Nothing Sacred Page #5

Get in!

Oh, it's awfully cozy, isn't it?

Are you still mad at me?

I'm mad at myself.

Drooling away to you about the funeral...

That's what drove you to it!

To be really frank with you,

Wallace, it wasn't that at all.

Oh, darling, I'd love to sit in here

with you for the rest of my life.

Hazel?

Will you marry me?

- What?

- You heard me. Will you marry me?

- Oh, Wally...

- Come on, answer me.

But darling, there's

no future in it.

Now, don't talk like a half-wit.

I don't care about the future.

Oh, Wally, if things

were normal I'd...

Oh, Wally, I... I mustn't.

Don't ask me.

Please, just kiss me once more and let

it go at that without ruining your life.

So what the devil is there

better to life than we've got?

A handful of perfect hours. That's

all the luckiest ever get out of it.

Just a handful of hours

to save and remember.

And then... I'll be there at the end,

sailor. I'll be there waving you goodbye.

It'll be the same as if you

and I had lived forever.

And you'll... you'll

grow old in my heart.

Okay, Skipper.

You seen anyting of a young

lady what yumped in the river?

Yeah. She's... she's right here.

All right. Yim, get the bullmotor.

Oh, never mind the bullmotor.

Now, her breathing's fine.

- Just... drive us to her hotel, will you?

- Sure. Yump in.

Yumpin' Yiminy.

- Oh. Oh, thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Ehh... You're welcome.

- Now...

Looks as if I finally get

my ride on a fire engine.

- Yeah.

- Yumpin' Yiminy.

- Uh, Yim?

- Yim.

Okay, Yim!

Gotta go down and bat out the story.

Oliver's having a cat fit.

You know, I've been

misjudging him.

When I told him you were safe and sound, he

choked up and couldn't talk for a minute.

- Oh yes, he's very sweet.

- Yeah.

Well, I'll... I'll see

you in the morning.

Have a good sleep. Good night.

Yes, it's a big fire. Oh, if

you ever hate me, remember

this... and this... and this...

and this and...

The biggest fire since Rome!

Well, well, well. Hello, Hazel.

Come in.

I was wondering

whatever become of you.

Enoch, who is that man?

Enoch, who is that man?

Oh, he's just a stranger from Europe

who dropped in for a little chat.

We've been discussing medicine,

pro and con. Oh, excuse me.

I want to introduce

you to Hazel Flagg.

Mister, uh... What did

you same your name was?

Egelhofer. Dr. Emil Egelhofer.

Dr. Awfulegger...

Seems to me I've heard of

you somewhere, doctor.

Oh, Enoch... Enoch,

sit down now.

I received a radio on the ship

from the Morning Star, Miss Flagg,

Which excited my professional

as well as humane interests.

And I called on you at once.

Aaah, that must be my colleagues.

Come right in, gentlemen.

This is the young lady,

Miss Hazel Flagg.

Dr. Oswald Vunch of Prague.

Dr. Felix Maratchovsky of Moscow.

Dr. Friedrich Kirchenweisser of Berlin.

All the darkeys am a weeping

Massa's in the cold, cold ground...

There is no vestige, no

trace, no single symptom

Of radium poising in this

young woman, Mr. Stone.

We had some trouble with that

horse doctor from Vermont

But we took the

X-rays regardless.

Are you sure you examined

the right woman

And not some... some impostor?

Oh, ho-ho. The only impostor in this case,

Mr. Stone, is this young woman we examined.

The young woman who is

known as Hazel Flagg.

Here's the full report of this examination.

Here's the X-ray pictures

showing the entire skeleton of this

young woman known as Hazel Flagg.

And here, Mr. Stone, is my bill.

Um, um... our bill.

And I will assure you,

not me or my colleagues

will say one single word

of this to the newspapers.

Goodbye. You have nothing more

to worry about, Mr. Stone.

Your troubles are over.

Send me up four sluggers from

the Circulation Department.

Got a bulletin and new lead

for you on Hazel Flagg

that's going to wreathe that sourpuss

of yours into a nosegay of smiles.

Now sit tight and

tuck in your ears.

Miss Flagg is getting

married tonight.

And wish me luck,

old weasel-brain.

Aw, listen, I know

it sounds hysterical

marrying somebody with

a few weeks to live.

Like honeymooning with a

hearse at the front door.

But, Oliver, it's on the square.

What's the matter with you?

Listen, I want you to be best man...

Are you stewed or something?

I came in for congratulations.

What's up? What's eating you?

I am sitting here, Mr. Cook,

trying to figure some way

Out of the blackest disaster that has

ever struck down an innocent man

since the days of

Judas Ischariot.

What are you mumbling about?

What disaster?

I am sitting here, Mr.

Cook, toying with the idea

of removing your heart -

and stuffing it like an olive!

Hang on, Oliver, you're going screwy.

I'll get Watson.

You ruined me.

You ruined the Morning Star.

You blackened forever the

fair name of journalism.

You and that foul botch

of nature, Hazel Flagg!

You got some excuse for those words,

Oliver. Let's have it. Quick.

Excuse?! Excuse?!!!

Look at that!

L-l-l-look at that skeleton!

Not a bone missing, down to the

last healthy vertebra! Intact!

Read that. Rub your nose in it.

That's Hazel Flagg.

The biggest fake of the century.

A lying, faking witch with the soul of

an eel and the brain of a tarantula.

She hasn't got anything

wrong with her at all.

Sweet heaven, I can't believe it.

It's like some miracle.

Get me the Waldorf Hotel

as quick as you can!

Grab Hazel Flagg and

bring her to this office!

If you have to drag her through

the street by the hair!

So help me, Oliver, if you hurt that kid,

I'll knock you cold. I'll brain you!

You stay here and watch that maniac.

Watch every move he makes.

I want Hazel Flagg in this

office within half an hour!

- You're staying here!

- Now, Oliver, you're not gonna hurt her...

- Shut up!

- I'm marrying her.

Get that into that

monkey skull of yours.

I don't care how we've been taken or

what she's done. I'm in love with her

- Oh, that's a beautiful thought.

- And I thank God on my knees...

...that she's a fraud and a

fake and isn't going to die.

You're on your knees thanking God when the

whole town's getting ready to laugh at us.

A howl that'll be heard

around the world!

Let 'em laugh. I'll do

my own laughing back.

- It'll be worse than the French Revolution.

- Well, I hope I'm here when it breaks.

I wanna make one speech to our dear readers

before they carry our heads off on a pike.

Wanna tell 'em we've

been their benefactors.

We gave 'em a chance to pretend

that their phony hearts

were dripping with the milk of

human kindness.

- What's your name?

- Who, me? Max.

I want quiet in this office, Max.

Quiet so I can think

- Hazel Flagg's a fraud, eh?

- Gag him!

So when you start yelling "foul", remember

she was just a circulation stunt for you.

You used her like you've used every broken

heart that's fallen into your knap-sack.

To inflame the daffy public

and help sell your papers.

That's enough about

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