Nothing But Trouble Page #4

THERE'S NOTHING BETTER

AT THE END OF A LONG DAY

ON THE ROAD:

THAN NICE WARM GLASS

OF HAWAIIAN PUNCH.

HERE'S TO GOOD FRIENDS.

DOES HE TREA ALL TRAFFIC VIOLATORS

THIS GRACIOUSLY?

ONLY THE ONES HE TAKES

SPECIAL INTEREST IN,

LIKE BANKERS.

ANTS ON A LOG, MA'AM?

UH...

MM-HMM.

YEAH, I'D...

LOVE ONE.

COUSIN?

OH, ANTS.

OH, YEAH, SURE.

[HEAVY FOOTSTEPS]

OH.

FOLKS.

I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE

MY GRANDDAUGHTER ELDONA,

SHE'S SINGLE

AND THE BEST CLASS "A"

MECHANIC IN 5 STATES.

SHE'S ADORABLE, JUDGE.

SHE'D MAKE

AN IDEAL WIFE, TOO.

GENUINE WAGE-EARNER,

STRUCK DUMB AT BIRTH

BY A THUNDERCLAP.

MY KIND OF WOMAN.

I THINK THE TWO OF YOU

WOULD MAKE A PERFECT COUPLE.

HMM.

YOU LOOK PRETTY:

THIS EVENING, SISTER.

DOING SOMETHING DIFFEREN WITH YOUR HAIR?

[GIGGLES SHYLY]

ELDONA, WOULD YOU

PLEASE PREPARE THE MEAL?

THANK YOU, DEAR.

HMM.

WANT TO SEE:

THE WINE LIST?

YOUNG MAN!

IT IS BASIC:

HUMAN POLITENESS

TO SHARE YOUR CONVERSATION

WITH THE WHOLE TABLE.

SO WHAT'S ON YOUR BRAIN?

ALVIN,

I WAS JUST THINKING

YOU'VE GOT ENOUGH

VINTAGE STEEL:

TO MAKE A FEW:

THOUSAND TOYOTAS.

EVER THINK OF SELLING

THE WHOLE PLACE:

TO THE JAPANESE?

THERE YOU GO!

DOES THE POPE WEAR A HAT?

WAS SERGEANT YORK'S MOTHER

AN ANGEL?

AND WILL A BANKER

GROPE FOR MONEY?

I'M NOT A BANKER. I'M

A FINANCIAL PUBLISHER.

ALL I KNOW IS IN '17

AFTER THEY SHIPPED ME

OFF TO FIGHT,

SOME NEW YORK FINANCIER

ROLLED IN HERE ONE DAY

AND HOGLOWDERED AND

TUBWANGLED MY GRANDFATHER

INTO MINING:

THE WHOLE PLACE OU IN EXCHANGE FOR SHARES

IN SOMETHING CALLED

THE UNITED COKE COMPANY.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THOSE

STOCK CERTIFICATES

ARE WORTH TODAY?

JUST ABOUT THE FINES OUTHOUSE WALLPAPER

YOU'VE EVER SEEN!

WE WERE FORCED TO BECOME

WHAT YOU:

DROVE THROUGH TODAY,

A BURNT-OUT COAL FIELD,

THE BIGGES ICEBOX GRAVEYARD

EAST OF THE OHIO

FOUNDRY BELT.

AND THAT'S WHY I NEVER

LET A BANKER GO.

SO YOUR GRANDPA:

MADE A LOUSY DEAL.

IS THAT OUR PROBLEM?

JUDGE, THAT'S A VERY

TRAGIC, TRAGIC STORY.

I BELIEVE IT IS.

YOU SHOULD:

DO A BOOK.

HOW DO YOU LIKE:

YOUR DOG, FOLKS?

THEY'RE SERVING DOG?

OH, NO, NO.

HOT DOGS--

DUTCH COUNTRY HEREFORDS,

PRIZE-WINNERS.

HOT DOG.

STADIUM FRANKS,

LIKE THEY HAD:

BEFORE THEY BROUGHT IN

NIGHT GAMES.

HMM?

OK. LET'S EAT.

