Nothing Page #3

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that we ran out of food?

- And yet the light

continues to illuminate

the vast expanse of emptiness

to the north.

- Tell them how we haven't

eaten anything for 12 hours!

- Hang on a second.

It also continues to illuminate

the vast expanse of emptiness,

the nothing, if you will,

to the south.

And also the nothingness

to the east

and west.

- Tell them how we have nothing

to mark a trail with.

- Andrew, please.

The air quality seems stable

and yet air pressure

seems non-existent.

It is neither hot nor cold.

- Tell them how if we keep going,

we're going lose the trail,

get lost, and die!

- Shut up!

We're able to walk without falling

through into more nothing.

But the surface itself

is also nothing.

- Yes! Nothing!

They get it! There's nothing!

There's nothing out here,

and there's nothing to say!

- Idiot!

That's our legacy!

[Recorder playing back]

Ugh!

- Whoa!

Ahh!

- Waaah!

- Wooo!

- Ahhh!

- Woo!

- Woo!

- Woo!

- Ahh!

- Ugh!

- Woo-hoo!

[Laughing]

- Where's the trail?

- Huh?

- The trail!

Where's... where's the trail?!

We're dead. It's over.

- Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t!

I knew you'd be a liability.

I know, I know, you came up

with the whole trail-idea thing.

But now because of you,

we can't find it!

OK, it's gotta be

around here somewhere.

I'm gonna do a 360-degree search

using you as my point

of reference, OK?

So you can't move!

Think you can handle that?

Just don't move!

[Sproing!]

[Andrew mumbling]

Hey! Look what I found!

Andrew?

Andrew?

Andrew!

Andrew?

Andrew!

Andrew!

Andrew!

Andrew!

Andrew!

Andrew!

Andrew!

Andrew!

Andrew!

- Hey.

I just saw a candy bar.

- A what?

- Candy bar!

- We didn't bring any candy bars.

- There. Candy bar.

- I don't believe it!

That's no candy bar, buddy!

That's a dwelling of some sort!

You did it! You saved us!

[Both yelling]

- Candy bar!

Candy bar! Candy bar!

Candy bar! Candy bar!

Candy bar! Candy bar!

Candy bar! Candy bar!

Candy bar! Candy bar!

Candy bar! Candy bar!

Candy bar! Candy bar!

Candy bar! Candy bar!

Candy bar! Candy bar!

Candy bar! Candy bar!

You're right!

It is a dwelling of some sort!

- Maybe there's someone there.

- Maybe they know

what's going on.

- Maybe they have food!

- What if there is someone

there, and they do have food,

but they won't give us any?

- Why wouldn't they?

- Would you?

The world disappears,

you're the only ones left,

two complete strangers

wearing nothing but underwear

and a samurai sword

coming knocking on your door

looking for food

that you desperately need

to survive?

You'll just open the door

and let them in?

- F*** that!

We got trouble.

- Think they can see us?

- Get down!

They could be friendly.

- Maybe.

- A relief in the knowledge

that someone else is alive.

They could be grateful.

We'll go up, knock on the door,

register the situation, check it out.

At the first sign of trouble,

first sign, no mercy.

You understand what I'm saying?

- Yeah.

- So say it.

- No mercy.

- You sound like a Frenchman!

Say it like you mean it!

- No mercy!

- Argh!

You ever killed a man?

- What?! No! Have you?

- Oh yeah.

- You have?

- In here, plenty of times.

I'm saying you got

to be mentally prepared,

because it might

get bloody in there.

- Bloody?

- Yeah, bloody.

Now say something funny.

- What?

- You say something funny,

I laugh, you laugh,

and we look like two guys out for

a stroll around the neighbourhood.

Not two guys ready to take

another human's life

without a moment's hesitation.

- That looks like our house.

- Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ho! Ho! Ho!

That's funny!

Oh yeah! Ha! Ha!

- No! It really does

look like our house!

- You're right.

- We've walked

in a complete circle!

- We're home?

[Both]:
Home!

- Wait!

- What?

- What if someone's in there?

- Oh my God! You're right!

- We've been gone

for almost 2 days.

We left a note on the door

saying, "Make yourself at home."

What if someone came in

and did just that?

- Made themselves at home?

- Yes!

- They'd still be in there.

- Waiting for us!

- The bastards!

They know we're coming back,

but they don't know when.

We have the element of surprise.

- And they don't know that

we know that they're in there!

- I'm gonna go around.

Wait for my signal

and charge in from the back.

I'll come in the front.

They won't know what hit 'em!

- Great!

- Andrew!

Whatever you do,

don't fall asleep.

- Wait!

- What?

- What's the signal?

- Don't worry.

You'll know.

Andrew!

Go around the back!

- Arrgh!

Arrgh!

- Easy, buddy. Easy.

It's all clear.

- Are you sure?

- Sure I'm sure.

- Oh, thank God.

What the...?

Oh God!

No!

- Oh, Andrew!

- Ah!

- Andrew!

Go around the back!

- Arrgh!

Arrgh!

- Easy, buddy. Easy.

It's all clear.

- Are you sure?

- Sure I'm sure.

- Like hell it is.

- Ugh!

- Kill me.

- Ahh!

Ahh!

- Arrgh!

- Arrgh!

- Who the f*** are you?

- Who the f*** are you?

- Name?

- Andrew!

What's my favourite colour?

- Blue!

- Colour blind! Don't have one!

Maybe we slipped

into another dimension?

- There has to be

something to eat!

- Like through a... portal.

Or something.

- There's nothing to eat!

- Space-time continuum.

- Where's the food?!

- A black hole! Or a red dwarf!

Time warp!

Maybe we fell

into some kind of time warp.

That's it! Yes! Maybe that's it!

We were abducted by aliens!

[Dave muttering]

And they've taken us

back to their planet

and put us in some kind of zoo.

With a sign that says,

"Don't feed the humans."

Which is crazy,

because we'll die,

and who's gonna want to go to

the zoo to see two dead humans?

Unless they're gonna eat us.

But why wouldn't they want

to fatten us up

before the slaughter?

Unless they are feeding us!

And we just don't know it!

Or they're not feeding us,

and they're just waiting

and watching to see how

we'll react to what they'll do!

[Dave muttering]

What are you doing?

- I'm making a trap!

- For what?!

- The food!

The food, you idiot! The food!

- Oh my God, we're gonna die.

- For once, I don't think

you're overreacting.

- For as long as I can remember

I've been afraid of going outside.

And now it's not there,

but I won't be around

to enjoy it not being there.

- No kidding.

It would be so amazing.

No traffic, no work.

- No telephone solicitors.

No taxes.

- No responsibilities.

- No people.

- No nothing.

- But cable.

- Yeah, cable.

And video games.

- Yeah.

Too bad we're gonna die.

[Clock ticking louder]

- It's back!

The disappearing thing's back!

Get down!

- What?

- The clock!

It disappeared! Get down!

- I did it.

- What?

- I made the clock disappear.

- You didn't.

The disappearing thing did.

- No. No, it was me. I did this.

It's my fault.

This whole thing is my fault!

- What are you talking about?

- I was sitting there,

listening to the clock counting down

the final minutes to our death.

I was thinking how much I hated it.

And then it disappeared.

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