Nuts in May Page #6

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-Yeah.

Good.

-Ready?

-Yes.

-Apron, Keith.

-What?

-You've still got your apron on.

-Oh, yes.

Thank you, Ray,

you did that very well indeed.

CANDICE MARIE:
Thank you very much, Ray.

-Actually, Keith.

-Yes?

What would be really lovely is

if we could take a picture of Ray.

-If that would be all right.

-Yes, if you want to.

Do you want to have

your photograph taken, Ray?

I don't mind.

Actually, Keith,

what would be really nice

is if you could take a picture

of Ray and myself.

Well, if you want to.

Where do you want me to take it?

Outside Ray's tent?

No, outside our tent,

same place as us, if that's all right.

Would you like to go

and stand over there, Ray?

Yes, come on, Ray.

Smile.

Oh, come along, say cheese.

-BOTH:
Cheese.

-Big cheese.

-BOTH:
Cheese.

-No, say ''big cheese''.

BOTH:
Big cheese.

Oh, you can do better than that.

Now, come along.

One, two, three...

BOTH:
Big cheese!

(CAMERA CLICKS)

(BANJO AND GUITAR PLAYING)

CANDICE MARIE AND KEITH:

# Love, oh love, oh careless love

# Love, oh love, oh careless love

# Love, oh love

# Oh careless love

# Oh see what love has done to me

# Once I wore my apron low

# Once I wore my apron low

# Once... #

-Stop there.

-Down here, down here.

I want to go down here.

Down here. Are you all right?

Hey, I can't stop this bike.

WOMAN:
Will you stop?

MAN:
All right. All right.

Come on. Come on. Stop.

-All right, John?

-All right.

-Keith.

-I'm going to have a look up there.

Hey! Hey, Honk, they've cut

the grass up there.

Hey, they've cut

the grass up there, look.

Just put it here.

-I want to go down there.

-No, we'll just put it here.

(EXCLAIMS)

Hey, look at them bleeding bluebells.

Bleeding millions of them.

Hey, have you got your knife?

It's great, isn't it?

Cut that for us, will you?

And there.

There's the ball.

Great.

(LAUGHS)

-All right?

-Yeah.

Hey, Honk, on your head. Honk!

HONKY:
Watch it!

Oh, I can't get this in.

Give us your helmet.

Use you own bleeding helmet.

Hey, just hold it, if I peg this out...

-Hold it, hold it, hold it...

-It's falling over.

FINGER:
If I peg it out

it'll hold it up.

Tent's falling down, Keith.

HONKY:
It'll fall over...

FINGER:
Hold it for us, give us a hand.

Don't do that.

Come on, if you give us a hand

we can get inside.

Get off.

Oh, look at it, that ain't right.

Bit of wind, it'll fall over.

Won't. Honest,

it's a bleeding army tent, this is.

Nothing'll blow this over.

That's it, that's great.

Hey, Honk. Honk, come in here.

Ray's going over to help them, Keith.

Keith!

FINGER:
Hey, there ain't

half a lot of room in here.

HONKY:
Yeah, there looks it.

-Do you want a hand?

-It's up now, ta.

-You've got it inside out.

-Hey?

Don't make no difference, does it?

See these things? They hold the tent up.

FINGER:
Well, I thought this was

the better side, like.

RAY:
That's the inside.

Oh! Maybe you're right.

Honky, looks like we got it

the wrong way round.

-Yeah, we'd better change it.

-I'll give you a hand.

FINGER:
Ta.

-Yeah, that should be all right now.

-Ta. Great.

Hey, what do you do round here

at night like?

I usually go down the pub

in Corfe Castle.

Oh. Hey, I wouldn't mind doing that,

would you, Honk?

-Mmm.

-Nice pint of draught.

Ah, because it's a bit quiet

round here like, isn't it?

Well, I'm going down later.

You can come along if you want.

That'd be great, we'll do that, eh?

-HONKY:
Yeah.

-Yeah.

