Oh! What A Lovely War Page #4

across the platform!

Come on, come on!

Double round the back there!

I said dress off from the left!

Some of you don't know

your left from your right!

Carry him gently, boys.

Don't worry.

We'll soon have you back at the front.

You're like a load of pregnant women!

Blimey, if this is the way

you've been carrying on out there,

we ain't got no chance!

Hey, you! Pay attention, will you?

You're back in Blighty now!

And I want to see

you set some good examples!

A couple of days with you lot,

we'll soon whip you into some shape.

We want some spit and polish here.

We're going out in a minute,

marching off.

We're going down the street,

you'd better look lively.

Right. Get your stretcher party

moving, Corporal.

Now, get a move on!

- Stretcher party, ready.

- Right, now pull yourselves together.

Form up in two ranks on the left!

Come along!

Party, attention!

Left turn!

By the right!

Quick march!

Pack up your troubles

in your old kit bag

Come on, now! Pick 'em up!

Quit smiling!

Smile, smile, smile

While you've a lucifer to light your fag

Smile, boys, that's the style

What's the use of worrying

It never was won'thwhile

So pack up your troubles

in your old kit bag

And smile, smile, smile

Read all about it!

First wounded boys home from France!

Read all about it!

Thank you.

I'm so glad it's real champagne.

So many of even the best people

give one cider nowadays.

I'm not using my German wine,

not while the war's on.

I think that's

a splendid gesture, Stephen.

I say, isn't that Olivia?

Doesrt she look adorable?

That black dress is stunning.

So many women

simply look depressing in mourning.

Now, come along, Elenor.

Come along, come along.

It is a bit rotten, you know,

all those chaps getting killed

and all that sort of thing.

Not at all.

The men at the front

simply adore the war.

I had a letter from Julian the other day.

- Oh?

- Champagne, sir.

He said it's like a great big picnic.

Nobody grumbles at him

for getting dirty.

Oh, dear.

Not a bit like Christmas, is it?

No. It's awfully dull.

Father's business has had

the most frightful knock.

We'd all agreed

that the French and Germans

shouldn't touch

the iron ore works in Alsace-Lorraine,

until some idiot French pilot

goes and drops a bomb.

Oh, dear. That is too bad.

What happened?

He got court-martialled.

- Splendid.

- Yeah.

We're hoping to get

the contracts for tin hats.

The whole army has to have them.

How nice.

I thought of asking Nanny

to knit something,

- you know, mittens and things.

- That's a good idea.

We sent a parcel to the chauffeur's son.

Some Benger's Food,

a tinder box, compass

and some nerve tonic.

- How very nice.

- Yeah, I thought so.

Do look.

Bleeding Benger's Food

and nerve tonic again?

Well, you shouldn't

have thanked him for the last lot.

"In the actual battle zone,

"phosphorine gives

immediate relief and freedom

"from the severe exhaustion

"and steady loss of nerve force

"which occurs

when under constant shellfire."

Hey, what's up with you?

Have you got company?

Yeah, you know last time I went down

to that delousing station,

all they did was stick

a hot iron over my trousers.

I came out with more than I went in with.

You wrote another one, then?

- Yeah.

- Well, give us a read of it.

"If I should die, think only this of me

"That there's some corner

of a foreign field

"That is forever England

There shall be

"In that rich earth

a richer dust concealed

"A dust whom England bore,

shaped, made aware

"Gave, once, her flowers to love

"her ways to roam

"A body of England's

breathing English air

"Washed by the rivers

blessed by sons of home"

Hey, Mac. Will you listen to that?

Yeah. They're copping it

down Railway Wood tonight.

No. That's Hill 60.

No, not that. Listen.

What is it?

Singing.

It's those Welsh bastards

in the next trench.

No. That's Jerry.

That's an hymn.

No, it's a carol.

They sing well for a lot of bastards,

don't they?

Sing up, Jerry. I cannae hear ye.

Put a sock in it. Let's listen.

Nice, wasrt it?

Very nice, matey!

Hello, Tommy!

Hello, Tommy!

He heard you.

Hello!

Eh?

How are you?

I'm very well, thank you.

Good night!

Happy Christmas!

Well, there's another day gone.

- Hey, it's Christmas.

- Not today.

Tomorrow, you great goonie.

I forgot it was Christmas.

Tommy! Tommy!

He doesn't give up, does he?

What's the matter?

It is for you now

to sing us a good song

for Christmas, ja?

- Ja!

- Ja.

Who's going to sing, then?

Give them up one of yours, Garbett.

Aye, give them yours, Ben.

It was Christmas day in the cookhouse

The happiest day of the year

Mers hearts were full of gladness

And their bellies full of beer

When up spoke Private Shorthouse

His face as bold as brass

Saying, 'We don't want

your Christmas pudding

'You can stick it up your... '

Tidings of comfort and joy

Comfort and joy

Oh, tidings of comfort and joy

It was Christmas day in the harem

The eunuchs were standing round

And hundreds of beautiful women

Were stretched out on the ground

When in came the bold, bad Sultan

And gazed on his marble halls

Saying, 'What do you want

for Christmas, boys? '

And the eunuchs answered...

Tidings of comfort and joy

Comfort and joy

Oh, tidings of comfort and joy

Bravo, Tommy!

English carols is very beautiful.

Hey, Tommy.

Hey, are you still there?

- Aye!

- Yeah!

You drink with us, ja?

- Ja!

- Ja!

You like some good

deutschen Schnaps?

- That's whisky.

- Yes!

Sling it over!

Tomorrow we meet you in the middle!

Aye, the middle of Piccadilly.

It's funny to hear them speak in English.

Yeah, well, they learned it

all at school, didn't they?

See you in the penalty area!

Happy Christmas!

- Happy Christmas.

- Aye, happy Christmas.

Good night, Jerry.

Ta.

Jim?

Cocoa.

Ooch, ta.

Hey, Jack.

Hey!

Hello, Tommy.

About bloody time, too.

That's good stuff, Jerry.

Aye. Thank you very much.

Fritz.

How are you, Fritz?

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

How's the Kaiser?

Freuter.

How do you do? Hawkins.

Do you know when the war will end?

After our spring offensive,

I should think.

- How are your trenches?

- Terrible.

Not fit for pigs.

When it rains,

we're up to our knees in mud and water.

Arert you sick of the war?

Before the war, I was staying in Suffolk,

and I left there a three-and-one-half

horsepower motorcycle.

And also a girl.

Hey, do you hear that?

This chap's got a girlfriend in Suffolk.

You can send her a message,

telling her that I am all right over here.

I mean, I will write name

and address for you.

I suppose it's all right.

Cigarette?

Are they Virginian?

Aye. Straight cut.

Ah, nein, danke. I only smoke Turkish.

Have a cigar.

Thank you.

We will not ever shoot again,

unless you start.

Do you hear that?

That will suit us, man, I can tell you.

Here. We'll drink to that.

That is Scottish schnapps.

This is your guns that are shooting?

No. It's the bastard English, not us.

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