[WOO WOO]

[WABASH CANNONBALL PLAYS]

%% FROM THE GREA ATLANTIC OCEAN %%

%% TO THE WHITE

PACIFIC SHORES %%

%% FROM THE BIG 'OL

TOY MOUNTAIN %%

%% TO THE COW TOWNS

ON THE SHORES-- %%

HERE'S HOW I LIKE 'EM,

AND I SUGGEST YOU HAVE 'EM

THE SAME WAY.

GO AHEAD, THERE, FOLKS.

FIX YOURSELF UP:

A COUPLE OF DOGS.

%% LISTEN TO THE JINGLES %%

%% THE RUMBLES,

AND THE ROARS %%

%% AS YOU GLIDE ALONG

WITH THE OLD BANJO %%

%% HEAR THE MIGHTY RUSH

OF THE ENGINES %%

%% HEAR THE LONESOME

HOBO'S SONG %%

%% AS IT RAMBLES

ACROSS THE COUNTRY %%

%% ON THAT WABASH

CANNONBALL %%

%% GET ABOARD... %%

[MUSIC STOPS]

[EXPLOSION]

[CREAKING]

WHA...

WHAT WAS THAT?

JUST A MINE FIRE...

BURNIN' SINCE 1926.

NOTHING THAT WILL CAUSE US

TO INTERRUPT OUR MEAL.

HE HOPES.

COME ON NOW!

MIX UP THEM CONDIMENTS

THE WAY I DO!

%% LISTEN TO THE JINGLES %%

%% THE RUMBLES,

AND THE ROARS %%

%% AS YOU GLIDE ALONG

WITH THE OLD BANJO %%

%% HEAR THE MIGHTY RUSH

OF THE ENGINES-- %%

THAT'S ENOUGH.

I'M GOING TO FLIP OUT.

GET ME BEHIND ME, BABY.

YOU PEOPLE ARE:

SICK, WICKED,

FUNKY, MISANTHROPIC,

CODEPENDENT ANIMALS!

I WON'T HAVE MY SISTER,

WHO WAS ONCE THE QUEEN

OF THE MARDI GRAS,

SITTING AT A TABLE

WITH A PICKLE-SHOOTING

TRAIN!

HE'S RIGHT.

WE GOT TO GO.

AY!

FINE.

COME ON, BABY.

PRISCILLA, PUT THAT UP.

USE THE DOGS.

RUN!

RUN!

[GRUNTS]

TAKE YOUR HAND:

OFF HER!

OH!

THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.

ELDONA, IF YOU WOULD

PLEASE SHOW THEM

TO THEIR ROOM.

OW!

EASY.

WHERE DO YOU:

WORK OUT?

UGH!

THOSE PEOPLE:

HAVE NO DIGNITY!

FAUSTO,

YOU WERE A HERO!

OH, FAUSTO, AND THEY

HAD SUCH UGLY, UGLY FOOD!

OH, FAUSTO,

WHAT IS THAT SMELL?

IT SMELLS:

LIKE SAO PAULO.

TOXICS!

TOXICS!

WE'VE GOT TO SWIM

THROUGH THAT.

OH, NO! FAUSTO, YOU'RE

NOT GOING TO MAKE ME

SWIM THROUGH TOXICS.

I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!

WE'VE GOT TO GE TO THE FREEWAY!

WE'VE GOT TO GE TO THE FREEWAY.

I DON'T DESERVE THIS.

CLOSE YOUR MOUTH.

OK.

OH, LET ME GO!

AAH!

AAH!

[GAGGING]

[GASPING]

FAUSTO!

COME ON.

COME ON.

[ALARM BLARING]

[WOOF]

[WOOF]

[WOOF]

YOU HAVEN'T GO THE CORRECT TIME, HAVE YOU?

MY WATCH IS SLOW.

OOH!

HMM!

LET ME SEE IF I CAN

GET A FIRE STARTED.

FAUSTO, WE DID IT.

WE DID IT!

WE DID IT, MAN!

WE DID IT!

CARLO ROSSI:

TO THE BAHAMAS, MAN.

WE'RE GOING

TO THE BAHAMAS!

HAVING A NICE TIME.

iAY! LET'S FIND A ROAD.

