Oh! What A Lovely War Page #6

You can't have an obstruction

sticking out of the parapet like that.

Yes, sir.

- Sergeant Smith.

- Sir.

Remove the offending limb.

We can't do that, sir.

It's holding up the parapet.

Besides, we've just

consolidated the position.

Yes, well, you heard what the Major

said. Just get a shovel and hack it off.

Right, Bertie, sir.

Where the bloody hell am I

going to hang me equipment now?

Right, lads! Brew up!

Get yourselves some cha!

Smithey.

Johnny's regiment's

doing rather well for themselves.

Champagne, dear?

Let me give you a glass of wine.

There you are.

Field Marshal Sir John French,

Commander in Chief

of the British Expeditionary Force.

Wasrt that Sir Douglas Haig,

the new man?

Damned upstart.

That other blighter

Robertsors here, too.

Intrigue upon intrigue.

General Sir William Robertson,

Chief of the Imperial General Staff!

Willy, I'm so thrilled

to hear about your new appointment.

One takes these things

as they come, you know.

Sir Henry Wilsors green with envy.

Quite.

Talk of the devil.

I've nothing

against Robertson personally,

but to make him CIGS

is absolute disaster.

I'm sure Haig doesn't think so.

Well, of course he doesn't.

Now Haig can do exactly as he likes.

I can see that perfectly well.

General Sir Douglas Haig,

Commander of the British First Army,

and Lady Haig.

Canter in the row before breaffast

- tomorrow morning, Dorothy?

- Lovely.

Don't forget

the fitting for your new boots, Douglas.

Yes.

By the way,

we're lunching at Number 10,

without Sir John French.

Congratulations, my dear.

It's wise to remember

Haig has powerful friends.

What on earth do they see in him?

Shoots pheasant

with the Prince of Wales.

Lady Dorothy was

one of Queen Alexandra's

- maids of honour.

- Was she?

So now, of course,

he has the ear of the King.

Haig?

Sir Douglas Haig. That name's familiar.

Whisky.

Trade?

Afraid so.

Remember Geoffrey?

He was Ralph's ADC in Delhi.

Of course.

Excuse me, sir.

May I ask Lady Haig to dance?

I should be delighted.

Could we have

a few words together, Douglas?

The trouble is that people back here

just don't realise there's a war on.

That's why we need conscription.

Well, I've just volunteered.

Oh, wonderful. Congratulations.

What for?

The VAD.

The uniform is so becoming.

I wish there were more people like you.

I will tell you in confidence, my dear.

His Majesty very much hopes

that my husband

will succeed Sir John French.

My God.

Douglas has always felt

that French

was quite unsuitable to the position.

What do you think

of French's little lady friend?

Rank outsider.

Is she?

He's always been

very generous with the ladies.

I heard he once borrowed

rather a lot of money from you.

He was commander

of my cavalry brigade at the time.

Damn bad form.

Appalling.

Haig.

Sir John.

Do you know Mrs...

Comrades

Comrades

Ever since they were boys

Sharing each other's sorrows

Sharing each other's joys

The right man in the right job,

if I may say so, sir.

You may. You may. Thank you, my man.

To friends in sunshine and shadow.

- What? What?

- Hear, hear.

Well, Douglas,

how did you leave the men at the front?

Oh, in fine heart, sir.

Just spoiling for a fight.

Makes one feel very proud.

Tell me, Douglas,

what do you think

of this fellow, Kitchener?

Well, sir...

Yes, yes.

A perfectly howling rotter.

You're far too nice to say so.

He's only a damned politician,

and he behaves

like some damned generalissimo.

You know he turned up

in Paris in his uniform?

My God.

The fellow's got no right

to a uniform at all.

I mean, he's Secretary of State for War.

What happened?

Well, it raised

some pretty ticklish points of protocol.

We'll have to do something about him.

I mean, he's more dangerous

than the whole of the damned

German General Staff.

What?

Johnny.

Mrs...

Johnny.

Excuse me. They're playing my tune.

How did Haig get where he is?

Didrt you tell me he failed the

staff college-entrance examinations?

- Duke of Cambridge.

- What?

Friend of the family.

Oh, yes, of course.

On her side.

They waived the formalities

and let him in.

He's quite bright, though.

Thorough sort of chap.

Ambitious, of course,

but means well.

You off, Henry?

- Afraid so, Douglas.

- So soon?

We hope to see you

next weekend at Isabel's.

Lovely.

Do come along, dear,

or we shall never get home.

- Good night, Douglas.

- Good night, Henry.

I'm quite sure we've met before,

but I can't remember where.

- Good night, sir.

- Good night, Julius.

Frankly, I'm quite

looking forward to the new year.

Hurs on his last legs.

- It should all be over in a few months.

- Yes.

By the way, Douglas,

pity about that letter to The Times.

After all, you did capture Loos, hmm?

Yes. I could have done

with some more support.

Well, I mean,

you can always count on mine.

- Good night, my dear.

- Good night.

- Good night, Douglas.

- Good night, Johnny.

Sir John French's carriage!

Sir John French's carriage!

That mars a terrible intriguer.

You've been loyal long enough,

my dear.

Well...

Number 10 tomorrow, Dorothy.

And a Field Marshal's job for you.

Sir Douglas Haig's carriage!

Sir Douglas Haig's carriage!

Hush.

Hush.

Here comes a whizzbang.

Hush

Here comes a whizzbang

Now, you soldier men

Get down those stairs

Down in your dugouts

And say your prayers

Hush

Here comes a whizzbang

And it's making straight for you

Look out!

And you'll see all the wonders

Of no-mars-land

If a whizzbang

Hits you

Hush

- Here comes a whizzbang

- Here comes a whizzbang

Hush

- Here comes a whizzbang

- Here comes a whizzbang

Now, you soldier men

Get down those stairs

Down in your dugouts

And say your prayers

Hush

- Here comes a whizzbang

- Here comes a whizzbang

And it's making straight for you

And you'll see all the wonders

Of no-mars-land

If a whizzbang

Hits you

Come on now. Do us a Charlie Chaplin.

Come on. Let's see you do it.

And you'll see all the wonders

Of no-mars-land

If a whizzbang hits you

Gentlemen.

Germany has shot her bolt.

The prospects for 1916 are excellent.

Permission to speak, sir.

Of course.

If we continue in this way,

the line of trenches will stretch

from Switzerland to the sea.

Neither we nor the Germans

will be able to break through.

The war will end in complete stalemate.

Nonsense.

We need only one more big offensive

to break through and win.

My troops are of fine quality

and especially trained

for this type of war.

This is not war, sir. It is slaughter.

God is with us.

It is for King and Empire.

We are sacrificing lives

at the rate of

5,000 to sometimes 50,000 a day.

Intensive bombardment,

superior morale.

Just one more battle.

Sir, tell us what to do,

and by God, we'll do it.

We're going to walk through

the enemy lines.

Try this one, Dickie.

Cor, this is a good one, Grandpa.

Come on, Dickie, love.

They're all the same.

Come on.

Let me look at this one, please.

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