Nothing Sacred Page #4

the alcohol.

Suck 'em right down.

Settle your stomach.

Go on. I got a whole dozen.

Is this the way drunks feel?

Hazel, you got what is known

in medicine as a hangover.

I've got something worse than that.

I've got a conscience.

Keep on sucking that egg, and

your conscience will go away.

I'm ruining him.

Let me have your pulse, Hazel.

Don't jiggle me. My pulse is all right.

I'm as healthy as an ox. Oh!

Well, stop groaning then!

You old fraud, you know

what I'm groaning about!

Oh, I wish, I wish I had radium

poisoning or something awful.

Then... then I wouldn't ruin him.

Who is this you're ruining, Hazel?

- Wallace. Mr. Cook.

- Oh, him. Have another egg.

Enoch, listen. He thinks I've helped

him become a great journalist

and they're gonna give him a bonus.

Mr. Stone is a bonus.

It's coming out of the

$10,000 they owe me.

If I'm not complaining,

why should he worry?

He thinks I've helped him. Helped him.

And it makes him feel bad.

Oh, I can't stand it.

You know what'll happen when they find out

I'm a horrible, good-for-nothing fake?

They'll blame him. Everybody! They'll

just burn down the newspaper.

And the Mayor, he'll have Wally lynched.

You just wait and see.

Oh, Enoch. Why did you

let me come to New York?

If you were only as

honest as you look.

Mr. Cook is here to see Miss Flagg.

Do you feel able to speak to him?

All right, tell him to wait.

- Tell him to come in!

- Come in!

- Hello. Hello, Hazel.

- Hello.

Hello, doctor.

It, uh, it won't hurt

her if I visit a while?

She's doing very well

for her last few weeks.

Gee, I'm glad to hear that, Hazel.

I was, uh... we were worried.

Excuse me.

I wouldn't have disturbed you, but,

uh, I'm going away and I thought...

- I might not see you again until...

- You're going away where?

Oh, just to Albany.

- What for?

- Just to see the governor.

Wallace, what are you doing

in Albany with the governor?

Now, Hazel, you mustn't

get overwrought.

Well, if it's about me,

I must know about it.

It's, uh, about the

arrangements, Hazel.

What arrangements?

For the funeral.

What funeral?

Yours.

Oh.

Have I... Have I shocked you?

Oh no, oh no. Everybody has

to have a funeral sometime.

Well, but not like

yours, darling.

Gee, I meant to keep

it as a surprise.

Oh, it's better this way, your telling

me in advance so I can get used to it.

Oh, I hope it's gonna be a little funeral.

Oh, I'm afraid that's way

way impossible, Hazel.

According to the present registration,

there'll be about 30,000 automobiles

and a considerable group on foot.

About half a million, I think.

- Oh, my.

- That's not half enough to mourn for you.

Oliver thought we could get the

President, but, uh, he's still fishing.

I arranged to have the Symphony

orchestra there instead.

Well, if it's all arranged,

why are you going to Albany?

Well, uh, I had an idea this morning.

I'm getting the governor to declare a

public holiday for the, uh, occasion.

Oh, like St. Valentine's Day?

I'm glad I told you.

Hazel, I want you to know now and

always. I think you're magnificent.

Oh please, please, don't say that.

Do you have to go away?

Oh, I'll be back by night.

And I've got another surprise for

you, but I-I'll not tell you now.

But I've got to hear it.

- Well, I promised you I wouldn't do this.

- You wouldn't do what?

Call in any other doctor.

Hazel, I know you have great faith in

Enoch. But I've broken my promise.

Dr. Emil Egelhofer is arriving on the

Rex this afternoon. He's from Vienna.

- And I'm bringing him to see you.

- What for?

Hazel, he is the greatest expert

on radium poisoning in the world.

I know it's incurable, but when I heard

he was on the Rex I radioed him.

There's... there's always an outside

chance. You know, just one in a million.

I'm sorry, I... I've got to run

to get the 10 o'clock plane.

Hazel, I-I know it's a long shot, but...

we can hope, hm?

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Pardon me.

- The little children are here, Hazel.

- What little children?

- They've come to sing for you.

- Enoch, this is the end.

Don't ask any questions,

just listen to me. We're caught.

Dr. Egelhofer's coming here

tonight to expose me and Wally.

You've got nothing to fear from any

doctor who comes snoopin' around here.

Better have another egg.

There's only one way out. There's only

one way to save you and me and Wally.

I've got to commit suicide in advance

before that scientist gets to me.

- I... I've got to be drowned.

- Awww, suck this egg, I tell you.

- Oh, shut up!

I'll leave a note to the

city thanking everybody.

You get rid of the news for the evening,

and then I'll jump into the river.

Somebody's bound to see me jumping, and you'll

be waiting in a rowboat to fish me out.

And I'll swim underwater,

and I'll change my name

and hide away for the rest of my

life and never, never see him again.

And they'll hold the

funeral without me.

Hello, honey. This is Ernest.

Honey, what kinda

flowers do you like?

Huh?

Don't worry, honey, they

all the same price.

I'm gettin' them wholesale.

Be right up, honey.

Hello. Get me the Morning Star. Quick.

Who committed suicide?

Read it to me.

Dear New York City, Goodbye.

Remember me as someone

you made very happy.

I have enjoyed everything.

There's only one thing left to enjoy.

Your river - that smiled

outside of my window.

It is easy to die when the

heart is full of gratitude.

Hazel Flagg.

Hello, Oliver. Well, we get our holiday.

The governor has agreed to...

Shut up.

Jumpin' H. Sebastian.

She's double-crossed us.

- Who has?

- Miss Flagg.

- She's gone over to some other paper?

- She's gone into the river.

Listen, you weasel-brain. What

are you trying to tell me?

Hazel Flagg has committed suicide.

I don't believe it.

Ernest, your Sultan, has

found her suicide note.

He saw her leave the

hotel five minutes ago.

Give me the Mayor at once.

Get the governor. Tell him we

want that holiday tomorrow.

You're a fine pair of gravediggers.

You and the governor both.

Hello, hello, Mayor? This is

Wallace Cook of the Star calling...

One... two... three...

Enoch!

Enoch!

Okay, Hazel, okay!

One...

- Two...

- Hazel!

Stop!

Stop!

Stop!

You freakin' fool! What the

devil's the matter with you?

What are you trying to do?

- Wally! Wally! Are you all right?

- Sure! I'm all right!

But I... But I can't swim.

- Wally!

- Give me your hand!

That's a fine, sweet

trick you tried to play.

- Well, why didn't you stay in Albany?

- Jumping off a pier like some hothead.

- I didn't jump, I was pushed!

- Scaring everybody out of their wits...

Stop hollering. I'm-I'm nervous.

Listen, either you give me your word

of honor you won't try that again.

Or I'll spank your little...

Wallace, don't you think you oughta

notify them that you've located me?

You know, it seems unfair to

have 'em dragging the river!

Oh, the fresh air will do 'em good.

Come on, I wanna talk to you.

What...?

This is as good a place as any.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes