Oh! What A Lovely War Page #3

A million!

- Be a man! Enlist today!

- Enlist today!

Have you a man digging your garden

when he should be digging trenches?

He should be digging trenches!

Are there any able-bodied men

in the house?

'Cause on Saturday I'm willing

if you'll only take the shilling

To make a man of any one of you

Now, you heard

what the lovely lady said!

- We need a million of you!

- Able-bodied men.

Come along, my lucky lads!

Take the King's shilling.

We'll make a man of you!

- I'll turn you into a man.

- Give you the time of your life!

I'll give you the time of your life.

We'll give you the time of your life!

A kiss! A kiss from this lovely lady

for the first man to volunteer!

You, sir! How about you, sir?

That's right, sir! Why, step forward!

Step forward now!

That's right, my lucky lad!

Maudie!

Come on, lads! You heard what I said!

We need a million of you!

Well done, my boy. Proud of you.

Proud of you.

All right, dear. Lil!

Hold on to him, love.

That's right, boys! Up you come!

Three more! Get on stage! Get up!

You, sir!

Make your girlfriend proud of you.

Be a hero and step forward, sir.

Thank you, sir.

One young lady still left unescorted.

You, sir! You may be fat and 40, sir,

but your country needs you.

Come and join the army!

'Cause on Saturday I'm willing

if you'll only take the shilling

To make a man of any one of you

To make a man of any one of you

What are you up to?

Get back into line,

you horrible little man, you.

And all of you,

from now on,

your bloody life won't be won'th living!

And you won't bloody die

laughing, either!

Now, then...

Party,

attention!

Quite right, lad.

We've just crossed the Belgian border.

We should be arriving in Mons

in about two hours' time.

Now, see that?

The commanders

of the British expeditionary force,

Field Marshal Sir John French,

General Sir Henry Wilson.

Off to a big conference,

more than likely.

I must confess,

I'm not looking forward to this meeting.

What do you think

the French will say, sir,

when they hear

we only have four divisions

- instead of the six we promised?

- They can say what they like.

Damn it all, Wilson,

we're not under any obligation

to help the French.

We've got our own war to fight.

What?

Yes, well, I've no doubt

that they will appreciate

our point of view.

One must always remember

the class of people

these French generals come from.

They're mostly tradesmen, I believe.

I shart understand

a damn word they say anyway.

In regard to our plan, sir,

I've actually worked out

the number of gun carriages

we shall need for the first stage

and even the amount of forage

for the horses.

Would you care to see the figures?

Well, I thought,

considering the terrain...

Yes, yes. We know all about your

bicycling trips through France, Wilson.

I realise it's a bit late, sir,

but do you think

I should try to arrange for an interpreter

to help us out at the conference?

Don't be ridiculous, Wilson!

The most vital consideration

at the moment

is to maintain absolute secrecy.

Well, I never seen one of them before.

I think I've won a prize.

- So have I.

- You have, my lad.

So have you all.

Left turn! Quick march!

Right then! Three shots for tuppence!

Come on, lad. How about you?

That's right. And what about you, lad?

Come on, step up.

Three shots for tuppence.

- That's the ticket, Jack, lad.

- Right, don't fire the gun till I tell you.

Get a good grip, firm and steady.

The British riflemars the best

in the world.

No, don't jerk.

Squeeze the trigger.

That's right.

Steady now.

- Don't blink, lad.

- Don't blink, lad.

- Left eye shut.

- Left eye shut.

- Pick your targets carefully.

- Pick your targets carefully.

Don't fire till you hear my command!

Right, lads. Enemy in front, 400 yards.

Five rounds! Rapid fire!

Cease fire!

Stand down.

Smith! Stand to until relieved.

Yes, sir.

Listen to this.

"In this new experience,

you may find temptation

"both in wine and women.

You must resist both.

"Order to the troops. Signed, Kitchener,

"Secretary of bleeding State."

- Hot, isn't it, Sergeant?

- It'll be hotter still tomorrow, lad.

They've pulled out

the Suffolks and the Warwicks

and most of the rest of the corps.

We'll make your mother proud

of you yet.

What's happened to the French Army?

The French Army's

nothing to do with us, laddie.

We ain't asking any help from them,

and they ain't getting any help from us,

even though they've asked.

So, we shall be here on our own then?

Well, someone's got to look

after the shop, haven't they?

Here they come again! Fix bayonets!

Hold your fire, hold your fire. Wait for it.

Pick your target at 300 yards!

Wagstaff, you horrible little wretch!

I'll tell you when!

I wish somebody would tell me

what's happening.

Send for the boys of the girls' brigade

To set old England free

Send for me brother

Me sister or me mother

But for God's sake, don't send me

Enemy in front!

Five rounds, rapid fire!

Wounded home from France!

First boys back from Mons!

Read all about it!

Careful, now.

Read all about it!

Watch it, lads. Careful does it.

Nurse!

Come on, let's have you outside.

Outside!

- Look lively with that crutch, Spinks.

- It can't bring itself, can it?

Come on! On your feet!

- No flags, then, Sarge?

- Very comical, Burgess.

- Sergeant!

- Yes, lad?

Oh, just smell that soot, boys.

Lovely.

Right now, smarten yourselves up!

Eyes front!

Attention!

Thank you, Sergeant Dodds.

Stand the men at ease.

Stand at ease! Carry on.

Ambulances are ready, Sarge.

Officers only.

What about the other ranks?

No arrangements made for them

at the moment, sir.

We'll be all right, sir.

Transport's this way, sir,

if you care to follow me.

- Carry on, Sergeant.

- Sir.

Nearly home, George.

Hello, Smith. Sorry about your leg.

- Are you all right?

- It's better than being at Mons, eh, sir?

- Yes. Good journey home?

- Yes, thank you, sir.

Good. Chin up, then.

See you back at the front.

Now, gently. Gently. Stretcher down...

You're wasting your time

with him, darling.

It's in splints.

- That's enough of that.

- What about us, then, Sarge?

I'm awaiting further orders.

Will you sign this, please, Sergeant?

We're here because

we're here because

We're here because we're here

We're here because

we're here because

We're here because we're here

All right, all right, all right.

How about getting the train back,

then, Sarge?

You'll get back soon enough, lad.

You'll get back soon enough, lad.

- Hooray. Mafeking's been relieved.

- I'll have you, Burgess.

- What is it, Corporal?

- It's all right, Sarge.

Some lorry drivers have volunteered

to take the men

to Millbank Hospital in their dinner hour.

Right, get them fell in.

I'll have a word with the RTO.

- Right you are, Sergeant.

- Right!

You heard what the Sergeant said.

Get yourselves fell in!

Dontemann, Gray!

Fall in as markers!

The rest of you men,

dress off from the left in two lines,

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