Old Dogs Page #4

still have poison on them.

You don't want them in this house.

I do not lead a child-safe life, man!

It is not... not how I roll. You know?

Charlie...

- I'm barely treading water here.

- Aw, don't...

I don't know these kids very long,

but I'm still their dad.

And they need a home. And so do I.

Right now,

you're the closest thing we got.

Thanks, bro. You're the best.

OK. You went emotional and it paid off.

- Good.

- This time.

OK.

Oh, it's Vicki! Kids!

Well, first everybody thought

Dad was our grandpa.

Then he pretty much worked

the rest of the day.

"Everything is fine."

And he did say he was going to do

the first thing on Zach's Dad List.

That sounds promising. See?

This is gonna be great.

Here's Dad.

Hey, Vic. Didn't she sound wonderful?

- How's everything going?

- I'm OK.

Don't you worry a moment

about how things are going here

because everything's going great.

OK, you guys... lights out.

OK.

Alrighty. There you go.

- You have your creature? Good.

- I do.

- You OK?

- Mm-hm.

Good night.

I just shook my daughter's hand

good night.

I'm no good at this, Charlie.

Come on. You're trying.

That's what matters.

Thanks.

They are cute, though.

Yeah. They are when they're

in a... dormant configuration.

Whoo-wee! Look at this, Nick!

- Ready for the other one?

- Don't get drill happy.

No, no, no. It's all good.

Hey!

- What are you doing?

- Sir, it's cool.

That's Nick and I'm Gary.

We're the childproofers.

- Really?

- I'm going to need access

to all your personal drawers and stuff.

- Dan! Dan! Did you do this?

- Charlie!

- Oh, yeah.

- Did you bring them in?

- Definitely.

- Why?

You described this house as being

a dangerous place for kids,

so I hired the best

childproofers there are.

The tall guy over there,

he was a civil engineer.

What kind of a civil engineer

would be baby-proofing a house?

Failed one, sir,

I'm a failed civil engineer.

I got a lot of bad road

behind me. Lot of potholes.

That's why I'm going to be extra

vigilant in protecting your children.

They're seven. And they're his kids.

- That's true.

- That's progressive,

- and I'm all for it.

- Oh, come on!

Even I know you do not baby-proof

a house for seven-year-olds.

- Oh!

- What about the 15-foot deep end?

Sir, you got a flamethrower

for a fireplace.

- It's a fashion. It's a style.

- The spears?

What guy buys poison-tipped spears?

A thousand years ago they were poison.

I don't know if they're poison now.

You bought those a thousand years ago?

- Expect me to believe that?

- You designed this house of horrors.

You brought the kids to this house.

Stop it! Don't eat that.

Those are dog treats.

Everything tastes like dog food

after that smoked salmon I just had.

You ate the salmon?

- That was a gift.

- Yes, it was.

- You guys better pack.

- Pack?

- Why are you dressed like that?

- What do we pack for?

Camping.

That's first on my Dad List.

And we're Pioneers, so you

have to find the nearest campground.

We have 50 files of Nishamura

work to do before Saturday.

Guys, camping...

I don't think we can do it.

- But you promised!

- I know I promised,

but I didn't realize camping involved a

camping trip, and we have to reschedule.

- But you promised.

- Sometimes promises

- aren't written in stone.

- But you promised!

We've been a Pioneer family

for four generations now.

I practically grew up in these woods

following Grandpa Ted.

Gramps was troop leader 63 years ago,

and was the recipient of the

supreme Pioneer honor.

Interred for eternity...

...in a tomb erected with his own hands,

right here on this...

on this very campsite.

Not in front of the kids.

Hey. Hey. Psst.

Hey! You remind me of that

old dude who stole my girlfriend.

- What?

- I promised myself...

Yeah, you. You! Mr. Wall-of-Hair.

Rick, you're a counselor here.

This is sacred ground.

- Something I got to tell you.

- The Pioneers have meant

the world to the Taylor clan.

That's who I am.

Troop leader. Patriot. TSA supervisor.

And dad. I am Barry Taylor.

Gentlemen, why don't we

put down the electronic devices,

and try to get into it a little bit?

Hmm? After all...

we're here for the kids.

Fine.

Sorry.

Here for the kids?

What's he talking about?

OK, kids. Who wants to have some fun?

Yeah!

Let's go dig a hole.

- What's your problem?

- How about we go dig a hole.

He's giving me the stink eye.

You thief. I loved her.

I loved her so much.

- What are you saying?

- My beef is not with you, old woman.

Thank you.

- OK, now I got it.

- He has a lot.

Hey, Zach, Emily.

Why don't you get your grandpa

to leave the office...

...and come over here

and join us in the woods?

He's not our grandpa, he's our dad.

Sure, Zach. My grandpa

was like a dad to me, too.

He is, Troop Master Barry.

He's my dad, and that's his partner.

- It's like we have two dads!

- Just found out.

Trust me. It was a surprise.

- Been together 30 years.

- Feels like 50.

- Oh, well...

- We're soul mates, really.

You must have a best buddy.

Yeah. A pal?

Someone you can...

- Fine.

- Take care.

- Loner.

- Loner.

- Loser!

- Loser.

- No bears allowed.

- Thank you, Troop Master Barry.

- Thanks.

- No trouble at all, kids.

You ladies ready to play

a little Ultimate Frisbee?

- I think so, Mr. Testosterone.

- Yeah.

Ultimate Frisbee?

That's our game.

- Let's do this for our kids, huh?

- Yeah!

Come on, man. Let's do it.

Yeah, for the kids. Yeah, baby.

All right, let's do this.

Sports marketing!

Sports marketing! Yeah!

Make the deal. Get them!

- That's bear scat, gentlemen.

- Yeah... Yeah, it is.

- Dad?

- Yeah?

I think "scat" is poop.

- Really, son?

- Yeah.

- You wiped poop on my face?

- Yeah.

Scat happens, man.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight...

Aah...

Go long!

Yes! Yeah, baby!

Barry! I'm over here, I'm open!

- Hey!

- I'm open!

- Oh!

- Get...

- Sorry.

- Ow, my gums!

You get your wingman to fight

your battles for you?

- I didn't take your woman.

- I'm a man.

- I don't know your woman!

- First you steal Janice Applebaum.

- You're confused!

- Then you steal my soul.

- What?

- Now it's on, smiley.

Prison rules!

- Prison rules?

- Oh, boy.

Whoo!

Come on, Dad. You can get up.

Never mind.

Back, back, back, back.

Time out.

Ah!

Get off of me!

Stay down, gentle warrior.

Ooh...

Pull.

- Textbook double bull's eye.

- Nice, Barry.

That's how you get yourself a chest

full of merit patches. Anyone else?

Pull!

- Barry...

- I said... pull!

My bad!

No!

- Grandpa Ted!

- We should get our merit patches

- just for being his kids.

- Sorry! How bad is it?

- Bad!

- OK.

As a result of your

little outdoor adventure,

I just want you to know

that my sciatica has flared up,

and I stink like a steakhouse.

- So thanks.

- Oh, you're welcome.

Don't mind the fact that I took

a three-day camping trip

and shortened it to nine hours.

- I made fire! Wow!

Rate this script:4.0 / 1 vote