No Deposit, No Return Page #5

speech a few other times, sergeant?

Turner!

...Like with the phantom

safecracker a few years ago?

You got a good memory, Sandy.

Duke, is that the Guy you've been

givin' the slip to all these years?

Yeah. I've never

seen him before.

Good thing TV isn't two-way.

He'd be lookin' right at ya.

Eventually I will

catch that safecracker,

But at the moment, there are

two kids and $100,000 at stake.

75. I reduced it

from 100,000 to 75.

Sort of like a

clearance sale, huh?

Anything to unload those kids.

If turner's on this, we gotta

move fast. Where's that note?

You're kinda wearin' it.

What?

Where's the envelope?

I didn't finish the note

yet. I didn't put the date on.

It's fine. It's just fine.

I'll be back in about an hour.

An hour, just to

mail a ransom note?

I don't wanna mail it

in the neighborhood.

Can I go with ya?

'course not. With the police

lookin' all over for those kids,

Somebody's gotta watch 'em.

Why do I always get

the dangerous part?

What can be dangerous about

taking care of a couple of kids?

Hey, is this real dynamite?

Give me that and

don't throw... Ah!

Well, is it?

You stay out of our

supplies. You hear me?

Well, Duster and I have

nothing to do. We're bored.

When your sister's

through playin' in there,

Why don't you go on in and try

opening up my safe with my tools?

No, thanks. I'd

rather use dynamite.

Duke, can I please

mail the ransom note?

No. You stay here

and keep 'em busy.

Well? -Well, what?

He said you were

to keep me busy.

I'll tell ya what. I'll give ya

your choice:
Old maid or go fish.

I hate cards. -What then?

I got it. Judo.

I don't know anything

about judo. -Well, I do.

Duster, you sit right

there and watch this.

Come on, Jay, that

wouldn't be fair.

A man like me against

a fella like you...

C'mon, two falls outta three.

Grab my wrist.

Ha-rah!

You're right. You don't

know anything about judo.

I have a feeling

I'm gonna learn.

Well, the note's in the mail.

Hi, Duke.

Don't tell me.

Charades, right?

- You're a pretzel.

- My first judo lesson.

Judo? Oh, Bert.

Duke, you wouldn't wanna send

another ransom note, would ya?

And lower it to $50,000. Before Jay

comes back with lesson number two.

Back? Back from where?

He went out to

get some liniment.

How long's he been gone?

Can you see my watch?

You mean you let

those kids outta here

When we're this close to getting

that computer off of our back?

I'm looking for a Mr.

Duke and a Mr. Bert.

We have the children

down at the station.

I'm going to have to ask you

gentlemen to come with me.

Well, gentlemen, I'm afraid

you're in a little trouble.

But, sergeant, if I

could just explain.

You've been ID'ed by the kids.

It was the girl's

fault. It was her idea.

That's right. -We didn't

want any part of it.

No, we had...

It's too late now.

The law's the law.

Sure, the law's the law. An eye

for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.

If you've got an animal,

you've gotta have a license.

But there's such

a thing as mercy...

And a right to stand before the

bar of Justice and say "animal"!

Animal? License?

Animal license?

That's what we're

here for, right?

Certainly. -Right!

Uncle Duke, uncle Bert, hi.

We lost Duster on the way

home, but then we found him.

Sure.

Well, I guess that

about wraps it up, right?

Not quite. $2.00

for the license.

$2. Oo. Yes, of

course, certainly.

I don't... I

haven't got... Oh.

There we go.

And a form to

fill out. -Form.

Mind if we take it

home and fill it out?

- Suit yourself.

- Thank you very much.

I'll check on that M.O.

Right now, sergeant turner.

On second thought, I think

I'll fill it out right here.

Okay, Benson. Turn 'em over.

I know you guys got fingerprints

off the safe at the airport.

I thought you were off

that case, you old bulldog.

I'll be off it when I see

that safecracker behind bars.

- Excuse me.

- Perfectly all right.

Anything break

on the kidnapping?

Not yet. We don't

have any pictures.

All we know is

a couple of kids.

Girl about her age,

boy about his age.

Probably in the hands

of a couple of hoodlums.

Isn't that terrible,

uncle Duke and uncle Bert?

Two kids our age, in the

hands of a couple of hoodlums.

Yeah, it's terrible.

Here are the prints.

They're smudgy.

They'll do.

Believe me, Benson.

Those kidnappers

and that safecracker

Aren't slipping through

my fingers this time.

- Excuse me.

- Perfectly all right.

Thank you, sergeant.

Come on, uncle Bert.

Jay, you gonna be

out of there soon?

In just a minute.

I'm brushing Duster's teeth.

Brushing a skunk's teeth.

Hey, whose

toothbrush you using?

Never mind, never mind.

I don't wanna know.

Well?

Well, the third ransom

note is on its way.

The rest is up to grandpa.

After a day like today, I sure

am glad we lowered it to 50 g's.

After a day like today,

I lowered it to 30.

You know, though, they're not

really bad kids to have around.

If you've got

hospitalization. -Yeah, right.

What are you doing?

Do you realize anybody could walk

in here... The police, big Joe.

The security here is lousy.

What would you suggest? A nest

of rattlesnakes at the front door?

Not a bad idea. I'll

put that on my list.

List? What list? What is this?

I got a bunch of things here that

could make this place foolproof.

If you take a rope...

I thought I told

you to take a bath.

I was too busy thinking.

And you take it...

Well, we are taking you to

your grandfather's clean.

But we're going to Hong Kong.

I've got dinner.

Or do I? My nose tells

me this is better.

Mmm, that smells

terrific. What is it?

Chili relleno.

Maria's special recipe.

Maria. That your mother?

Uh-uh. Our maid.

She's Mexican.

Mexican, huh?

What are these funny-looking

little hamburgers here?

Swedish meatballs. -Swedish?

That Maria

certainly got around.

- They were Hildas recipe.

- Hilda. That's another maid?

Uh-huh.

Sounds like you spend an

awful lot of time with maids.

Mother's the head

of a magazine.

Oh, well, I see.

I didn't know that.

And that keeps her very busy.

Yeah, su-sure, sure.

I can understand that.

Hope you like your

baked apples cinnamon.

Baked apples with

cinnamon? Mmm.

They're my favorite.

I know. Bert told me.

Oh, he did, did he?

I've been doing a

little research myself,

And Jay tells me that you

are a perfect size eight.

Is that right?

For me? -Mm.

I love it.

And green's my favorite color.

Did Jay tell you that too?

No. Just a guess.

Well, that was a pretty

lucky guess, I guess.

Is it too late to

lower that to 25,000?

I'll tell Mr.

Osborne you're here.

He's just finishing breakfast.

- Slept late, you see.

- It's almost noon.

Grandchildren in the

hands of kidnappers,

The old man sleeps till

noon. He's a strange one.

Strange?

A distraught grandfather

pacing the floor half the night,

Finally falling, exhausted,

into a fitful slumber at dawn.

He has to sleep until

noon. -Longnecker.

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