Old Dogs Page #2

You know, maybe she hasn't

moved on either.

- Well, you can't do it.

- Why?

Because we're in the middle

of our biggest deal ever,

and you don't have the time.

She lives in Vermont. It's perfect.

Start of a long-distance relationship.

You get six to nine months

of the spa weekends,

late-night phone calls.

I'd still have my days free to work.

She wants to meet me

at Grand Central Station,

and I don't know what

I'm supposed to wear.

It's not formal, obviously,

it's a train station,

but do I wear a sport coat,

or coat and tie...

You can wear a sports coat,

but you're not going like that.

- Why?

- 'Cause you look like an albino.

This is his first time, so you can see

his complexion is ghost-like.

- What do you think of the El Tropical?

- Perfect beginner's tan.

- Oh, great.

- Yeah. Let's go!

- You all set?

- Oh, yeah.

- I'm ready. Alrighty, let's do this.

- Um... so...

Face forward, press the red button,

spray lasts ten seconds.

Keep your eyes closed and call me

on the intercom when you're done.

OK.

Eyes closed. She wanted a golden god,

she's going to get one.

Whoa, um...

HAL?

I definitely think that the tan line

accentuates the look, don't you?

- Uh-huh. Sexy.

- Mmm.

I'm gonna start now.

Whoa!

One... Whoa!

Two. Three. Four. Five. Six.

Seven. Eight. Nine. OK!

Hello!

I'm finished!

Be there in a sec.

So, do you, like, really know Shaq?

- Whose numbers are those?

- Oh, my gosh.

We have a problem here!

- Shaq! Yeah, Charlie.

- It's not turning off!

- Tell him your name.

- Shaq? Hi, it's Kelly.

Anybody out there?

Do you remember me?

I went to one of your games.

Help!

Yeah. I don't know who

you were playing against, but...

I have an emergency here!

Help!

Just relax. Be there in a sec.

Help!

- A tanning emergency?

- Newbies.

Keep the heat kind of medium...

Throw a little bit of butter, and...

Westbound local

now arriving on track two.

Westbound local now arriving.

I'm from Hoboken.

What am I, the United Nations?

This is crazy.

Look, Mom,

it's an Oompa-Loompa.

I'm an Oompa-Loompa. I can't do this!

- Excuse me...

- Dan?

Vicki?

- Wow!

- Hey!

- I mean, hi!

- Hi.

Look at you! You're so tan.

Yeah. Yeah.

Boca. Volleyball, and...

Look at you. You're hot!

- Thanks, Tan.

- Dan.

- I mean, Dan.

- I'm Tan Dan.

I got us a table upstairs.

- Let's eat. Yeah.

- Shall we?

- Thank you.

- Oh!

I really don't know where to start, Dan.

But...

I need to share it with...

Stop... in the name of love.

Look, seven years ago,

we made magic happen.

But it was bad timing.

Now, we'll take it super slow,

there'll be no outside distractions.

Just us. I, um...

I'm ready to put these back together.

All I need is your half.

- I'm going to jail.

- What?

Tomorrow. Two weeks for trespassing.

- Why?

- A chemical company wanted

to build a plant that would've

drained into a stream near my house.

So I kind of chained myself

to a bulldozer

and burned the blueprints to the plant.

Look at you.

You're a political activist.

Well, I had ulterior motives.

- You're... Career politician?

- My kids.

Zach and Emily play near that stream.

Kids.

You know, I just never thought that...

You... you'd be attached. But...

Actually, I'm a single mom.

You kidder!

- Twins!

- Ouch!

Yeah. They think I'm going

to a spa named Westford Farms.

Whoops!

You remember my best friend,

Jenna, from South Beach.

- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah, the hand model.

They're staying with her.

She's like family.

You got so much going on, girl.

It just blows my mind.

That's good, because there's

one other small detail.

- What is it?

- Daddy!

You guys weren't supposed

to be back for 45 minutes!

I'm... Da... Da...

Oh! Hey, look who's panicking again.

He does not look good.

I'm calling the paramedics.

No! I'm OK.

Guys, would you give us

a minute? Please.

Dan, I got your letter six months ago,

and I won't lie, it threw me for a loop.

I was completely ready to go it alone.

But here was this...

...12-page, single-spaced letter

from the father of my kids,

and suddenly

I had to ask if I was being selfish.

Then three weeks ago,

we were in Friday's for dinner,

and Zach had to go to the bathroom,

and as I was taking him

to the ladies' room

for the umpteenth time...

...I realized, he's never

even been in a men's room.

- Really?

- My kids are seven. They have a father.

So I thought, maybe it's time

they got to know who he is.

I have to confess, I've always been

a little awkward around children.

But I guess, if they're your own,

it's a different ballgame.

Well, we got a few hours to kill

while Jenna goes out on a hand audition.

- Let's find out.

- OK.

But first, what do you say

we get rid of that ridiculous tan?

I know a few family secrets.

- You don't like it?

- I'm sorry, do you like it?

- Not at all.

- OK.

- How's your face feel?

- Oh, pretty much everything.

- Come on, Dad!

- Oh, no.

Not the spinning one.

That's a recipe for disaster.

Hey, Dad? Want to see my

Five Favorite Food lists?

Oh, I'd love to, Z. Thanks.

- Zach likes to make lists.

- I love lists.

- Hot wings and milkshakes.

- Chocolate?

Oh, no, it gives me diarrhea.

I mean, stomach problems

and frequent gas-spasms.

- Oh.

- I have to go to the bathroom.

Oh, OK.

Hang on. Can you watch Emily?

- Sure.

- I want to go to the men's room.

With me?

OK.

You're pretty old. How come

you don't have any other kids?

Well, um...

Initially, it was kind of a...

You do know where kids

come from, right?

- Yeah, sure.

- Can you tell me?

Well, um...

In nature, the male and

the female of the species, uh,

in what some have called the

"dance of springtime," you know...

It's complicated.

Do I just stand here?

My mom usually waits outside.

I'll bet she does. I'm out of here.

OK.

- Ooh! You're early.

- Hi, hon!

I can do my hand cream later. Hi!

- Hi, Aunt Jenna!

- Hi.

Hi, Zach. Hello, Emily!

I booked it!

- I gotta go potty.

- All right. Lemonade inside!

- OK, I got them.

- I got the bags.

- No, no, it's all right...

- No, please.

Oh!

Oh, no! I got it.

OK, I got it.

No, wait. No, please don't.

- Oh, my God.

- Breathe! Breathe!

Oh, sorry!

Oh...

She's gonna be fine. She's a fighter.

She looks good. You look good, hon.

Can you hand me my cell phone?

I have to call my agent.

All right. Here we go. Here it is, hon.

- Do you want help?

- No, no.

I'm going to give you a minute.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, God! What am I gonna do?

Come on, you're a great gal. You must

have plenty of friends you could call.

That I could trust

with my kids for two weeks?

This is a disaster!

I don't have anybody else!

That's not true.

No, no. You have me.

I'll do it. I'll take the kids.

I'll do it.

- I will.

- Really?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, yeah, see?

This is good.

This is a good thing.

- Do you know anybody else?

- No, just me.

And then suddenly,

you're supposed to take care of twins

when we have the biggest deal ever?

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