Once Upon a Time in Venice Page #5

that was a lot easier...

Than I thought it would be.

Thank you, uh, gracias.

Oh, he spit that pit

on your floor.

Uh, you know what, that is

legitimately all I needed...

To know, so... all right...

I'm gonna let you keep that and

thank you so much for your time.

You can actually have the beer,

that's for you, my tip. Thanks.

Be careful! She plays mind

games.

Okay.

Takes hours to respond to texts.

Oh, hello.

One of the most annoying things

is that she'll make plans...

And then cancel them, day of.

She'll invite you over to watch

a movie and then...

Just wanna watch a movie!

Uh... okay.

Oh, and she's a Capricorn.

Okay, I really, I gotta get

going.

Yo, if you find her, tell her

Rigaberto is thinking about her.

I will. Good day, gentlemen.

John so, after my

stellar detective work...

I pointed Steve in the

direction...

Of the Hollywood premiere

motel...

Where Consuela was known

to frequent.

Damn! Oh my god.

Hey, baby, I'm mocha.

You looking for a date?

I... uh... I don't think so.

What... you some kind of fag

or something, sweetie?

No! What would... how...

Mocha, maybe you could help me.

Have you seen this girl

right here?

What kind of Annie Oakley

bullshit is that?

Some kind of bullshit Knott's

Berry farm picture.

I don't know.

Well, that one's Lupe,

I've seen her.

Room 216.

You didn't see a little dog,

too, did you?

Oh, that dog's got some

bowel problems.

He doesn't have any bowel

problems...

Well, he shits f***in'

everywhere!

It's a nervous disorder.

Whatever.

Now, if you change your mind...

Mocha will turn you out.

I will noodle on that.

Oh, I'm gonna noodle on you.

Trust me.

You cute.

Okay, so, it is 8:36 P.M.

I've got my stakeout provisions

acquired...

I am headed to the lookout

spot right now.

Time to kick the tires

and light the fire.

Hey.

Hey.

John, right?

Yeah, hi...

Hi.

I'm John, my name's John. Hello.

I know, we've met.

I just said your name.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I remember you,

I'm just, uh...

I'm not used to

people remembering me.

Well, how could I forget a guy

who followed me...

Down a dark alley?

I should have finished the job,

killed you there.

Sorry, I wouldn't kill you.

By the way, were you just

talking to yourself?

Yeah... no... no, I was talking

into my phone here.

I take field notes.

Cool.

Yeah.

So, are you following

someone tonight?

Uh... actually, yes.

I probably shouldn't be

mentioning this...

But, yeah, I got a pretty sweet

case going on.

I'm following a graffiti artist

by the name of Salvatore Lopez.

Salvatore Lopez?

Could be "Salvator",

I don't really know.

I love him.

You do? You know him?

Yeah, of course, he's like

the Banksy of Venice.

Right.

I would love to see what

he looks like.

You and me both.

Do you want some company?

Yes, but you know it's just...

I mean, it's a stakeout,

it's sitting in a car.

I don't mind.

Okay. You have a very low bar

for a fun evening.

Okay, my turn.

F***, marry, kill,

Ellen Degeneres...

Oprah or Kelly Ripa?

Okay, uh, well, I'd f*** Oprah,

because she's beautiful.

She's a national treasure and if

I do it right, I'll get a car!

Look under your seats!

Then I guess I'd marry Ellen...

Mm-hm.

Just because of the sense

of humor...

You gotta want that in a wife.

And she's got an endless supply

of sneakers and suits.

That's true.

And will dance the day away.

And then, I guess, I'd have to

kill Kelly. Sweet, sweet Ripa.

Only because, that's the nature

of the game...

And someone's gotta die.

Hm.

It would probably scar me

for life...

It would ruin my marriage,

with Ellen, so...

That's fair.

It's so crazy to me that you,

uh...

That you know Salvatore

Lopez, that's...

Yeah, he's great, I mean, I love

the way he combines...

The Japanese theory of Shuko

with a street-style aesthetic.

Yes, yes.

Plus, his intimate knowledge

with the male anatomy.

It's very sensual.

And the way the veins follow

your eyes.

Yeah, yeah.

And the scrotal shading.

Shut up.

You know, you're kind of cute.

Well, I've been told I'm a bit

of a young Roger Daltrey...

If he spent a lot of time

with computers.

Oh, John...

Oh, Nola...

Ooh, it's my little noodle.

Hey. Mm-mm. Ladies.

I like watching you walk away.

Buddy! Aw, man, come on.

There you go.

Did you miss me?

Aw, come here, pal...

Take a little rest.

What do you think you're doing

in my girl Lupe's room?

Dog Walker... they didn't

tell you?

You don't look like no dog

Walker to me.

Really?

That's all you got, baby?

See, I came to this town

with a dream...

Make-up artist to all the

stars and sh*t.

Then I got side-tracked

when I met Henry.

He was sweet as molasses.

He took good care of me.

Loved me for what I was.

Good man like that's

hard to find.

Don't I know it, girl.

What happened to him?

Oh, I killed him.

There... what do you think,

sugar?

I feel really special.

Yeah, I knew you would.

Whew! You know what I think

is next?

A ride home?

We gonna have to give you

a shave, baby.

I'll be right back.

Come on, sweetness, let's move

little doggie to the bathroom...

Before it shits all

over the bed.

Gonna have some fun...

Mm-mm-mm.

Now, don't be wiggling

around on me...

'Cause I'd hate to cut off what

little you got down there, baby.

Here you go, buddy. Here boy,

here you go, pal, come here.

Come on, let's go. Here we go.

Get your ass back here now!

You broke my nose!

Oh!

Girls!

Run, buddy, I'll find you!

Get him!

B*tch, come back here!

Come back here, motherf***er!

Let's get him!

Get that motherf***er!

Come on, girls!

Let's get him! Get him!

We're gonna kick your ass!

Open that car!

Get out of that car right now!

He was kinda cute.

Hey.

Hello.

Hey, fellas, how you doing?

You borrow money,

you pay money back.

Yeah, of course I do.

So?

You gave me a week.

No, it's a day.

Yeah, but it's a week though,

right?

It's always a day.

It's one day, no?

It's always been a day.

Mm... nice lipstick.

Oh yeah, it's my girlfriend's

lipstick.

Brings out the color

in your eyes.

So, a day?

One day.

All right.

Remind him of the due date, huh?

I'm pretty sure that's you,

Lew...

I just don't know what

happened to you.

I'm running out of time, okay?

The Chinese are coming to visit

the building tomorrow.

It's a lucha libre wrestler...

And I think he's tea-bagging

you, Lew.

I'm gonna lose the sale, okay?

Everything I worked for,

for f***'s sake!

You said you were gonna take

care of this!

All right, I got it, I got it...

Okay?

I'll take care of it.

All right?

Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ.

Hey, Lew, you think you could...

Loan me $5,000?

You want me to lend you...

F*** you!

Steve!

And what happened to you?

You were supposed to take care

of this.

Yeah, I know, I'm sorry,

I got, uh... distracted.

Just go find the graffiti

artist.

It's very creative.

I've never even imagined

tea-bagging someone like that.

I'll...

Hey, Dave.

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