Nuestros amantes Page #5

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before she buys new ones.

You're the out-of-date yogurt?

Anyway, I did what my friend

and partner told me not to do.

- You didn't hire a detective?

- No.

I was the detective.

- Oh, God!

- Yes, I know.

Anyway, I started following her.

Room 237?

I'm on my way.

And there's another guy.

There's another guy.

And they meet in hotels,

in my home, in his home,

without bothering

to pretend about anything.

If I had any pride,

I'd just ask for a divorce.

As I'm not, what do I do?

Follow her.

To see what I did wrong,

to see what he's got that I haven't.

Apart from your wife.

And, following him,

I arrive at a bookstore

and see him breaking the heart

of a girl who is more or less 30,

and a fan of Charles Bukowski

and Truman Capote.

Are you saying

that Sack of Sh*t

is screwing F***ing Cynic?

You're right.

Chance doesn't exist.

He left me for your wife?

And my wife

left me for your guy.

The woman who thinks she deserves

something better than you

is with the guy who thinks he

deserves something better than me?

How many ways do you want to say it?

Yes, they're screwing!

Why did you wait so long to tell me?

Because I loved

the start of our story,

if you can call it that.

Look, our partners are

f***ing each other's brains out,

so call it

whatever the hell you want!

All right, I didn't want

their story to ruin ours!

Is this the first time

someone's cheated on you?

Or the first time I found out.

And you?

Once Jorge thought he was in love

with someone else and he left me.

Who was she?

A kind of poetess.

They didn't rhyme well?

No, they didn't rhyme.

He came back to me, crying.

And you forgave him.

I'm all heart.

And he made such an effort.

He lied to me, to himself...

Not to forgive him

would've been unforgivable.

Why do you try so hard?

That's how I am.

I see an impossible guy like Jorge

who won't commit,

who screws everything, and I say:

You're going

to fall in love with me.

It's a girl thing.

Mara and I were in the same gang.

I never thought for a minute

she'd notice me.

But one night

she came up to me and said:

Give me 24 hours to prove

I'm the woman of your dreams.

- And she didn't need 23 of them.

- No.

That sentence was enough.

I met Jorge in Teruel, at a recital.

There he was, reciting verses

and looking into my eyes.

When he finished,

he came up to me

and you know what

his first three words to me were?

You're really hot.

No.

I love you.

Twice?

Twice.

A good sentence.

I have to say it more.

He uses it constantly

and he knows how to do it.

What's the best thing about him?

He's a man

who hasn't forgotten to be a child.

And the worst?

At times

the child forgets he's a man.

What's the best thing about her?

Just by looking at you

she makes you feel like a god.

The worst is

she doesn't look at me now.

She must have turned agnostic.

Why did he fall for you?

Jorge says he feels safe with me.

At the same time he needs risk.

He lives life like an adventure,

and I love that.

But I hate his selfishness,

and that he lectures me

and that he's always quoting

f***ing Sigmund Freud.

Why did she fall for you?

I wish I knew.

What was it she said

when she left you?

"The human being's

only commitment..."

"is to his passion".

That's Jorge. Word for word.

- No!

- Yes.

She left me with a sentence

copied from Sack of Sh*t?

I wonder who he copied it from!

- Did he use it to seduce her?

- Definitely. It worked with me.

Hey,

I can get you boiling oil

as well as a whip,

if you want

to torture yourself more.

My wife was taken from me

with a sentence by... Who?

- Oscar Wilde?

- It sounds more like Paulo Coelho.

If that's how you console me,

I prefer the boiling oil.

Have you confronted her?

I wouldn't do that

even with the Avengers on my side.

You're that afraid of her?

No, I'm not afraid.

I'd say I'm terrified.

Introduce her to Stephen King.

He's looking for new ideas.

He'd love her.

Being with her

is like being in front of a mirror

where you only see disappointment.

Her disappointment or yours?

Hers, mine, even my daughter's,

and she doesn't know what it is yet.

One option is to call her and say:

"Hi, love, how are you?

Oh, I know who you're screwing."

And if I told you

I rang her two weeks ago?

Tell me.

I rang her two weeks ago.

I told her

I knew there was someone else.

You know what she said?

What annoys me

isn't that you're paranoid,

it's that

you're such a common paranoid.

Leave me in peace

and go with Ditsy and Bozo!

And after that constructive remark,

she hung up.

But she didn't hang up properly.

And you didn't hang up either.

You heard something?

Was she with Jorge?

They didn't start to...

right there?

And you didn't hang up?

How?

I was paralyzed!

How can you be such a masochist?

You're Torquemada's erotic fantasy!

At least

I'm somebody's erotic fantasy!

I hope you didn't tape the call

to suffer even more.

Of course not.

I'm not that demented.

You want to know

the craziest thing about the matter?

No, I don't, because the matter

is my ex screwing someone else.

That's the matter.

She seemed like someone else.

I heard them

in full sexual apocalypse

and Mara was nothing like

the lady I married,

who never let me experiment in bed.

We followed the same script

for eight years.

Look at the 007 films.

It's always the same script

but they change James Bond.

Well, Mara changed James Bond and

the script, and that pisses me.

She didn't let me rewrite it

and I'm a f***ing scriptwriter!

The worst thing...

The worst thing

is that

while I was listening to them

I started to...

Get aroused?

I've never told anyone this,

but Mara

likes to

hit me

when she reaches...

When...

I heard her doing it to him

and I couldn't help...

While they...

Anyway,

it was the first time

Mara and I climaxed together.

Is there anything

more humiliating than that?

Look,

I know your greatest dream

is to summer in Guantanamo,

but all this isn't your fault.

Jorge is very good at

removing inhibitions.

He's dissolute.

Not dissolute,

take it up a level.

What is it with people and words?

Who invented

this sh*t of "up a level"?

The next level up from dissolute

has a name.

"Perverted", for example.

The next level is "depraved".

The next level is "sex maniac".

And the next level

is the Sack of Sh*t, your ex,

turning my ex

into the hottest porn slut

in the vilest brothel

in New Orleans!

- Why New Orleans?

- I don't know!

It sounded better than Amsterdam.

Do you know

how many times Mara did something

with me as progressive as oral sex?

Very few?

Not very few,

take it up a level!

And there I was,

with the phone in my ear,

listening to how

she gave your ex what he called

"the best blow job of my life"!

Now that's a title.

Forget "Hamlet".

Then Mara told him all the filthy

things she wanted him to do to her.

You know how many

she and I had done?

- All of them?

- Not one!

- Did you ever ask her?

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