Now You Know Page #7

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Yeah, well, l...

I don't know.

It's weird because Jeremy,

all in all, is a pretty good guy.

You know, he's...

He's not mean.

People like him.

And he didn't cheat on me.

He never brought you flowers.

He never did anything romantic for you.

And he always put everything else

before you.

I'm right, aren't I?

Hey, look. I know exactly

what you're going through.

Well, I didn't always live my life

as a gay woman.

Before I met Shelly here,

I was married.

I was married for 12 years

to this man...

who much like Jeremy,

was a pretty good guy.

But then about the third year

of our marriage, everything changed.

- Uh-huh.

- Well, we were still in love...

but it just wasn't the same.

He slipped into like this

comfortable place, you know...

where he didn't think

that he needed to woo me anymore.

And sex, as infrequent as it was...

was boring and predictable.

I swear, I think guys have

some sort of built-in timer.

Uh-huh.

Apparently, everyone thinks this...

because I asked all my married friends

at the time...

you know, "Was this normal?"

And they said,

"Yeah, it was."

Yeah. That's why my marriage

lasted 12 years.

So, what? I either have to

accept this fact about men...

or become a lesbian?

[All Laughing]

No. No.

You just need to find someone...

who will love you

the way you wanna be loved.

You know, in my case, it's just

that person happened to be a woman.

And for you, it could be anybody.

It could be a friend.

It could be somebody you work with.

It might even be Marty.

[Laughs] Sorry, Kerri.

I like my women with bigger tits.

Oh, who knows?

It could even be Jeremy.

He may just need a wake-up call.

- God, it is way too serious at this table.

- Mmm.

Honey, you're coming with me.

Dance, lesbians, dance.

Oh, yeah. Come on.

K.C., take your purse.

- It'll be fine.

- Where do you think we are?

I thought your husband was a lying,

cheating scumbag with a gambling problem.

Oh. Did I fail to mention that?

[Both Laugh]

[Snoring]

[Snapping, Thudding]

[Snorting]

[Snoring Resumes]

What are you trying to do,

get us thrown in jail?

You try lifting a couch with mittens on.

It ain't easy.

- That's why we don't wear mittens, sh*t stain.

How the f*** did that dude sleep through that?

- I have no idea. I'm just glad he did.

- Maybe he didn't, dude.

Let's get the f*** outta here!

- So what'd you think, Jer?

Ah, except for pissing myself when I

dropped that couch, it was pretty fun.

It's kind of cool being in someone's house,

knowing you can busted at any minute.

Yeah, I think Newman Home Security

has a new customer.

- I would love to see his face when he sees that.

- This is what my life should be.

If I wanna go out, do something stupid

and illegal with you two sh*t stains,

I should be able to do it, right?

- Hell yeah!

- Yeah.

What are you agreeing with?

He just called you "sh*t stain," sh*t stain.

Dude, that ain't cool.

[Laughing] Come on. Let's make

mac and cheese or cookies. That'll be...

- Hey, Marty.

- Hey, jam hands.

- Jam hands?

- What do you think he's been

doing in there all night?

- Oh!

- Shut up, Kerri! I have not!

Yeah, right. You walk into your room

and stick to the floor.

Shut up, Kerri!

[Both Laugh]

I told you we were

gonna have fun tonight.

Yeah. Who would've thought that all

I needed was a pep talk from a lesbian?

Yeah, that and five or six magaritas.

- Why? You think that helps?

- Yeah.

Oh, Marty, I wish...

I wish that you were drinking with me.

It looks like I'm gonna be

on the wagon for a few more months.

- I'm sorry. I didn't mean...

- Nah.

- Are you gonna tell your mom?

- Why? So I can hear her tell me

how I screwed up my life...

over and over again

like she always knew I would?

No, thanks. Actually, I don't think

I'm gonna tell her anything.

Just let her think I'm gettin' fat.

That would torture her even more.

Hey. I have an idea.

You move to Vegas,

and you and I raise the kid together.

- All right, no more gay clubs for you.

- No, I'm totally serious. You and I could do it.

Okay. So, the girl who calls her little brother

"jam hands" wants to raise my kid?

No, I don't think so.

[Laughs]

Besides, can you see me pregnant in

the Vegas heat? I'd f***in' kill somebody.

You know, that's really just

a matter of time, not geography.

You're probably right.

- All right, I better get goin'.

- Oh, come on. Spend the night.

No, thanks. I'm a little particular about

which toilet I spend the morning yakking in.

Mine's got one of those cushiony seats. It's nice.

You can rest your head between wrenches.

Hmm. I might need one of those

in the morning too.

At least your misery'll end

with a Denny's breakfast.

Mine's gonna go on

a little bit longer.

Ooh, Denny's.

[Laughing]

Good night.

[Video Game Beeping]

- [Knocking]

- Hey, Cliffie, could you

come out here for a second?

Sure, Marty.

Can you do me a huge favor? Kerri and I

were just giving each other breast exams.

She thought she felt something

on one of my b*obs.

Do you think you could feel it for me?

So, what do you think?

You think it's okay?

Cliff? Cliffie?

Cliffie? Cli...

[Clicks Tongue]

Okay, well, thanks anyway.

Night.

[Panting]

- Well, thanks for a fun night, man.

- Hey, no problem.

Wait'll you see what we're doin' tomorrow

[Chuckles]

Can't wait.

You know what? You guys probably

don't even realize how good you got it.

- What do you mean?

- Just bein' single.

You don't have to answer to anyone.

You can come and go as you please.

You can hang out with anyone you want to.

That's cool.

- Well... [Chuckles]

- What?

- % % [Man Singing On Radio, Indistinct]

- Grass is always greener, my friend.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Well, nothin', really.

It's just that when you were with Kerri, you

probably didn't realize how good you had it.

I mean, bein' single and hangin' out

with Biscuit every night is fun...

but I would gladly trade that in to come home

to somebody who's beautiful and cared about me.

Not if you had to come home

to that person every day.

At least when you're single, you can date

and go out with whoever you want to.

And why do you date or go out

with whoever you want to?

- What do you mean?

- If it's just to get laid every blue moon...

then, yeah, bein' single is fun.

Most people I know are only dating people

'cause they're trying to find the person...

they want to spend

the rest of their lives with.

Jer, don't let yourself be fooled

into thinking you're missing something...

'cause you're with Kerri.

'Cause the only thing you're missin'

is wishin' you had someone like her.

So what was all that stuff at the bar?

"We have a stay of execution."

"I wouldn't wish marriage on my worst enemy."

Dude, we were in a bar, drinkin'.

We have to say stuff like that.

- That's not how we really feel.

- You think I made a mistake.

Well, if she was cheating on you, then...

Gil, would you stop with the Siegfried and Roy?

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