North Page #4

running low on self-esteem.

After 35 years of statehood,

people still don't treat Hawaii

like we're part of the country.

Sure, there's a star

for us on the flag,

but why didn't anyone show up

during "hands across America"?

Not even a phone call.

It's just plain inconsiderate.

He's right.

People from the mainland

just don't care about Hawaii.

They come with their knobby

knees and pale kids,

eat our food, watch our whales,

say "aloha," like

they really mean it.

7 to 10 days later,

they drop us like a

sack of rancid poi.

We're supposed to feel

good about ourselves?

Excuse me. What's this

have to do with my crack?

Don't you see, north?

If you lived here in Hawaii,

people would be more

inclined to settle here.

So they can be close

to my crack?

North, north...

You're very important to us.

I don't know.

I need some time

to think, o.K.?

1, 2, 3, 4 Jacks!

Come on, guys!

Don't just stand there.

Get your butt in motion!

You might just like it!

And squat down, up and...

What is the point?

Gabby, what are you doing here?

They say for every hour

you exercise,

you add an hour to your life.

Who needs all that extra time

if you're just going

to spend it exercising?

See where I'm going?

Who's Gabby?

A ranch hand from Texas.

Not familiar

with the gentlemen.

So, how's it feel

to be Hawaii's new first son?

Well, I'm not so sure

that's what I want to be.

Why not?

Beautiful climate.

Can't beat the fashion.

Yeah, I know,

but I don't think I

should settle for parents

who have to show my

most private crevice

on a billboard to feel

better about themselves.

It's refreshing to meet a kid

who has such strong convictions

about his crack.

Whoa! Whoa.

Ah!

Dig, man.

The way I always

figured this deal is

parents are supposed to

make the kids feel better.

Not the other way around.

Yeah.

Hang in there, kid!

You'll find what

you're looking for.

I hope so.

Although he came up short

in both Texas and Hawaii,

north felt no anxiety,

as he still had eight weeks

till his labor day deadline.

Welcome to Juneau, Alaska.

Remain seated until the plane

comes to a complete stop

in Anchorage, Alaska.

To accompany our skid,

we'll be showing another

full-length feature film.

Our friend had a dream,

and that dream

is becoming a reality.

Meanwhile, as north

was skidding

his way to Anchorage,

things were heating up at home.

Winchell's

inspirational speeches

had created a groundswell,

and all across the land,

kids continued holding

their parents

at emotional gunpoint.

Anything else, son?

Yes. How's my room

coming along?

I'll have it spotless

by dinner.

Viva El norte.

And as of next Monday,

no parent will be permitted

to see an r-rated movie

unless accompanied by a kid.

Yeah, right.

Arthur, do I detect

a note of melancholy?

It's just that north still

hasn't found new parents.

Maybe he never will.

Maybe this free agency thing

will blow up in our face.

I'm surprised at you.

Do you think I'd embark

on an endeavor

of this magnitude

without a contingency plan?

Contingency plan?

Oh, good. I love those.

One Coca-Cola.

Right here.

And one sex-on-the-beach.

Aren't I naughty?

To our future.

What a future it is.

According to the latest polls,

parents are so nervous,

that 78% of them say

they'll vote however

their kids tell them to.

And since those kids

will do whatever

you tell them to...

Well, I, uh...

What I mean is...

That's right.

I'm lying here with the next

president of the United States.

I'm happy for you, Arthur.

I'm sure you'll make a

fine commander-in-chief.

Hey, dollface, could you

concentrate on my lower back?

That's where all

my tension builds up.

Flight 24 from Hawaii

by way of Juneau

is now arriving at gate seven.

Approach 119-90.

Hey, great landing, guys.

You've really got

that skid thing

down to a science.

Thanks for the

kind words, north.

We've dented a

terminal now and then,

but eventually you

get the hang of it.

Thanks.

North's first impression

of Alaska

was a positive one.

The air was clean,

it was breathtakingly

beautiful,

and, best of all,

it was far away from

everyone and everything.

There was nothing

to distract these people

from concentrating on life's

most precious commodity...

the love of a good family.

Morning!

Whoa ho!

Here you go, north.

A nice cup of hot cocoa.

And to go with that,

our state dish... eskimo pie.

Thank you.

Hey, what do you know?

The salmon are running.

I'm going to get poles

and go fishing with my boy.

Great! I love fishing.

This is the life, right, son?

Sure is.

You like Christmas, north?

Who doesn't?

You've never had a Christmas

till you've had

an Alaskan Christmas.

Since our days last

for months at a time,

you can imagine

the festivities.

Why, opening presents

takes three weeks alone.

Right, ma?

This all sounds great,

but what's the catch?

What do you mean?

I mean, what's in it for you?

Nothing.

Really?

No dead kids?

No low self-esteem?

No frozen skeletons

in your closet?

We have pride, north,

and we're proud of our pride.

We wouldn't ask anything

of a child.

We want you

to follow your dreams

and be the best north

you can be.

You'll be a source of pride

to the entire eskimo community

for many, many years to come.

Oh, jeepers creepers,

that reminds me.

Oh, dad, let's go!

Time to flow!

Coming!

Time to what?

Bundle up. It's a long walk.

Who's that?

North, this is

your new grandfather.

Hello, north.

Hello. What do you mean

"it's time to flow"?

When an eskimo gets

too old or weak

to contribute to society,

the whole family gets together

and walks to the ocean.

Then the revered old eskimo

is proudly placed

on an ice floe

and set out to sea

to die with dignity.

And pride.

All right, everybody, let's go.

But wait a minute.

Just because he's old

doesn't mean

he can't be part of the family.

Well, it's a tradition.

I promise you, north,

grandpa wants this as much

as anyone. Right, grandpa?

Yeah, right. I've been

looking forward to this.

As the family made

their long trek to the sea,

north took the opportunity

to get close to his

new grandpa,

which was easy,

since he had a tremendous

affection for old folks.

He found them warm,

understanding,

and, most importantly,

way too tired to yell.

Knowing his time

with grandpa was limited,

north tried to take in

all this wise old man

had to offer

about life in the tundra.

And another thing. Up here,

if your mother says

"don't make a face

because it could freeze

in the position,"

you better take her seriously.

Can't you hang around

a little longer?

There's so much

you can teach me.

Next!

Goodbye.

Yeah, o.K. O.K.

Goodbye, goodbye,

goodbye, goodbye.

Let's go. I only got

four months of sunlight.

Next. Let's go!

Come on. Come on.

Should've done this before.

I've got a civilization

to run here.

Move along.

Next!

Don't act like you don't

know what's going on.

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