Oh! What A Lovely War Page #5

They will not shoot at us

while you are here.

Don't believe that, man.

It's us they're shooting at.

Oh, well...

Thanks very much, mate,

and give my love to the Kaiser.

- Morning, sir.

- Right. Carry on.

Yes, sir.

Morning, sir.

Well done.

Fraternisation, you call it?

It could be interpreted as treason.

We could have them all shot.

Stop the leaves of all units

in any sector where it's happened.

And a happy New Year to you, too.

Come on. Come on, quickly.

Brother Bertie went away

To do his bit the other day

With a smile on his lips

And his lieutenant pips

Upon his shoulder bright and gay

As the train moved out he said

Remember me to all the birds.

Then he wagged his paw

and went away to war

Shouting out these pathetic words

Goodbye, goodbye

Wipe the tear, baby dear, from your eye

Though it's hard to part, I know

I'll be tickled to death to go

Don't cry, don't sigh

There's a silver lining in the sky

Bonsoir, old thing

Cheerio, chin-chin

Nap-poo, toodle-oo, goodbye

Brother Bertie went away

To do his bit the other day

With a smile on his lips

And his lieutenant pips

Upon his shoulder bright and gay

As the train moved out he said

Remember me to all the birds

Then he wagged his paw

and went away to war

Shouting out these pathetic words

Goodbye

Goodbye

Wipe the tear, baby dear, from your eye

Though it's hard to part, I know

I'll be tickled to death to go

Don't cry, don't sigh

There's a silver lining in the sky

Bonsoir, old thing

Cheerio, chin-chin

Nap-poo, toodle-oo, goodbye

Goodbye

Goodbye

Wipe the tear, baby dear, from your eye

Though it's hard to part, I know

I'll be tickled to death to go

Don't cry, don't sigh

There's a silver lining in the sky

Bonsoir, old thing

Cheerio, chin-chin

Nap-poo, toodle-oo, goodbye

Oh, oh, oh, it's a lovely war

Who wouldn't be a soldier, eh?

Oh, it's a shame to take the pay

As soon as reveille is gone

We feel just as heavy as lead

But we never get up till the sergeant

Brings our breakfast up to bed

Oh, oh, oh, it's a lovely war

Oh, what do we want

with eggs and ham

When we've got plum and apple jam?

Form fours, right turn

How shall we spend

the money we earn?

Oh, oh, oh, it's a lovely war

Up to your waist in water

Up to your eyes in slush

Using the kind of language

That makes the sergeant blush

Who wouldn't join the army?

That's what we all inquire

Don't we pity the poor civilian

Sitting beside the fire?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

It's a lovely war

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

It's a lovely war

Who wouldn't be a soldier, eh?

Oh, it's a shame to take the pay

As soon as reveille is gone

We feel just as heavy as lead

But we never get up till the sergeant

Brings our breakfast up to bed

Oh, oh

It's a lovely war

What do we want with eggs and ham

When we've got plum and apple jam?

Form fours

Right turn

How shall we spend

the money we earn?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

It's a lovely

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

It's a lovely

Oh, oh, oh, it's a lovely war

Happy New Year!

Smithey!

Smithey!

Hello, Mavis.

Morning, Sir John.

Oh, Smith. Been wounded, I see.

Yes. Got a blighty one at Mons, sir.

Yes, yes. Well, the wife

must be glad to have you home.

I'm not married yet, sir.

Oh, no, no. Of course not. It was your...

Brother, sir.

Jack.

Married Cook's daughter, sir.

Yes. That's right. That's right.

They've got a dear little boy,

haven't they?

Yeah. A little girl actually, sir. Emma.

Rest of the family all right?

Well, touch wood, sir.

Got five at the front now, sir.

Well done. Well done.

Nothing like a bit of shooting, eh?

No, sir.

Well, I must be off.

August the 12th tomorrow.

Grouse won't wait.

Keep up the good work.

- Yes, sir.

- All right, then.

- Everything all right up there, Mavis?

- I'm attending to it, sir.

Well, look, come

and see me in a month or so.

We might do something

about getting your old job back.

- What do you say to that?

- Well, if I can't get back to the front, sir,

I think I'd sooner have a job

in munitions,

if it's all the same to you, sir.

As you wish...

Jack.

Drive on, Mavis.

That's better.

Right, lads. You can

take your masks off now.

Masks off! Stand down!

Not you, Leary.

- Sentry.

- Yes, Sarge.

Bombed last night

And bombed the night before

Gonna be bombed tonight

If we never get bombed anymore

When we're bombed

We're scared as we can be

God strafe the bombing men

From higher Germany

They're over us

They're over us

One shell hole

For just the four of us

Thank your lucky stars

There are no more of us

'Cause one of us

Could fill it all alone

Gassed last night

And gassed the night before

Going to get gassed tonight

If we never get gassed anymore

When we're gassed

We're sick as we can be

'Cause phosgene and mustard gas

Is much too much for me

They're warning us

They're warning us

One respirator for the four of us

Thank your lucky stars

That three of us can run

So one of us can use it all alone

Hey, Sarge.

Right, lads, on your feet! Attention!

It's me cousin Bertie,

the only officer in the family.

Have you got

the trench consolidated, Sergeant?

All present and correct, sir.

Except we lost Mr Laver, sir.

That's bad.

Major Mallory wants to

have a word with the men.

You can stand the men

at ease, Sergeant.

Stand at ease!

Shell attack!

On your feet, lads.

Come on! Jump to it!

You can let the men smoke

if they want to.

Right, sir.

The major says you can smoke,

but don't let me catch you.

Now, you men,

I've just come

from having a powwow with the Colonel.

We think you've done

some damn fine work.

We congratulate you.

I know you've had it pretty hard

the last few days,

bombs, shells and snipers.

We haven't escaped scot-free

back at staff either, I can tell you.

Anyway, we're all here...

Well, not all of us of course,

and that gas of ours was rather nasty,

damn wind changing.

Yes, indeed, sir.

But these mishaps do happen in war,

and gas can be a war-winning weapon.

Anyway, so long as

we can all keep smiling,

you're white men all.

Sector all tidy now, Smith?

We've buried most

of the 2nd Yorks and Lancs, sir.

Still a few DLI's

and the men from our own company left.

I see.

Well, look, let the lads

drum up some cha.

- Look out!

- Look out, sir!

Good God.

Stretcher bearers!

Stretcher bearers! Stretcher bearers!

You have

no stretcher bearers over there?

No. I'm afraid

they went in the last attack, sir.

I'm waiting for reliefs from HQ.

Oh, well, they're stout chaps.

Yes. You better

let the men keep under cover.

Thank you, sir.

Take cover!

Damn place still reeks

of decomposing bodies.

I'm afraid it's unavoidable, sir.

The trench was mainly full of Jerries.

Yes, of course.

You were more or less sharing

the same frontline

- for a couple of days, werert you?

- Yes, sir.

Oh, well.

- Carry on, Smith.

- Thank you, sir.

Ye gods. What's that?

It's a Jerry, sir.

What?

It's a leg, sir.

Well, get rid of it, man.

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