Nuts in May Page #7

---

See you.

-Hold on, Honk.

-Hey, I can't see.

(SCREAMING) No, don't, stop, don't!

You'll have me over.

Not fair, is it, Keith?

FINGER:
Hey, what happens

if we get the wrong tent?

HONKY:
This is it.

Look, here's the bike.

HONKY:
(SCREAMING) Stop!

KEITH:
Excuse me, do you mind

making less noise, please?

(SHUSHING AND GIGGLING)

FINGER:
I'm going to have a piss.

They're not taking any notice, Keith.

They're ignoring you completely.

HONKY:
It's a bit low.

I'm coming in.

-I'm coming in on the top.

-Oh no.

-Yes.

-No. Oh, God.

(FINGER LAUGHING)

Be quiet!

(SHUSHING)

HONKY:
Let's get a pillow

sorted out here, move your head.

See, it's made no difference, Keith.

Bet there's all creepy crawlies

all over the place here.

Running up your trouser leg.

-Hey.

-Huh?

-It's an earwig.

-Oh, get off.

Get off, I don't like that.

-Your old man's hand.

-Oh, stop it.

What time is it, Keith?

It must be ever so late.

Look! This is a tent! I am in a tent!

The walls of a tent are thin!

I can hear everything you're saying.

Now, be quiet!

FINGER:
Get back to bed!

And you get back to your tenements!

Oh, tenements.

Oh, come on, turn it up!

I thought he was coming through

the bleeding roof.

-I did and all.

-Scared the life out of me.

I think they've stopped, Keith.

-Better than being at home, isn't it?

-Mmm.

Hey.

I'm knackered.

-My guts is terrible this morning.

-It's strong beer, that, isn't it?

Aye, gets your head and all, doesn't it?

-It was a good night, though.

-Yeah, it was all right.

I reckon.

(GRUNTS)

Do you want a go?

I'm gonna put me tracksuit

on in a minute.

Oh, yeah.

My feet are soaked. It's wet, isn't it?

Yeah, well, it's always like this

early morning.

-I thought it had been raining.

-No, it's the dew.

(CHUCKLING) Bleeding everywhere,

aren't they?

-Do you get it?

-Yeah.

-That's natty, isn't it?

-Yeah, it's okay.

-Do you drink that?

-Well, it's out the tap, like.

Looks a funny colour in the bag.

-You've got everything in here, eh?

-Well, not quite.

-That gas?

-Yeah.

Clever, isn't it?

Do you want some coffee?

Oh, I wouldn't say no.

-Have you got any cups?

-Yeah.

Hey, Honk! Honk, come over here.

John's going to make us some coffee.

You know, I reckon he's got

a bleeding cheek, that geezer.

Yeah.

I mean, we wasn't making much noise.

I think he's a bit of a nutcase.

I'm going to the bog.

KEITH:
Come along, the kettle's boiling.

CANDICE MARIE:
All right, Keith.

Do you want your tea now,

or when you come back?

When I come back.

-RAY:
Morning.

-Morning.

Morning.

-Only trying to be sociable.

-Miserable old bleeder.

RAY:
Yeah.

-Morning.

-Morning.

Excuse me,

can I just get my towel, please?

KEITH:
What are you doing?

Mind your own business.

-You're not making a fire, are you?

-What's it got to do with you?

May I just remind you

that open fires are not allowed here?

Who says?

When you arrived at the campsite

you were issued with a card.

I wasn't.

I think you must have been

because Miss Beale gives everybody one.

(CHUCKLING) She didn't give us one,

did she?

Yes, it's just like

an ordinary white postcard

with the address of the campsite

on the front

and a list of 1 0 rules on the back.

And rule number one is no open fires.

I'm just going to get some green stuff,

get it going.

You're being very silly, you know,

'cause if you do light an open fire,

then you're going to

get thrown off the campsite.

Now, don't be silly.

Look, will you mind

your own bleeding business?

It is my business.

My business is to protect the life

of the countryside and our heritage.

Now, you don't seem to be aware

of those things,

so I'm advising you as to the extent

of your responsibilities.

You shouldn't be breaking those branches

and you shouldn't be making a fire.

I've got some, Honk.

Now, I don't want to

get you into trouble

but if you go on with this,

I shall have to go and tell Miss Beale.

You can tell who you bleeding well like.

All right,

if that's the way you want it.

How are we supposed

to cook our dinner, then?

You can have a cold dinner.

FINGER:
We've got sausages.

Well, you shouldn't be eating sausages.

-Why not?

-Well, quite apart

from the toxic substances in the meat,

there are quite a few harmful

additives and preservatives

in the sausage.

I don't think you realise

how dangerous an open fire can be.

I mean, for one thing,

you could easily set fire to your tent.

Well, it's our tent.

Miss Beale doesn't seem to be around

and so I'm assuming responsibility.

-I bet you didn't look for her, did you?

-Yes, I did and she's not there.

Now, stop what you're doing.

No. Who the bleeding hell

do you think you are?

I'm a good citizen

who's aware of his responsibilities.

You're a bloody comedian, mate.

No, I'm not! Now stop what you're doing.

No. Look, I've paid my money.

You've got no right

to come telling me what to do.

Oh, I've got every right.

I have the power to arrest you

if I wanted to.

Now, stop making that fire.

-You a copper?

-No.

But every citizen has the right

to arrest another citizen

who's breaking the law. Now, be told.

What law am I breaking?

You're breaking the laws of the campsite

and the laws of the country code.

Now, I don't want to have to use force.

You what?

Put the stick down.

-No!

-Oh, come on, Finger.

What are you going

to do about it, then, eh?

-Just put the stick down.

-Just leave it.

-If you want a fight...

-Look, be told!

If you touch me,

I'm going to bleeding kill you.

Now, look, I don't want to fight you,

I just want to tell you

that you shouldn't...

-You keep away from me!

-HONKY:
Finger, leave him alone.

I just want you to stop making the fire

and stop breaking those branches.

-Come on, Finger, leave it alone.

-Come on, hit me! Come on.

No, no, I'm not going to.

Get away from me,

I'll knock your head off!

Get back, I'm warning you!

-FINGER:
You touch me, I'll kill you!

-I'll knock your head off!

I'll knock your head off!

Come on, then, if you want a fight!

-Come on, then, if you want a fight!

-I'll give you a bleeding fight.

Come on! Come on, let's fight!

Come on, I'll knock your head off!

FINGER:
Don't touch me, mate.

HONKY:
Oh, Finger, just leave...

Oh, put it down!

Come on, then!

Come on, what about it, eh?

Look, you get your geezer over here

or else I'll kick

this bloody table over.

Keith! Keith, she's got a knife

and she's going to kick the table over.

-Put that stick down, you bastard...

-Come on, come on...

-FINGER:
I'll f***ing kill you.

-Keith!

Come on, then. Come on!

-Oi!

-You're a dead man...

-I'll knock your head off.

-HONKY:
Finger!

Get away from there!

Get back, you get back!

Finger! Finger, get over here.

-He bleeding well started it.

-Oh, shut up.

You bastard!

(PANTING)

-He's bleeding well crying now.

-Oh, shut up.

-He's bleeding well crying.

-Oh, shut up!

I was only trying to advise you

for your own good.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes