Nuts in May Page #3

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Oh, they practise their manoeuvres

down on the heath.

There's a dangerous bend, look at that.

Keith, if we didn't have an army,

just think about it.

KEITH:
Yes.

CANDICE MARIE:
The only reason

that we've all got armies

is because other countries have them.

KEITH:
Oh, yes.

CANDICE MARIE:
If we said, right,

we'll be the first country to say

we're scrapping the army completely.

KEITH:
Yes.

CANDICE MARIE:
Then everyone else might

-gradually follow suit.

-Yes.

CANDICE MARIE:
Then we'd have

no wars at all and no trouble.

KEITH:
Yes.

CANDICE MARIE:
And no killings.

KEITH:
There are some very unscrupulous

people about, you know, I mean,

we have to defend ourselves

against the people

who are less responsible than ourselves,

especially those, in civilian terms,

who take the law into their own hands.

CANDICE MARIE:
Keith!

Hello! It's marvellous down here!

The sea has worn through the limestone

and formed an arch

and it's pushed back the Wealden clay

and it's a little cove. It's lovely!

Don't come too near the edge!

Candice Marie, you're standing

on sedimentary limestone!

It's been folded

and it's in the shape of a stair,

that's why it's called Stair Hole!

There's a stair there

and a hole down here!

I can't hear you, Keith.

What?

Can't hear you!

-Come along.

-It's pouring with rain,

I can hardly see

'cause my glasses are all steamed up.

Oh, it's all right.

It's only a shower from low stratus.

It'll pass over soon.

-Come on, you can jump here.

-I'm not jumping over there, Keith.

-What? Come on.

-I'm going up here.

Oh, come on, it's only a little jump.

It's all right for you, Keith,

you're always rushing ahead.

I can never keep up with you.

Why don't you wait for me sometimes?

Isn't it lovely, Keith?

Yes, splendid. It's choppy out to sea

and it's calm inside the cove here.

What are you doing?

Just collecting some pebbles

to take back.

-Well, you shouldn't do that, you know.

-Why not?

Well, if everybody did that

there wouldn't be any pebbles left.

-Don't be ridiculous, Keith.

-Well, there wouldn't.

There are thousands of pebbles

on this beach.

I told you what happened

at Brighton in Victorian times,

look at that.

People leaving their litter all over...

The sea comes in...

(CONTINUES CHATTERING, INAUDIBLE)

KEITH:
It's only low stratus

that's moving across quite quickly.

Look at that poor chap.

-He must be soaked, Keith.

-Yes.

-Shall we give him a lift?

-Shall we?

Yes.

Want a lift?

Well, if you're going near the campsite,

yes, please.

Our larder isn't sticking in you,

is it?

No.

Oh, it's just a small

larder that we've brought with us.

It's got a wire mesh front

and it keeps the food nice and fresh.

-It's handy, that, isn't it?

-Yes.

Where are you from?

Cardiff, but I'm studying

up in London now..

-At university?

-No, teachers' training college.

Oh.

Keith works for the Social Services,

don't you, Keith?

Oh, aye?

Organises pensioners' holidays,

Meals on Wheels, that sort of thing.

Ah.

-I work in a toy shop.

-Oh.

(CHUCKLES)

CANDICE MARIE:
Oh, sorry, what's your

name, if you don't mind me asking?

Ray.

Well, that's Keith,

and I'm Candice Marie.

RAY:
Pleased to meet you.

Nice, isn't he, Keith?

Good job I wore my boots today, Keith.

My feet would have got soaked.

I'm going up West Hill for a walk.

Excuse me, Ray.

Sorry to trouble you,

but I was just wondering

if you'd like to have a look

at the pebbles I've collected?

-Yeah, sure. Do you want to come in?

-Thank you.

It's... It's a bit cramped,

you know, but it's all right, like.

-Hmm.

-I was just drying out.

Yes, I've had to change

my trousers as well.

-There you are.

-Oh, thank you.

-All right.

-It's nice, isn't it?

Well, it's all right for one, you know.

(RAY CLEARS THROAT)

These are the pebbles I've collected.

This one in particular is really nice.

I was going to varnish it

and then set it on a ring like that.

-That'd be nice, that.

-Lovely, isn't it?

Not too sure what it is, actually.

It might be...

Might have some flint in it,

I'm not sure.

-Well...

-Lovely.

I'm not too sure, either, really.

I'm only a sort of amateur

geologist myself but...

I got to do it as part of my course,

you know.

-Oh, at college?

-Yeah, it's part of my history course.

I've got to do a thesis on the geology

of a certain area, like, you know.

It's not my main subject,

like, PE's my main subject

but I've got to do history

as a subsidiary subject.

Funny combination, isn't it?

PE and history.

Yeah, if I had my way

I'd just sort of do PE

but, you know, one of those things.

-Oh, isn't that a lovely drawing.

-Yeah, it's a good book, that.

Ancient Purbeck.

Lovely dinosaur on the front.

It's got everything, you know,

history, geology, everything.

Keith'd love this book.

Well, you can borrow it if you want.

-Could I?

-Yeah.

-Just for a couple of days?

-Yeah.

Oh, thank you very much.

-Oh, look, there's Lulworth Cove.

-Yeah.

Have you been anywhere else?

Well, I was thinking of going down

to Corfe Castle to take a look round.

We were there the other day,

it's lovely.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, look, I've got a good idea.

Why don't you borrow

our Corfe Castle guide,

save yourself 20p and we can do a swap.

-Yeah, that'd be great.

-Yes, a good idea.

Look, I'll pop that Corfe Castle guide

over in a couple of minutes.

-Right, okay.

-If that's all right.

-Yeah, thanks a lot.

-Right, thanks very much, Ray.

That's okay. See you.

Well, when I was at school, Keith,

I was hopeless at maths.

Well, I was only hopeless at maths

'cause I wasn't interested in it,

and it's the same with Ray.

He hates geology and history

and his main interest is PE, so why

does he have to do another subject?

Well, I don't know!

Let's go and ask Ray, shall we?

-Keith, don't be silly.

-Let's ask Ray.

-Keith, don't be silly.

-Come along.

Excuse me, Ray, wonder if you can

help us with a little problem here?

Candice Marie was wondering why,

when you're doing one subject

that you're happy with,

why you have to do another one

that you don't want to do at all?

Well, apart from being

a requirement of the college like...

Ah, it's a requirement

of the college, Candice Marie.

-All right, Keith.

-There we are.

Perhaps you would like to sit here

and talk to Ray about it, would you?

Or would you like

to come across to our tent

and sit down and talk to Candice Marie?

-I'm sorry, Ray.

-Yeah, sure.

I'm going for another walk.

Do you want to come?

CANDICE MARIE:
No.

And if you must know, Keith,

I don't want to come on any more trips

with you or any more walks.

You were horrible to Ray.

He must be really upset now.

Anyway, Keith,

instead of going for a walk

I think you should go across

and apologise to him.

And if I don't?

Then I don't want to go

on any more trips with you.

(SIGHS)

KEITH:
Ray?

What?

I've come over to apologise.

What for?

For what happened earlier.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, sure, forget it.

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