no, no.

No, I'm divorced

and I have a 1 0-year-old son...

...so I needed to find

a more steady situation.

Got it. So, what can I tell you

about the museum?

Okay, Attila the Hun.

What is that guy's problem?

Attila was considered the only

genuine threat to the Roman Empire.

" Known as the 'Scourge of God'...

...Attila and his Huns would often

tear off the limbs of their helpless victims.

Attila was famous

for his superstitious beliefs.

He surrounded himself with a phalanx

of sorcerers and magicians...

...who advised and mystified him

with their dark arts."

Larry?

Just wanted to say good luck, son.

And goodbye.

We're clocking out for the last time.

If you're ever in Boca, look us up.

Wait, you guys are going out of town?

What if this doesn't work out?

Smart fellow like you? You'll be fine.

Yeah. We'll just be a phone call away.

Come on, walk us out.

You fellas go ahead.

I need a moment.

He's very emotional.

A lot of memories in this room.

Go crazy, big guy.

Hey, guys.

Quest for fire...

...over. Knock yourselves out.

Morning, dum-dum.

Me no dum-dum. You dum-dum.

You bring me gum-gum?

Yes, I did, fathead.

Lots and lots of gum-gum.

What's that?

I can't hear you through the glass.

Sorry.

Heave.

Heave. Heave.

Hey, what's going on over here?

We expand or we die.

Heave.

-Heave.

-On the count of three...

...you blow this anthill to kingdom come.

-And a one and a two--

-Hey, Jed. Stop that.

No, no. You blow a hole in your mountain,

all you're gonna hit is a wall.

Step aside, Gigantor. We got us a railroad

to build. We're blowing a hole in that thing.

Okay, first of all, enough with

the Gigantor giant stuff, okay?

-I'm just trying to close up shop.

-We're gonna blow it anyway. And a three!

Yeah. What are you doing?

What's it look like we're doing?

It's manifest destiny.

You can't fight it and neither can l.

Go! More dynamite.

-Yeah, use it all.

-All right. Okay.

Listen, "Octavus"? You gotta stop that.

It's Octavius, mary.

Okay, you know what? Fine. Great.

Here you go. This is what happens.

-You cannot do this. I am a Roman general.

-Sorry.

-I have rights.

-And you.

-Hey, no! Put me down!

-Keep heaving, men.

You can't stop progress!

We're gonna have a little talk, okay?

I told you, I don't like to be manhandled.

No, I will manhandle you, Jedediah.

Now, listen, guys.

What is your problem, huh?

Why can't you just get along?

Look, we're men. We fight, okay?

That's what we do.

It's kind of how we pass the time.

You're, like, a giant. A freak, if you will.

We can't expect you to understand that.

You got the whole room to run around in.

You don't have to be near each other.

-What, you mean...?

-You're gonna let us out?

What, and just roam free?

Yeah. Yeah, I might,

if you promise to behave.

That means no fireballs,

no explosions, okay?

You have my word, my liege.

Yeah, no problemo, Gigantor.

My name's Larry, first of all. Okay, Jed?

So I call you Jed.

I don't call you Tiny, right?

What's that supposed to mean?

-"Hey, Teeny." How does that sound?

-I don't like it. It hurts my feelings.

"Gigantor" makes me feel

like some sort of freak, so....

I don't. I just call you Larry.

Don't be a kiss-ass, okay?

Look, I'm trusting you guys, all right?

If you don't do what I say,

you can end up like the Mayan world there.

Locked up. Take a look.

-Do they look happy?

-No.

They look sad.

They can't do what they wanna do.

Now, I'm letting you guys...

...have a little bit of leash here.

Don't choke me with it, okay?

I gotta run. You guys play nice, okay?

Okay. Good. Thanks.

Hey, how's that gum treating you,

dum-dum?

Good.

Oh, hey, Dexter.

I'm just locking up. You want in?

Yeah?

All right.

What's that? You got my keys?

I don't think so.

Looks like Uncle Larry pulled a fast one

on little Dexie.

Those are baby keys for a little baby.

Have fun with your baby keys,

little baby monkey.

Tomorrow I'll bring you a little baby diapy

so you can go poo-poo in it.

I'll give you a tickle

because you're a cute baby.

While you cry all night long

about how Uncle Larry fooled you, huh?

I told you there was a storm coming.

-Hey, Teddy.

-Lawrence.

You impertinent pup.

I knew you'd come back.

-You look like a man on a mission.

-Yeah, I'm gonna give it another shot.

-You...?

-What?

-You checking her out?

-The nerve.

Checking her out.

I've never heard of such a thing.

No, no, no. I'm just-- I mean

because, you know, she's very beautiful.

-Beautiful?

-Yeah.

-Rather handsome woman, I suppose.

-Yeah.

I don't know,

maybe you should go talk to her.

-lndeed. Bless you, lad.

-Yeah. All right.

-Carry on.

-Good. See you.

I....

Hey, hi.

No! It's okay!

It's okay. You guys speak English?

No?

Right. I don't know what that means...

...and I know that you and I got off

on the wrong foot last night, but...

...a little birdie told me

that somebody likes...

...magic.

-Magic?

-Magic.

Sorcery.

Ah, sorcer--

Yes. Illusion.

Everybody likes magic.

And flowers. People like flowers.

There you go. Those are for you.

You know what else people like?

Money.

The almighty dollar, right?

But money can sometimes...

...disappear.

At least that's what l...

...hear.

No wonder you can't understand me.

You got a coin in your ear.

Check this out. Anybody need a hanky?

Well, I wouldn't suggest this little

feller because he has a nasty habit...

...of vanishing...

...into thin air!

No, no. Don't. That defeats the-- Don't!

Not the limbs. Guys, please,

do not tear the limbs.

Cortes, right?

How?

You! Don't even think about it.

Don't you--

Dexter!

Come on, guys!

Hey, guys!

Hey, guys. Hey, guys!

Sorry. What's going on?

What happened here?

I thought we had a deal.

We will never coexist

with these buffoons.

We're past words, Laredo.

Now it's time to let Smith & Wesson

do the talking!

Those guns don't even work.

They don't? Take a look at this.

Dexter!

Why?

Ho! Dexter.

Rate this script:3.6 / 7 votes