Not Another Teen Movie Page #3

...but I know when my girl's

got something on her mind.

Well, there is this popular boy,

Jake.

Oh, sweetie.

Jake knocked you up, didn't he?

No, he asked me out.

Do you like him?

Are you attracted to him?

I mean, would you give him head?

He is kind of cute, but...

...he's always been a total jerk.

It's weird that he's

talking to me now.

Especially after you've packed on a

couple of pounds.

What do you think I should do?

Look, sweetie.

I never want you to do anything

that compromises who you are...

...because you're very,

very special to me.

If Jake is only asking you out

to get into your pants...

...well, then I'd say...

...go out with him.

You could certainly use

the popularity points.

And if Jake likes you...

...then maybe those kids'll quit

throwing bags of sh*t on the porch.

I feel better.

Thanks for the advice, Daddy.

That's what I'm here for,

pumpkin-tits.

- I need to ask you a favor.

- It's about time.

No, not that.

You're the cruelest girl

in high school.

You're the only one who can help

trick Janey into liking me.

That girl with the glasses

and the ponytail?

Don't forget the

paint-covered overalls.

Well...

...it's going to be difficult.

But I think I can help you.

Sit.

For a price.

And this time,

I don't want your car.

I want you.

Catherine, that's disgusting.

You're my sister.

Only by blood.

- What is wrong with this family?

- Hey, do you want my help or not?

There are three things

you need to do...

...to have Janey

eating out of your hand.

First, you earn her trust.

Come on, leave him alone!

Hey! Come on, guys, back off.

That's enough, okay?

You little sh*t.

Don't you guys mess with him again.

Once you've got her trust,

it's time to make her feel special.

Pick a song with hername in it.

That always works.

She's got a gun!

Janey's got a gun!

Take it easy, miss.

- Wait.

- Get back here!

Hold her down.

Give me your hand!

Just give us the gun, Janey.

Afteryou've made her feel special...

...it's time to put the icing

on the cake.

I'm really glad you showed up, Janey.

The only reason I came here

was to tell you to leave me alone.

You know, I was just making a snack.

You want one?

No. Listen, Jake--

I'll be right back.

Hungry?

I don't like sundaes.

It's not a sundae,

it's a banana split.

I don't like those, either.

Goodbye, Jake.

I left some money

on the kitchen counter.

Emergency numbers are by the phone.

And remember, son:

No parties.

I know, Dad.

Keg coming through.

Hey.

What's up, man?

We're trusting you, Preston.

- Where do you want the speakers?

- In the dining room.

You guys should hit the road.

I'm taking your Ferrari

to buy hookers.

We'll call you later to check in.

I'll be so high,

I won't know where the phone is.

That's my boy.

Jake, what are you doing here?

I'm taking you to Preston's big party.

I can't.

I'm not dressed to go to a party.

I'm a complete mess.

I'd say you're one big f***ing

train wreck.

Do I know you?

That's it. I've got it.

What?

It might seem crazy,

but you'll have to trust me.

That's it.

I did it. I'm a miracle-worker.

Gentlemen...

...may I present to you

the new and improved...

...Janey Briggs.

Congratulations. You just got

your first slow-motion entrance.

I'm okay!

Janey?

Come on out of there, honey.

Quit farting around.

- Got your mom's car keys?

- Check.

- Sleeping bags.

- Check.

- Condoms.

- Check.

Three pubescent libidos to take us

on a series of wild adventures.

Check! Road trip!

We here.

Gentlemen, tonight we go to our

first high-school party.

This is the place to buzz the Brillo.

How you plan on buzzing Brillo?

With this letter.

Amanda Becker will know the truth:

I've loved her since I first saw her.

Welcome to the party.

If you're going to have sex,

do it in my parents' bedroom.

- Does she go to our school?

- It's not even the same person.

Janey-stainey-stained-pants-overalls?

How did you talk me into this?

Priscilla's freaking out

now that Janey's lost her ponytail.

I'm going to go

f*** a complete stranger.

Hey, I'm a complete stranger.

Relax, all right?

It's going to be okay.

Nice turtleneck.

What's your name?

I'm Sandy Sue.

Limp-dick fag f***er!

Who told you that?

Alison?

Alison was bitter when we broke up.

- Completely fake.

- Yeah, that's not her real hair color.

- She's wearing the same outfit as me.

- It looks much better on you.

Where is she?

I thought she'd be here by now.

What's going on?

We can't talk

until she starts moving again.

She took forever this time.

What are you doing here?

What do you mean?

I'm supposed to be the only black guy

at this party.

- Damn. Sh*t.

- Yeah, I know.

It's whack.

My bad, man.

- Take this.

- Thanks.

Do your thing.

- Peace out, brother.

- Honest mistake.

Hi, my name is Catherine.

Yeah, I know.

We just had sex five minutes ago.

Not scoring any cock, either?

Cock? I've never even been kissed.

What up, my yellow brothers?

Chinks in the house!

Reggie Ray, have you

seen Janey anywhere?

It's a good night for smoking.

Ain't that right, Sausage?

Okay, now close your eyes

and wet your lips.

- Are you for real?

- Do you want to learn or not?

I guess.

- See? That wasn't so scary.

- It was nothing.

Okay.

Let's try again.

Only this time, I'm gonna

stick my tongue in your mouth.

And when I do that, I want you

to massage my tongue with yours.

- And that's what first base is.

- Okay.

Eyes closed.

That was cool.

Now...

...have you ever eaten p*ssy before?

You call this a party?!

I'm a golden goddess!

- Show us how drunk you are!

- Go for it!

You're a unique rebel, Janey!

Janey, are you all right?

- I told you not to let me drink.

- I gave you a nonalcoholic beer.

What the hell are you doing here?

I was invited.

Look, you may have lost those glasses

and that ponytail thing...

...but you're still a loser.

Look at that. Oh, my God.

That's going to stain.

You're not going to cry now, are you?

Look, you can't just start

a slow clap at any old time.

- You gotta wait for the right moment.

- When is it the right moment?

You'll know.

Nobody's allowed down here.

Janey, I just thought--

How did you get in here?

I deadbolted the door.

There's a hole in the side

of your house.

Who's that?

- It's my mother.

- You have her eyes.

She died when I was 6.

I'm sorry.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

Christmas, 1989. Dad had been

fired from the zipper factory.

Mom was pulling in tricks

to make ends meet.

Daniel Day-Lewis won an Oscar

for My Left Foot.

And all I wanted was

a little Betsy Wetsy doll.

I remember those. Push her belly,

she'd piss all over herself.

She said she was going out

to get my dad a bottle of gin...

...but I knew she was going

to get me that present.

It was raining really hard

that night...

...and the roads were slippery.

Oh, God, Janey.

A car accident.

No. Cancer.

I had to take on

all of her responsibilities:

Cooking and cleaning and

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