WE HITCHHIKE TO A TRUCK.

OK, WE HITCHHIKE.

THAT IS COMPLETELY...

CONGRATULATIONS, FOLKS.

YOU MADE I ACROSS OUR GULLY.

YOU SHOULD:

GET A PRIZE.

PLEASE, LET US GO.

LET OUR FRIENDS GO.

WE'RE RICH.

WE'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING.

SOLVENT.

LIQUID.

RICH.

WHAT AM I GONNA:

DO WITH MONEY?

ALL I DO IS WORK

FOR THE REEVE SINCE I WAS 8.

I GOT FREE:

ROOM AND BOARD.

ONLY YOU HAVE:

THE POWER TO HELP US.

[WHIMPERS]

DUDE, IT LOOKS

LIKE YOU NEED:

A NICE COUPLE OF

WEEKS HOLIDAY,

YOU KNOW?

NICE.

TIME OFF:

FROM YOUR JOB.

YOU PEELED:

THE CORRECT BANANA THERE.

LEISURE TIME.

KICK BACK.

NICE.

FISH TACOS.

[WOOF WOOF]

QUICK, HIDE.

COME ON.

IT'S MY COUSIN,

THE ORIGINAL:

ALL-PURPOSE DITCH-WITCH.

HIDE. GET DOWN.

ALL THIS IS:

ABOUT SOME HUSTLER

WHO DUMPED ON YOU,

RIGHT?

ISN'T IT?

WELL, WHAT ABOUT SUNTZ?

REALLY.

WHAT WERE YOU PLANNING

ON DOING:

WHEN YOU GOT DOWN

TO ATLANTIC CITY

AND CONFRONTED HIM?

SLAP HIS FACE IN FRON OF A ROOMFUL OF INVESTORS?

THAT'S A HELL OF A WAY

TO BREAK UP WITH A GUY.

SO YOU PICKED:

THE WRONG GUY.

HAPPENS TO:

THE BEST OF US.

I'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS.

YOU KNOW, WHEN

IT COMES TO LOVE,

THERE'S NO ACCOUNTING

FOR TASTE.

HELL, I USED

TO BE MARRIED:

TO IMELDA MARCOS.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO PU YOURSELF THROUGH THIS.

A GUY LIKE THAT'S GONNA

BURY HIMSELF ANYWAY.

HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU.

YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR HIM.

I'M JUST SUCH A JERK.

I MEAN, WHY DO I ALWAYS

PICK THE WRONG GUY?

I MEAN, I'M...

I'M SO TRUSTING...

AND SO GULLIBLE.

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW

WHY I'M SUCH A PUSHOVER.

I MEAN, I'M SUCH A SUCKER.

MMM.

MMM.

I JUST LOVE:

A PRETTY FACE.

OH.

OH, IT'S SO...

OH, IT'S SO

EMBARRASSING.

OH!

OOH!

I BETTER LIE DOWN.

OH, YOU'RE

NOTHING BUT TROUBLE.

OOH!

[TICKING]

[CHIMING]

[CUCKOO CUCKOO]

[CLOCK CHIMES]

[BUGLE CALL PLAYS]

WHAT THE HELL:

ARE YOU DOING?

THAT WASN'T ME.

THAT WAS THE BED.

[LOCK CLICKS]

[SQUEAKING]

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

[DOOR BANGS]

OH.

UP HERE.

COME ON.

[DOOR SQUEAKS]

IN THIS ROOM!

THIS WAY.

THERE'S GO TO BE A WAY OUT.

OVER HERE.

[CRYING]

MUST BE THE NURSERY.

BAT ROOM.

OH, GUANO.

"MARJORIE VALKENHEISER.

SHE FORGOT TO DUCK."

JESUS, IT'S MOVING!

OH! AAH!

OH, OH!

NO! OH, NO!

NO!

OH, NO! NO!

AAH!

OH, JESUS.

WE GOT TO:

GET OUT OF HERE.

HOW FAR:

DOES THIS GO?

ALL THE WAY UP--

OOH!

TO HERE.

ARE YOU:

ALL RIGHT?

IT'S A BLIND

STAIRCASE.

MAYBE I CAN--OH.

WAIT.

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