Old Dogs Page #3

Aw, Dan!

I put their aunt in a halo for a month!

What am I supposed to do?

You're supposed to give them back!

They got 24 hours!

- They'll find another baby-sitter!

- I can't give them back!

They're my kids. It's not like puppies.

"Take them back."

- Let's break it down. It's two weeks.

- OK.

- Yeah.

- All right, let's see. We got, uh...

They sleep 10, 12 hours, right, a day?

- If you're lucky.

- You've got TV.

You've got bathroom time.

You give them a lot of timeouts.

You know what?

You're looking at about 90 minutes

of being a dad a day.

Ninety minutes?

It's a run-out-the-clock

situation, that's all.

- It's not sudden death.

- You'll be fine.

- Ha! We can do this.

- "We?" No, no.

You are on Planet Dan now, baby.

I'm down here on Earth,

just cheering you on.

You started this, remember? You're

the one who took me down to Florida.

"Mr. Feel-good" is gonna

teach me how to live.

I wasn't alone then,

I'm not gonna be alone now, OK?

So, tomorrow morning, 7:30, I want you

outside your apartment ready to go.

Because if I'm going to be

an old dad for two weeks,

you're going to be "Uncle Charlie."

Well, I don't want to

take care of the kids!

For both of them, I've packed

enough clothes for every occasion.

- That everything?

- Yeah.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Me, too.

Here's the number for

the poison control center.

- Poison control?

- Do you need a list of poisons?

No, I think most of them I know.

I should have compiled a list

of commonly ingested poisons!

I'm not going to poison our

children. They're in safe hands.

- Have you ever been to a casino?

- No.

- Have you ever seen the movie Casino?

- No.

OK, there are only pay phones

in the common room,

so I will call you on your cell phone.

- OK.

- And no baby-sitters.

Please, Dan.

They've gone seven years without a dad.

Promise me you will not

leave them with strangers.

- No strangers. Check.

- Dan! Vicki!

The kids have never seen

Friday the 13th, part one or two!

- Oh, my God!

- He's kidding. He's a kidder.

He was scared of

The Wizard of Oz. He's kidding.

The monkeys got him nuts.

- Oh, and one more thing.

- I'm up for it.

Well, Emily has kind of concocted

this idea that you're a superhero.

Oh. Why?

Well, it was her way of

explaining where you were,

and it seemed harmless enough to me.

- What are my powers?

- You can stop bullets and you can fly.

- Bulletproof and flying.

- One... Two... Three!

- Ooh!

- Whoa!

- Oh, gosh, I gotta go.

- OK.

I'm going to miss them so much.

OK...

Promise me...

You will devote every ounce of

your being to taking care of them, Dan.

I promise.

- Promise me.

- I promise.

- So, you're not a superhero?

- Not at the present time.

Want to pick up the pace, Chachi?

We just got passed by a street sweeper.

How about putting it in drive, grandma?

There are babies on board!

Excuse me, kids.

Ooh... Who's up for

chocolate chip pancakes?

- Me! Me!

- No chocolate chips for breakfast.

- Why not?

- Kids crave limits. It's in the books.

Hey everybody, let's kick this off

with some really healthy choices.

How about the heartland granola?

That's like nature's broom!

That's kind of wonderful.

Hey! Whoa!

- Sorry.

- It's OK, Zach.

- Here you go.

- It's an accident.

That kind of thing happens.

You have nothing to worry about.

- Hi there. How are you?

- Hi.

- Good.

- Well, hello.

- What's your name?

- Rochelle.

Oh, Rochelle.

Well, I didn't know they could

afford to hire supermodels here.

Hey, Pops?

Isn't being a grandparent the best?

I'm not a grandparent.

My grandkids call me "Nub-Nub."

What do your grandkids call you?

Nub-Nub's good.

Attention, Pamela's diners.

We've just been informed we have two

new members to the grandparents' club.

Hey! Seniors, seniors, seniors!

Enjoy the grand buffet!

Seniors, seniors, seniors!

We hope you're here to stay!

Seniors, seniors, seniors!

We like to make a fuss!

Seniors, seniors, seniors,

every tenth meal is

On us!

- Seniors, seniors, seniors...

- I'll be right back.

Rochelle, Rochelle... I don't know

what happened back there.

Just a little too much

excitement for me.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no.

This is just an accident.

Don't worry. It's nothing

to be embarrassed about.

- I'm not embarrassed.

- I'll get you something.

It's a glass of water, that's all.

One glass of water

gets my pump going, too.

Uh-huh. Uh...

Also, please tell them

we are very focused

on the golf game with Mr. Nishamura.

Write that on your resume?

"Oh, I pop bubble paper."

- Would you handle them?

- We want to Xerox our butts.

Will you excuse me for one moment?

Get off there. I'm sorry, Dan.

- What are you, a frat boy?

- I got your phone.

- Timeout.

- Ah! Timeout.

- Give that back! Yes.

- Keep-away? Are we doing this?

Toss it to me, Emily!

Toss it to me!

Your Japanese is so terrific.

- You speak Japanese?

- Well, no.

But I don't have to speak Japanese

to see how beautiful

you are when you speak it.

Don't go out there! Don't go out there!

Come back this way.

- Yeah, I'm their favorite uncle.

- How old are they?

- How old do you think they are?

- Um...

- Seven?

- Seven! Yeah. You're good.

- Fraternal twins?

- Is there any other kind?

Oh, jeez. When you're around

kids as much as I am,

you got to develop a sense of humor.

- But it's rewarding, too.

- Hmm...

Do you like the beach,

"favorite uncle" Charlie?

Love!

Why don't you come

to Westport on Saturday.

I'm going to meet some friends

at their beach house.

You can even bring

your niece and nephew.

Well, I just may do that,

"beautiful translator" Amanda.

Go camping,

learn how to ride a two-wheeler,

my first pro baseball game,

refinish a deck and surfing.

That's my Dad List.

That sounds great.

Pull up your hoods, OK?

- Put these on, all right?

- Why?

Technically, you're not supposed

to be here, let alone living here.

But we're going to have

a lot of fun. Let's go.

Dan?

Ooh! Betty. Hide! Go, go!

- Dan, is that you?

- Hey, Betty!

- Hi! You are looking good.

- You, too, baby.

What's all that racket?

I don't know. Maybe immigrants.

I'm not sure.

Raccoons, most likely.

No... Oh, my God, I see kids!

- No, these are my...

- I see kids!

Why don't you put them in a hotel?

They would love room service.

They'd also love a spa,

but we can't... Don't run! Careful!

- Don't touch that!

- Easy. Slow down! No running!

Watch out! A lot of expensive things...

- Are you out of your mind?

- Why?

Come on!

Listen. You're the one

that forced me into that place.

- I cajoled you, I cajoled you.

- Don't give me semantics.

Look, they're going upstairs now!

This is my crib, man!

This is where I get down.

This is where I sink the three points.

This is where I throw the TD.

This isn't for kids, man.

Look, that pool out there,

that's got a 15-foot deep end.

Look at this place! I got

pointy-edged furniture. I got...

Those spears probably

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