Norbit Page #9

Yeah.

Just now? Sh*t.

Is he all right?

Norbit escaped. He gonna be

headed this way. Come on.

Hell, no.

Norbit is coming.

For shizzle?

We have to figure out way

to stall wedding.

Just calm down, Mr. Wong.

I've ruined plenty of weddings

back in the day. I got this.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today

to join these two in holy matrimony.

Your Honor, I object!

Object? Sir, we've not gotten to

that part yet.

Then I'm objeculating prematurely,

Reverend.

No offense, my brother, but we're just

trying to keep the train rolling here.

Oh, well, if you want to

get the train rolling, you know...

You got to use the big "L".

Lesbians.

No, man.

I ain't talking about no lesbians.

Although, late at night.

Yes.

Right?

Yes.

No, brother, we talking about love.

Love.

Love is the engine

that drives the train forward, backwards,

side to side,

round and round love does go.

You understand me? I got this, brother.

I'm not talking about no $20 up in here,

back seat of the car,

stankystanky, hankypanky.

No.

No.

I'm talking about good, wholesome,

fortified with

eight essential vitamins love.

That cost anywhere...

How much it cost?

About $136, Monday through Fridays.

$212 on the weekends.

Because of inflation.

Can I get an "Amen"?

Amen!

Where the hell you going, Norbit?

None of your GD beeswax, Rasputia!

Look at you, you old stupid fool.

You can't even ride a bike.

Oh, yes, I can, because Kate taught me!

Brothers and sisters.

This particular one's for the brothers.

When you buy the ones that say,

"Ribbed for her pleasure,"

turn them inside out

and they ribbed for your pleasure.

Can I get an "Amen"?

Amen!

Now, speaking of ribs and pleasure.

Yes. For a limited time only,

we are proud to present to you

our barbeque, baby back, horseradish,

mustard and

peanut butterencrusted ribs

with a slight Jagermeister infusion

sprinkled with chamomile leaves

with a horseradish

and dandelion salad on a bed of rice.

Buy one Pimp Platter,

get the whole bones free.

No, no, no! That's enough talking.

It's time to get back to the wedding.

It ain't never enough talking

when you talking about love, brother.

Ain't that right?

Yeah!

Let me hear you say it, people!

Love!

Let me hear you sing it, choir!

Love!

I'm gonna rip your head off.

Rasputia.

What?

Car!

I don't give a damn about no car.

I'm ready to die.

Car!

I'm ready to die!

I'm ready to die.

I ain't gonna let you ruin Nipplopolis

for me, boy! Damn!

I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die up in here.

Drive the car, God damn it!

What's up, white man?

Pay for your sins. Pay for your sins.

We gonna change your name to Leroy.

Amen!

That's enough!

That's enough! Enough! Enough!

Enough! Enough!

Stop the music!

Hold on.

Shut up! You two, shut up!

That's it. This is husbandandwife time.

Now, let's go. Let's go.

Husbandandwife stuff.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today...

I object!

Oh, for Christ's sake!

Norbit.

Norbit.

Norbit.

Norbit

This wedding is a sham

and I'm here to stop it.

Norbit, what are you doing?

I'm being a man

for the first time in my life. Kate...

Kate, I love you.

What the hell did you just say?

You heard what I said, strumpet.

I love Kate!

That's right. I love you, Kate.

And the last two weeks I spent with you

have meant more to me

than my whole entire miserable life

with you, Rasputia!

It's over! Norbit Albert Rice

is no longer your b*tch!

You're dead! Get off me!

Get your hands off me, Black.

Don't go hitting me.

What's wrong with you, girl?

What's wrong with you? Get off of me.

You don't talk like that with me.

No, wait!

No, no, wait, baby girl,

he's ruining our wedding.

Let's just get back to the nuptials.

We just heard condom advice

from an expimp.

I think we can survive

a few words from Norbit.

Deion is a fake. He's marrying you

just to get your money.

What?

Him and the Latimores.

They thought this whole scheme up.

He's been married four times in the

last six years to four different women,

and he cheated the women

out of $300,000 in divorce settlements.

Yeah, I heard all about it!

And something else.

They were gonna try to steal

the orphanage from you.

That's what this whole thing is about!

You crazy! He's got a big crush on you.

He's making this stuff up.

Oh, yeah? I'm crazy?

I'm making it all up?

Yes, you making it up.

Then what about this, then?

This evidence that I have.

Look at this!

This, well...

This used to, before it fell in the pond,

it had numbers

and there was information.

There was people's names

and dates and addresses

and all kinds of incriminating things.

I fell in the pond, but you can't read it.

But, boy, did I have your ass!

That's nice, Norbit. Really nice.

Did you write that yourself? Pathetic.

Kate, you have to believe me.

Yeah, yeah, believe him, Kate.

Remember the one that got you to sign

the papers to steal the orphanage?

Remember that?

Believe him. Go ahead.

I'm so sorry, Norbit.

I just don't trust you anymore.

Well, well, well, Norbit. You lose again.

Once a loser, always a loser, huh?

Now, come on! Let's go!

Yeah, I thought you'd feel

that way about it, Kate.

And that's why I took the liberty

of inviting some of

Deion's exwives down

so maybe they could tell you

for themselves.

Ladies!

Hello, Antoine.

I've been looking for you.

Daddy!

Antoine? He told me

his name was Luther!

Who is that ho?

He told me he was gay.

No, no, no. Y'all got me confused with

my gay twin brother, Antoine Luther.

You dead, gold digger!

Get your butt back here!

I'm out!

Looks like the wedding's off, bro.

Church!

God damn it, Norbit!

Oh, snap!

Get him!

Norbit!

Mother Mary! Jesus! Noah! Christ!

Good.

You going somewhere, Norbit?

You messed up, boy.

That's right.

Now you gonna pay. Big time!

Latimore! Keep your fakakta hands

off him!

Go back to your shop, Abe,

before I kill you, too!

Hey! You gonna have to kill me, as well!

Yeah, and me, too!

Rasputia!

How you doing?

I kick the sh*t out of you.

Mind your goddamn business.

Mind your business. Get out of here.

Move it.

No, you didn't!

Byebye.

Bring it, b*tches!

Oh, hell to the no.

Mrs. Henderson is tripping, huh?

Get your...

You crazy little old b*tch.

How you doing?

Get out of the way.

His ass is mine.

'Sputia? Rasputia?

You remember "till death do us part,"

don't you, Norbit?

No!

Whale, ho!

Did somebody just call me a whale?

Yeah, and a ho!

Bingo! Right in the blow hole!

Let's get some.

We dead.

Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t!

Norbit!

Are you all right?

All right? This is the best I've ever felt

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