No Time for Sergeants Page #4

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Airman.

How you gonna like it

when somebody calls you "airman"?

By dog, I just don't think I'll stand for it.

MAN 1:
Hey, long as we gotta lie in the

dark, give us a chance to get some sleep.

- Knock it off.

MAN 2:
Yeah, hit the...

[MEN MURMURING]

Airman.

[TRUMPET PLAYING "TAPS"]

Somebody brung their trumpet.

[MEN SNORING]

Hey, Ben.

Hey. Hey, Ben.

[MO ANS]

[LOUD KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[MUTTERING]

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

All right, I'm up, I'm up.

All right, I'm up. All right, I'm up.

All right, I'm up.

Howdy, I'm Will Stockdale.

I didn't hear the whistle.

Tell the men to line up.

If the captain comes around,

tell him I'm checking on who overslept.

I'll be out there just as quick as I can...

It's 12:
00 at night.

It is?

Oh...

That's a prettiest watch.

You woke me.

Well, you said to knock before entering.

Why did you wake me?

This ain't nothing personal

against you, sergeant...

...no, that we don't like your barracks

no, nothing like that.

What it is, is Ben's got these six brothers

that's all infantry.

That's my new buddy Ben,

that's asleep out there?

So naturally,

he don't wanna be in no Air Force. Heh-heh.

I mean, with the infantry doing the real

fighting and the Air Force being the helpers.

Well, you know,

like in the War Between the States?

So he wants to transfer and he wants me

to go along with him.

I figured you could do it for us. Heh-heh.

I heard what you said out there...

...about how you was here to help us

during first difficult days of military service.

Why do they send all the bums

and the idiots to my barracks?

- They do?

- Yes.

Yes, they do.

Sure must be a mess.

- Whatever your name is, get out...

- Stockdale.

Stockdale, I want you to get out of this...

Stockdale?

Don't you come near me.

Get out of this room and get back

in your bunk and go to sleep. That's all.

Yes, sir.

Ben did say

the captain was the one to see...

- Stockdale, where you going?

- To the captain.

Oh, no.

But Ben, he knows all

about doing things military and...

Oh, no. You can't, you can't. You just:

Oh, you can't do it.

Captain would just as soon

rip off your stripes as look at you.

- Well, I ain't got no stripes.

- Wait a minute.

Now, you'll never get transfers

by waking up the captain.

He won't understand.

Believe me, he won't.

- Well, I'll go over it real slow.

- Wait a minute.

Now, if you want the captain

to do you a favor...

...you've gotta do a favor

for the captain.

Yeah, that's it.

Now, how would you like to do

a big favor for the captain?

- Me?

- Come on. That's it.

Come on. You do one for him,

he'll do one for me and I'll do one for you.

That's the way it works out in the service.

Now you just go right on in here.

Now do you know what this is?

It's a kind of a big outhouse, ain't it?

- We call it the latrine.

- La... Latrine.

- Uh-huh.

- Heh. How about that?

You might say it's the captain's hobby,

he inspects it every chance he gets.

And when it sparkles,

why he sparkles too.

Now, you get it all cleaned up.

You are the officer in charge.

In charge?

Every last one of them, all yours.

Golly.

Now, you just stay right here

and don't go no place.

- You bet. Good night.

- Good night.

Hey, thank you.

Well, it just goes to show you...

...how good things happen to you

when you're least expecting them.

Well, get started.

WILL:
I stayed officer in charge

of this here latrine all night long.

Rubbing and scrubbing...

... and doing my best to make things sparkle

like Sergeant King said.

And then I stayed on

through breakfast too...

... because I wanted to do

a right good job of it.

So Sergeant King would be real pleased

how things come out...

... when he come in

to look at it in the morning.

Beautiful.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

- Beautiful.

- Shucks, it ain't hard.

Wait'll the captain sees this.

He inspects this

like it was an operating room...

...where somebody

was gonna cut out his heart.

Never in your life you've seen such a guy

for sticking his head right down into things.

- You figure he'll like what I done?

- He'll be a new man.

Will, how would you like

to be permanent latrine orderly?

- Permanent latrine orderly?

- PLO.

Golly.

The captain makes inspection

every Saturday.

Now, if you could keep everything

as clean as it is right now...

...the captain'll get off my back.

Gee, I'd sure like to, sergeant...

...but I was kind of set on helping Ben

get them transfers.

You know, he's my buddy.

Ain't I your buddy?

You are.

You help me out, I'll help Ben.

Just don't say anything about this

outside of this room.

I'm going to the record section and fix it up

with a couple of friends of mine.

Okay.

Sergeant, don't I have to take them tests

you was talking about yesterday...

...and get myself classified?

No, Will, you've been classified.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

If we hurry, we can catch that picture

at the base theater.

Not me, Ben.

- You said you ain't never seen a picture.

- I know, but I got my duty to do.

- You're going back to that latrine again?

- You bet.

It's against the rules for you

to be permanent in the latrine like that.

All week you've been there.

Sergeant King knows the rules, don't he?

Besides, like I told you,

he's doing me and you a favor.

- What favor, will you tell me that?

- I aim to surprise you, Ben.

You don't go to lectures or study,

how you gonna get classified?

Sergeant King says I'm already that way.

- Are you crazy? Don't you...?

- Now, don't take on so, Ben.

Just wait and see what the captain says

after he makes his inspection tomorrow.

Why you take them faucets, for instance.

I polished them so hard,

they don't say hot and cold no more.

What?

At ease.

I think you'll be very pleased here, sir.

Attention.

Latrine ready for inspection, sir.

This is incredible.

This is absolutely incredible.

I am pleased.

No.

- No, I am happy.

- Thank you, sir. Thank you.

- You the one on latrine duty today, private?

- Yes, sir. All week, sir.

- Ahem, ahem.

- You are to be congratulated.

Just look at...

What did you say?

Me? Nothing, sir.

- Something about all week.

- Uh...

Well, I done my best in one day,

but just to be fair with you...

...it took me a week

of scrubbing to get it like this.

Is this man being punished

for some infraction?

- Oh, no, sir. No, sir.

- Oh, heck no, sir. I'm PLO.

- You're what?

- Permanent latrine orderly.

Stockdale.

Oh, but don't credit me none though, sir.

It's all Sergeant King's doings.

He even got it fixed up

so I don't even have to get classified.

- Sir, I...

- What? That's impossible.

Oh, no, sir.

He fixed it with some friends of his.

Yes, sir.

It was him got me to work so hard...

...telling me how latrines

is your hobby...

...and sticking your head

down into things and all.

- Sir, I can explain every...

- Now, don't you be bashful, sergeant.

Sir, I been wanting to tell you

about what a good sergeant he is.

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