Nuts in May Page #8

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You want to get him locked up, missus.

-Are you all right, Keith?

-(SOBBING) I'm going for a walk.

I didn't want to come here

in the first place.

What's the matter with you?

FINGER:
He's a bleeding nutter.

He could have killed me, you know.

HONKY:
All right, all right.

FINGER:
Well, he could have done.

HONKY:
All right!

FINGER:
If he comes back...

-Wants bloody locking up.

-Oh, shut up.

-If he comes back I'll kick his head in.

-Oh, shut up.

-He could have killed me.

-Yeah, all right, all right.

-He could!

-All right.

Could've knocked me bleeding head off.

-Give us a match.

-Leave it alone.

-No!

-Just leave it.

Go on, give us a match.

FINGER:
Great, isn't it?

HONKY:
Yeah.

FINGER:
There's a bit of fat there,

I'd better tip that off.

-HONKY:
Oh, watch it.

-Oh, bloody hell.

(FINGER LAUGHING)

It's a cowboy breakfast.

I ain't half hungry, are you?

Hey, there's John.

Hey, John.

Hey, John, come over here,

I want to tell you summat.

-Come over here.

-You got it going, then?

Yeah.

Hey, come here, I want to tell you.

Hey, that smells all right, that,

doesn't it?

I've just had a punch-up

with the guy next door.

What, fists and that?

No, he come at me

with a bleeding great stick.

Bloody hell,

what was all that about, then?

-Tried to stop me lighting the fire.

-Yeah?

FINGER:
Yeah.

Mind you, he's cracked.

He starts crying over there.

RAY:
What was she doing, like?

FINGER:
She locked herself in the tent.

It's a pity, that.

I missed out on all the fun, didn't I?

Yeah, it was great, wasn't it, Honk?

Oh, well, see you.

Right, come along, Candice Marie,

we're leaving.

-Leaving, Keith?

-Yes, leaving. Come on.

-Hey, they got two tents there.

-Yeah.

-One inside the other.

-I know.

I'm going to try and find Miss Beale.

You wait here.

-Excuse me, Ray.

-Oh.

We're going to try

and find another campsite.

So I just thought I'd bring

your Ancient Purbeck back.

Oh, thanks very much.

I've got your Corfe Castle guide,

haven't I?

-Yes.

-Yeah, hang on.

-Here you are, thanks for the lend.

-Thanks very much.

Well, enjoy the rest of your holiday.

Yeah, and you. I hope you find

somewhere nice, you know.

-Yes. Okay, well cheerio, then.

-Yeah, ta-ra.

Yes, I have read the rules

of the campsite. It also says

that if exceptional circumstances exist

then perhaps some grounds

may be found for a refund.

Five pounds is a lot of money.

Well, I'm afraid you'll have

to see my father about that.

And when will he be in?

Should be in tomorrow morning,

any time before 1 0:00.

All right, thank you.

Hey, we're just going down to Swanage.

Do you want to get the bus

and come down?

No, it's too far.

What are you doing tonight, then?

I'll probably go down the village later,

you know.

Yeah, okay. Hey, we could have a drink

on the way back.

All right, then.

I'll see you down there, shall I? Yeah?

-Hey, what about them, eh?

-Oh, come on.

All right.

It wasn't our fault, you know.

-I know.

-No. Funny people about, isn't there?

-Right, see you anyway.

-Ta-ra.

MAN ON RADIO:

This is Radio One and Radio Two.

Wouldn't it be lovely, Keith,

if we were gypsies,

like in the old days?

And we had a lovely painted caravan and

we could just stop wherever we wanted?

I suppose we could stay

in a bed and breakfast

if the worst came to the worst.

One with a thatched roof, Keith.

It doesn't really matter what kind

of roof it has, so long as it's got one.

-Good afternoon, sir.

-Good afternoon, officer.

-Hello.

-CANDICE MARIE:
Hello.

-Is this your car, sir?

-Yes.

-What's the number, sir?

-51 42 BY.

Do you want to see my documents?

Yes, please.

-What's this, then?

-Oh, that's our camping equipment.

Musical instruments and food larder.

-Yes, leave it to me, Candice Marie.

-I'm only telling him, Keith.

Licence, insurance, MO and AA membership.

-Your name, please, sir?

-Keith Pratt.

-Address?

-37 Valemore Road, Croydon, Surrey.

We were just looking for a campsite.

Yes, we were forced off the other one.

Leave it to me, Candice Marie.

We've been to two

but they weren't suitable.

The insurance expires

on the 26th of August

and the MOT on the 3rd of April.

Will you open the boot please, Keith?

Hold that, Candice Marie.

-You drive, do you?

-No.

I'm going to take lessons, though.

What's this, then?

Well, that's our camping equipment.

Tent there. No, that's the tent,

that's the flysheet.

-CANDICE MARIE:
That's the stove.

-Don't take it out, Candice Marie.

-Sorry, Keith.

-Sleeping bag, there.

-Camping gas.

-The table there.

What about this, then?

What's that?

That tyre.

It's bald as a baby's bum.

-Isn't it, Keith?

-Oh, yes, Keith, so it is.

You realise that's an offence, sir?

I'd get that changed as soon as possible

if I was you.

Excuse me, sir. Would you mind

sitting in the car, please?

You see out of your

rear view mirror, sir?

The boot's up.

If the boot wasn't up,

could you see out?

Yes.

You make sure you don't put

anything on that back seat.

Oh, I usually keep it clear.

Because that can be an offence as well,

you know.

All right, then, off you go.

-Have a nice holiday, then, sir.

-KEITH:
Thank you.

-Fancy a roll in the hay, then?

-No, thanks.

Oh, please yourself.

By God, if I had any hay,

you'd be bloody grateful.

-1 00 quid a ton.

-Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Aye, best I can offer you is 40 quid's

worth of lousy old wheat straw.

-Take it or leave it.

-I think I'll leave it.

Fertiliser bags?

All plastic, very fertile.

Hey, hey, what have we here?

(ARGUING)

-I wish you'd do as you're told.

-I don't want to stay in the car.

-Hello.

-MAN:
Hello.

-I'm looking for somewhere to camp.

-Oh, yeah?

We were wondering

if it's possible to camp here.

Yeah, it's possible.

You see, it's getting rather late

and we've got to find somewhere.

KEITH:
Yes.

Well, there's a field up behind those

sheds. It's all yours if you want it.

Do you have any facilities?

None whatsoever.

I'm not a campsite,

haven't got a licence.

There's water up there,

tap by the water trough,

and there's a wood on the other side

if you need a sh*t.

I can let you have a spade.

-Oh, I have my own spade, thank you.

-MAN:
Oh, jolly good.

How much do you charge?

Shall we say 25p?

-That's very reasonable, Keith.

-Is it payable in advance?

-Payable any time you like.

-Thank you very much.

Well, you can run your car

straight up there

and close the gate behind you.

Yes, well, we always obey

the country code.

KEITH:
Bye-bye.

CANDICE MARIE:
Thank you very much.

Been mountaineering, then?

No, they're just ordinary walking boots.

Right, thank you very much.

-Look at that, Keith. Isn't it lovely?

-Oh, yes, lovely.

-Sort of colours refracted in the cloth.

-Yeah.

I remember when I was at school, Keith,

when we were about five,

and the teacher asked us to bring in

-some long chiffon scarves.

-Yes.

-Then she put on some music.

-Yes.

And we all had to

sort of dance about like this

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