Well, I'll be in my tent.

Give us a shout when you're ready.

Right. See you!

-All right?

-Yes, thank you.

HONKY:
Oh, it ain't very big, is it?

FINGER:
Don't matter,

you'll be on your back anyway.

(LAUGHING)

Come on.

(HONKY EXCLAIMS)

-Right! Game shot.

-Here you are. I'll get it for you.

-What?

-You'll be here all night.

-Right, double three.

-You'll miss it.

See, you missed.

Nearly.

-There you are.

-(CHUCKLING) That's it.

-Bloody hell.

-Lucky darts, them, eh?

What? That's talent.

That's it, then, isn't it?

-Do you want another drink?

-Yeah, yeah.

What, bitter, is it?

-Yeah, a pint, please.

-Gin. I've got enough tonic.

For the bull, eh!

CANDICE MARIE:
Look at that, Keith.

Oh, yes.

It's very funny.

-What are you reading, Keith?

-The Guinness Book of Records.

ALL:
# It's the same

the whole world over

# It's the poor that gets the blame

# It's the rich that gets the pleasure #

-Hey, all right?

-All right.

(EXCLAIMING)

Hey!

All right? Good night.

Good night, Keith. Kiss Prudence.

No.

-Why not?

-I'm tired.

There's that one about the cook,

you know, making the apple pie.

HONKY:
Oh, yeah.

He must have been an army cook,

because there's a colonel there, like,

and anyway, he was...

He'd got his teeth out and he was just

putting all marks like, round the pie...

-Patterns. Patterns.

-FINGER:
Oh, patterns around the pie.

And the colonel says to him, he says,

''Eh, Boothby'', or whatever his name was,

he says, ''Hey, haven't you got

anything better to do that with?''

And he says, ''Aye, but I'm saving that

to make the holes in the doughnuts!''

That's good, that. Yeah.

Do you know the Irish intelligence test?

-HONKY:
No.

-What's that?

Well, look, pick a finger. Go on,

any finger. Pick a finger, all right.

-Like that?

-Right.

Now I'm going to jumble them all up

and I want you to tell me

which finger you picked.

(LAUGHING)

I don't get that.

Well, perhaps it wasn't so funny.

(HONKY LAUGHING)

-I'm in the building trade.

-Oh, yeah? Doing what?

Plasterer.

There's good money in that, isn't there?

It's great.

-There isn't much work about, you know.

-No.

(CHUCKLING) No, they ain't building

no bleeding houses.

What do you do, Honky?

Work in an office.

-What, clerk or something?

-Yeah, it's the civil service.

-I'm a clerical officer.

-Oh, right.

-Sits on her arse all day.

-I don't.

I hated PE when I was at school.

-RAY:
What, too energetic or something?

-Yeah.

I liked it, I did, you know,

football and all that,

better than lessons.

Hey, we'll have a kick round tomorrow,

shall we?

Yeah, great, anytime, yeah.

Honky can go in goal.

RAY:
What team do you support,

Birmingham or Villa?

FINGER:
Birmingham, they're a good side.

RAY:
Yeah. Done all right this season,

haven't they?

Yeah.

They shouldn't have sold Latchford,

though, you know.

That's where they went wrong.

They've got no strength in depth,

you know,

and they've had a lot of injuries

and that,

and it's sort of weakened the side.

They're doing all right.

How do you reckon their chances

in the Cup?

I reckon they'll win.

I like rugby myself, you know.

Don't like rugby.

Christ!

Is that you?

-What?

-Oh, God, let's get out.

(CHUCKLING) Nothing to do with me.

It ain't me.

I'm standing out.

Silent killer.

HONKY:
I've never smelt

anything like it.

Hold on, Honk, I'm coming.

(LAUGHING)

Sorry about that, John.

Hey, Honk, wait for me.

We're going, then, John.

Yeah, thanks a lot.

See you tomorrow. Ta-ra.

FINGER:
Hey, Honk, where are you?

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