Night on Earth Page #5

What's it like in bed?

What in bed?

With a man, if you can't see

anything, when you make love,

how do you know who's next to you,

who you're making love with?

Listen, when I make love it's

with every centimeter of my body,

every pore of my skin.

Unlike you, I'm sure.

Believe me, I know the

man I make love with.

Even when he's on the

stairs, I know it's him.

I can smell him from a block away.

A block away! He must really stink.

F*** you.

I'm glad I can't see you, 'cause

you must be an ugly bastard.

That's right.

Et voil.

Is this Quai de lOise?

Ouais.

Which side?

West of the canal, facing

Porte de la Villette.

OK.

How much is it?

Forty francs.

Listen, a**hole. I've been

trapped in here longer than that,

and I don't need your f***in' charity.

It must be 48 or 49.

Here's 50.

Keep the change.

You think I was born yesterday?

Watch out for yourself!.

Watch out yourself.

Don't you look where you're

going? We're not in Africa here!

You're a racist!

No, I'm not a racist, but you

drive like a f***in' black!

The road goes this way,

and you were going that way!

Are you blind or what?

But it's not my fault!

# I see by your outfit #

# That you are a cowboy ##

I can't see a thing.

They could put up a streetlight

once in a while in Rome.

Would you like to meet

and make love?

Confirmed. I repeat,

send a car immediately.

Where should we do it?

12 Marmoratta Street.

And then?

Buffalota Street, number 40.

And after?

Piazza Quadrata, but there is no number.

Okay, we'll do it in Piazza Quadrata.

Correct, confirmed,

but there is no number.

How many times will we do it?

One thousand and one.

How soon?

Five minutes. Three cars.

Three taxis? You little

slut! We're through.

Hotel Genius. What a name for a hotel!

Good evening. I'd like a room between...

Leonardo da Vinci and Einstein.

Yes, thank you. Who's this?

Dante Alighieri, how's it going?

I'm here having coffee with Shakespeare.

Isaac Newton!

Beethoven!

Beethoven, I'd like you

to meet Charlie Parker.

Say something to him, Charlie.

Charlie Parker at the Hotel Genius...

If there's no room at the Hotel Genius

I'll take a room at the Hotel Imbecile.

Rome deserted.

Beautiful city.

The Romans have all left Rome.

Where did they go?

Everyone's in Bergamo.

What do they do in Bergamo?

I love these one-way streets!

It's like bumper cars.

"In the middle of the

journey of our life,

oh, dear friends, to you I convey,

I found myself down a street one way."

It's a one-way street!

That's right, it's one-way, you jerk!

This wall wasn't here yesterday!

Like Saint Pete, I will retreat.

And like the saints that

led, I'll move ahead.

Another one-way street!

They're always changing

everything. F***in' idiots...

I'm dangerous?

I've got a taxi and they've got guns

and I'm dangerous!

I should turn around

and run them both over.

# I see by your outfit #

A bishop alone in Rome

at 4:
00 a.m.!

Bad luck! Touch my balls.

Excuse me, Father.

The statue confused me.

I couldn't see you. Excuse me.

Across town, please. To Tiburtino.

Tiburtino? Not the Vatican?

Aren't you a bishop?

No, not the Vatican.

And I'm not a bishop.

Father, I want to tell

you that I'm deeply honored

to have a bishop in my taxi.

My dear son, I'm not a bishop.

Yes, I know, you're not a bishop, but...

My son, may I ask you a favor?

Anything, Father!

Could you remove your sunglasses?

It's not safe to drive at

night with dark glasses.

Grazie, padre.

I put them on this morning

and forgot I was wearing them.

I see better now. Thank you!

I feel like a blind man who's

miraculously recovered his sight!

Grazie, padre. Grazie tante.

Padre.

Everything okay, Father?

Everything's okay.

Excuse me, but it says NO SMOKING.

That sign? I keep forgetting

to get rid of it. Sorry, Father.

They put one in every

taxi. It's ridiculous.

Father, I know this will

sound a little strange,

but here we are alone,

at night in a taxi,

and it's a little embarrassing,

but I would like to confess.

But this is not the

appropriate place, my son.

I know, I said it myself

we're in a taxi, not church,

but I must confess, Father.

Dear son, confession is an

act that must remain anonymous.

The church must preserve

this anonymity. Otherwise...

But I promise I won't tell anyone!

I'm not Roman, I'm Tuscan.

I've had this taxi for

and in 15 years

I swear I've never picked

up the same person twice.

And even if I picked

you up again in 10 years

I wouldn't recognize

you, dressed as a bishop.

And I promise I won't

look you in the face.

After all, I've got to drive.

I must confess. Please!

You won't have to pay the fare, okay?

If you don't hear my confession,

I'm afraid I'll burn in hell.

But this is unacceptable.

Father, I've got so

many sins to confess.

First thing, when I was

about 12 or 13 years old,

when boys become big men,

well, each his own physique...

and you begin to feel that

desire for, how can I say it...

for love!

For sex!

You feel the need for

release!

You understand? To

relieve this desire to...

Anyway, I lived in the country

and there weren't many women,

and though you're still a kid,

inside you feel a man's feeling,

and there was no way

to... release this feeling.

So the idea, not mine, but a

real intelligent friend of mine's,

of relieving ourselves with...

we made love with... how do I say this?

With pumpkins.

Warm, soft, damp, with

seeds inside, so round...

And we would... Help me

find the words, Father.

We relieved ourselves

with these pumpkins.

But then, after a certain age, I quit.

I don't know if my friends

quit, but that's their business.

I quit because I felt, Father,

and I'm sure you'll agree,

in growing up to be a

sensitive, even religious man,

that love is something every man needs

not with a vegetable, but with something

alive!

Something that moves, that's

warm, that looks you in the eyes.

Something with a soul.

Anyway, there was a...

a sheep.

A beautiful little sheep!

She was nice, kind, sweet, pretty.

I called her Lola.

Not an ugly old sheep like the others,

but a little sheep.

So delicate, refined!

Soft wool, two big eyes watching me.

At first I didn't even notice.

And what a sweet little voice!

And I was enchanted.

Not like the other sheep.

Her movements were so refined.

She'd come beside me, and somehow

I was always on top of her.

She was so pretty... even erotic!

She would embarrass me because

she would come around

when I was with my friends.

People began to notice

this. It was embarrassing.

In fact, finally my father noticed.

A horrible memory.

Do you know what my father did?

He sold her to a

a butcher.

He sold my Lola to a butcher!

A butcher named Guido Rusticoni.

A fat, hairy, sweaty

guy. Rude, uneducated.

Really ugly, disgusting.

He was horrible.

My Lola to a butcher for 80,000 lire.

I felt so badly that I

haven't eaten meat since.

Even now when they ask me,

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