No Way Jose Page #8

How badly you have

ass f***ed me?

You have f***ed me

right in the ass.

I can't walk because the ass

f***ing that you have given me

has ripped me in two,

you f***ing piece of sh*t! Feel better.

I love you.

Is everything...

Probably not.

No.

The f***ing caterer has the flu,

except I know

it's f***ing bullshit

because we share

a client and he told me

that he took

a higher-paying job.

The cock-sucking douche bag,

the day before the motherfucking shindig!

El Pollo Loco?

Hey, do your friends like...

This reminds me of

when we were kids.

What are you talking about?

I met you when I was 24.

Just kids then.

You know we have

to be out of here

after the party tomorrow, right?

My two weeks are up.

Not mine.

My two weeks are just starting.

Can you hear that?

You don't hear that?

No. What?

Mariachi music.

Christ,

don't tell me they're stalking me, too.

This is from your husband.

I'm not married.

Well, maybe

he's proposing, then.

To Mexicano.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello. I said

hello! Hello!

Honey, honey,

give me that, hon.

It's broken.

Call failed.

You know, who...

What's 805?

805, Ventura County,

Santa Barbara.

Why do you know that?

UC Santa Barbara.

Gabe, you need to get ready.

Would you get off the phone?

People are coming in half an hour.

Hey, I'm aware that people

are coming in a half an hour.

I'm writing

an e-mail to a student.

Well,

at least you still have one of those.

Yes, Kate,

I still have one of those.

Jesus Christ, what is the f***ing problem?

You've been on the warpath.

People are canceling, Gabe.

Kevin's mother called today.

She said that you taught him

how to play Wang Dang

Sweet Poontang.

Hey, do you have any idea

how difficult it is to arrange

Wang Dang Sweet Poontang

for the piano?

It stimulates their little fingers,

their little minds.

Are you kidding me right now?

Are you f***ing kidding me?

You're a f***ing child.

What, you have Jose on the couch

- while you teach your lessons?

- Hey, you know what?

I'm spending time

with a friend, okay?

Who's leaving today.

You're supposed to be at work!

So what difference

does it make? I'm at work!

You know what, I am a...

That's work?

I'm a good boy, okay?

I am a good boy.

I've been a good boy for 25

years since I went into rehab.

I've been a good boy every

f***ing day in this relationship.

And I've been a good boy

since I quit the band!

And what? What?

I'm the bad guy?

I'm the bad guy for working so

hard for this f***ing family?

I'm the bad guy?

I'm the f***ing grown up, Gabe!

Hey,

I've been a grown up since I was 17.

No, you have been sober

since you were 17,

and that is not the same thing.

My God, come on!

Are you f***ing kidding me right now?

Jesus! Give me

a f***ing break!

No. No! You can't have a break

because I can't have a break

because we can't

because we are pregnant!

With twins!

Holy sh*t.

What's twins?

It's like two of you, sweetie.

UvaDisc!

It smells amazing.

Yeah,

you're probably getting the galangal,

which is a very,

very kind of potent...

Yeah?

Yeah.

It's like ginger gone bad.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, I've been a little tense.

Carrying a litter, apparently.

No problem, darling.

You really saved us here.

Thank you so much.

Hey, listen, it's my pleasure.

Just point me in the direction

of the damaged divorcees.

Or actually, you know what?

Unhappily married women, I don't care.

You know what,

actually can you just wait

until the people come maybe?

I'll take anyone at this point.

Really?

Yeah, just...

Maybe Mickey you could put some

tin foil over it or something.

Hi.

Hi.

Couple questions about my set.

Would you like me to

err more on the side of

my 4-year-old humor

or my 40-year-old stuff?

Well, what's the difference?

Sailor jokes.

You know, blue stuff. Hi.

Say hi. Sweetheart.

It's okay, it's okay.

It's all right.

Kids hate me. It's okay.

Gabe, should we lose the clown?

Sure.

Thank you, man.

Hey, buddy.

I call this Tom and Jerry.

Gus. Hey, Jose,

happy birthday, man.

Thank you, man.

Nice of you to be here.

I had a very vivid dream.

Yeah?

Yeah.

What was it, Gus?

You were on the beach with Dusty

or it was Linda

wearing Dusty's shoes.

You had this large sombrero

that totally covered your face.

And Dusty...

Linda, lifted the sombrero from your head,

and it wasn't you.

It was Pepe.

Pepe from the liquor store?

Pepe from the liquor store.

Gus, that's uncannily

similar to a dream I just had.

Maybe you were both abducted.

That's not funny, man.

Many felicitous arrivals.

That's lovely.

Look at that.

That's lovely.

Lovely. Thank you.

Gus, how, I don't know, accurate

would you say this

prescience is of yours?

I would say about 60, 70.

Do you want to

get some lemonade?

Where's Jose's hot mom?

I used to love sleeping over at

their house when we were kids.

Van Halen went on

without David Lee Roth.

Hey, we can get Sammy Hagar.

Hey, you guys,

that's not gonna be too loud, is it?

It'll be all right.

I'm using these.

They do this sort of

thing for a living, honey.

You all right there, buddy?

Sh*t.

My parents fight a lot.

I know you seen my face

in your Whole Food.

Yeah, a motherfucking

free range and vegan dude.

I don't know if I can

handle having a kid that cool.

I'd probably have to

Munchausen by proxy.

He's probably seen more tail than

I have in the last three years.

Three?

You see that kid?

Yeah.

No, do you see that kid?

That kid is our little slice

of the American pie dream.

The what?

What the f*** was that?

My God.

That's my sweet spot

right there. I'm going in.

Sorry, sorry.

Hey, bro.

Yeah. How you

holding up, man? Okay?

Yeah, yeah, good.

It's good times, man.

Yeah? Having fun. Okay.

Hey, listen,

you had mentioned before,

you know, something

about Facebooking Dusty.

You're Facebook

friends with her?

Not exactly.

Okay, what does that mean?

Technically, she blocked me.

What do you mean, technically?

Well, I may have

recently hack friended her.

Okay, does that mean that

you can see her page or...

Theoretically, yes.

Okay, so theoretically,

would you be able

to check to see

if she's doing okay?

I just want to make sure because

I haven't heard from her.

I just want to make sure she's...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, way ahead of you there, buddy.

She is definitely alive.

I was way off on that one.

Okay. All right.

Are there any status

updates or, you know?

Just says, "Went on my honeymoon,

off the grid for two weeks."

Adis.

What?

I think she may have

taken those coupons

and gone on your

honeymoon without you.

Jesus Christ, why do you

know about the coupons?

What coupons?

Never mind.

Why didn't you tell me this?

I'm not excellent

with judgment calls.

Okay.

Don't know why this is news.

Jesus, she went to Mexico alone?

I mean, I hope she went alone.

I don't even know what I'm

rooting for at this point.

Is there anything else?

Yeah, Dr. Steve is housesitting.

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