One Wild Oat Page #3

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disgracefully I am NOT interested in

your opinions madam Fred did you hear

what he called me but I am concerned

with the shameful activities of your son

heaven's sake think what your sailors

honk he's nothing but a young Casanova

Caroline I have concrete evidence of it

in black and white I think you're not oh

do you Oh we'll see oh yeah I'd waken

the previous afternoon sleep no heaven

help your panting oh who is this this

gutter line is mr. peeps my divorce case

inquiry agent and social investigate all

pleased to meet you ma'am

humph you're making an awful fool of

yourself the man hasn't had time to

investigate anybody

oh yes yes will you've been in the

business as long as I have you

development knack received peeps

investigation as to character and social

behavior case 37 and on the 4th of July

1939 the party concerned booked a double

room at the VuPoint hotel did Lampton

and on the following morning he was

observed coming down the stairs making

jocular laughing conversation with a

young lady what's going on you know I'm

beginning to dislike you what about up

to now he's been snooping Alfred Snoopy

what do you mean peeping through

keyholes well that's what it amounts to

would you say I took no active part in

the investigation I left that to my back

totem that totem

this is yours he's got a report that it

goes way back says Fred Brazil hotel

with a woman in 1939 well that's

nonsense to start with hanging it any 23

now that'll make him 12 at the time you

have a more recent date beeps I have a

very sultry hotel occasion only ten days

ago sir ten days ago I was in Belfast

well according to my schedule you was in.

Eastbourne are you sure you haven't made

a mistake I've never made one yet ma'am

here it is top of the page private case

number 37 investigation to life of elfin.

Gilby alfred Gilby you've got it all

wrong my name's Alfred Gil V let's go

and see if the cars there mother I'll

show him

elidio you're being awfully bitter I

know how you feel but it isn't the

children's fault ask your husband it is

gifted Shirley's bet you should know

what sort of a man he I've always known

what sort of a man he is but I just

don't like being made to believe it I

wish you could have a word with my

husband before you leave he's really

awfully upset about it and so he should

be

I'd like an investigation into his past

in my opinion he's much too good to be

true wasting my time with such people if

you take my advice you're not a pilot

your husband's doings you may wake up

more than you expect

I suppose it takes almost three hours to

get down there doesn't it hmm going away

no mother is oh I suppose you haven't

thought of apologizing for being so rude

to my father yesterday no I haven't very

well if you still feel like that you

know you're wasting a lot of time life's

too short for all these lovers to

missing don't be a twerp

carry on please forgive me darling I

shouldn't have called your father a nosy

plaque that's right as long as you

didn't mean it

well of course not I just impulsively

said what I was thinking oh did you oh

dear I'm sorry

where's your mother game only to exploit

doctor routine check up on father

oh dear is that going to mean more

trouble it will sort of blow over.

Oh done take things so seriously done

you know when we're back in touch wait

here and a half-wit daddy said this

morning he'll never give his permission

not as long as there's a breath in his

body it's all right sweet we just have

to find a way of promoting the breath

from his body.

Oh deeply thing to say hey listen Vidya

if you don't lay off so help me I'll do

something desperate

you've been nurturing ever since

yesterday and I can't stand any more of

it nor can I I've put up with you as

long as I intend to this time I'm

getting a divorce

good what then I suppose you'll settle

down with your Gloria Oh for the hundred

and forty ninth time I tell you Gloria's

a greyhound it's a miserable coincidence

I happen to have her with me when I

stated that Hotel at East ball mr. Pete

said you went swimming with her that's

an exaggeration I simply held about the

lead while she peddled you were seen

kissing her in the lounge

well I'm very fond of her that's why I

had a basket moved to the adjoining

bedroom during the nights were seem to

go in and out of that bedroom on three

different occasions I've been worried

about her you see she's not how strange

oh don't shout gonna miss your train

mother a greyhound in a bedroom huh

listen Julia cost me 800 quid what am I

gonna do let her sleep on the beach she

probably slept there before Epis if she

sleeps at all at night think she's gone

for good

no yeah was she making for East boy

really whoa not that I mind Marconi I

just don't think he's formally agreed

with her oh you'll make me tired

no with you I think you've reached an

all-time low

now listen don't you start Davy well

isn't it

time you pulled yourself together you

talking to me yes I am Oh fooling around

with a woman it's your turn of life you

ought to be ashamed of yourself

get out yeah get out okay daddy sugar

daddy

there's a mr. Pete's to see use it beeps

oh yes

show him in very good sir the person sir

good morning sir.

Norman sir you measure more sneaky puss

you broke up my home and deliberately

ruptured my family well I didn't act

with malice aforethought that makes it

worse I'm gonna take action against you

would you rather have 200 quid

meaning what sir meaning I want you to

do a little investigating for me well

I'll be very glad to sir good sit down I

want you to dig dive and fed it into the

life of Humphrey Proudfoot you'd break

up something nasty the money's yours

I'll let you off the libel otherwise

I'll get you 15 years imprisonment and

let the boys work over as well ever

drink well mr. Gilby so I'd do anything

in the world to make you happy but since

mr. Pafford got married there's been

nothing you could even put a finger on

ah there must be something somewhere

there is in everybody's life what about

before he was married oh now you're

talking gone what do you do well he had

a very serious love affair with a young

lady in the post office if obviously

obviously whether it's just outside

locks bottom but bottom

oh it's near Orpington Kent or was it

Kensington Dog now I'm a liar.

Oh Benson Kent they used to go on

cycling ships together

all the tree castle the lady's name was

mr. Proudfoot was madly in love with her

yes it was highly romantical but it had

the usual ending and they departed most

unhappy and now always on the same

anniversary

mr. Proudfoot sends a bunch of rose me

an old man's beard to the Arbus Festival

at Doc's bottom yes Rose me remembrance

an old man's beard for remorse

I know it's still on his conscience

you're sure this was before his marriage

18 months before so ah what a pity what

a pity you can say that again

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