Orange Is the New Black Page #8

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PIPER:

(pointing)

Over there.

ALEX:

You didn’t go through customs?

PIPER:

No, I just walked out a door. It

took me right here.

ALEX:

You skipped customs? Holy sh*t.

Genius.

PIPER:

Should I go back?

ALEX:

F***, no. Let’s go to the hotel.

I’m gonna eat you for dinner.

They start walking.

PIPER:

Alex, I was so scared. When the

bag was late, I almost bailed.

ALEX:

Well, good thing you didn’t.

There’s over twenty grand in there.

Alaji would have had you killed.

Piper stops cold. What?

MISS NATALIE (O.S. PRE-LAP)

Keep moving. You’re blocking up

the works.

CUT TO:

INT. DINING HALL - LATER

MISS NATALIE, black, late forties/early fifties, Caribbean,

is sweeping up around the emptying dining hall. She sees

that Piper is flummoxed. She points to a table where Yoga

Janet sits.

ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK "Pilot" JENJI DRAFT 49.

NATALIE:

Go sit there. She’s a nice white

lady.

PIPER:

Oh. Okay. Thanks.

Piper sits at the table.

PIPER (CONT’D)

(shyly)

Hi. Okay if I sit here?

JANET:

Sure. You’re new, right? I saw

you with Rosemarie.

PIPER:

Chapman.

JANET:

Boden. But a lot of people here

call me Yoga Janet. You doing

okay?

PIPER:

Not quite sure how to answer that.

Right now it all feels unreal.

Piper picks at the greyish liver and beige-ish lima beans on

her plate. Janet has reconstituted soy on hers that doesn’t

look much better. There’s also a cup of pudding on Piper’s

tray.

JANET:

Do you know what a mandala is?

PIPER:

They’re round Buddhist art...

things.

JANET:

They can be Buddhist. Or Hindu.

And they’re usually very detailed

and beautiful and spiritual. The

Tibetan monks make them out of sand

that’s been ground down and dyed

with different colors and then they

painstakingly lay it all out into

whatever intricate form it’s going

to take. They work for days,

weeks.

(MORE)

ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK "Pilot" JENJI DRAFT 50.

JANET (CONT'D)

And when it’s done, they

ritualistically dismantle it, place

the sand in a jar, and release it

back into nature.

PIPER:

Wow. That’s. A lot.

JANET:

Try to look at your experience here

as a mandala, Chapman. Work hard

to make something as meaningful and

beautiful as you can. And when

you’re done, pack it in and know

that it was all temporary.

You have to remember that. It’s

all temporary.

PIPER:

It’s all temporary.

JANET:

I’m telling you. Surviving here is

all about perspective. Don’t eat

the pudding.

Piper’s spoon is hovering above it.

PIPER:

What’s the perspective on the

pudding?

JANET:

It comes in big cans marked,

“desert storm.” Sometimes the

kitchen has to scrape mold off the

top before they serve it.

A woman in her sixties, SISTER INGALLS, approaches the table.

SISTER INGALLS:

May I?

JANET:

Sure thing, Sister. Have a seat.

This is Chapman.

PIPER:

Sister? As in nun?

JANET:

Yup. A killer nun.

ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK "Pilot" JENJI DRAFT 51.

SISTER INGALLS:

Oh, stop it. She doesn’t know

you’re kidding. I’m political.

For protesting U.S. military abuses

in South America.

JANET:

By chaining herself to a flagpole

on an army base. It was in all the

papers.

SISTER INGALLS:

They used the most unflattering

photos. I looked like a crazy

person. But it did get attention,

so... One moment.

Sister Ingalls baskets her fingers and prays.

Piper wait.

SISTER INGALLS (CONT’D)

Amen. So. Now. Chapman. What’s

your story?

PIPER:

I chained myself to a drug dealer.

Nina approaches and bangs down her tray.

NINA:

Piper, you can’t be taking advice

from a nun and a hippie.

JANET:

By all means. Seek out the supreme

wisdom of the junkie philosopher.

SISTER INGALLS:

I pray for you, Nina.

NINA:

I pray for you too, Sister. I lust

after you, Janet. Look at those

sinewy arms. You gotta love a yoga

body.

JANET:

You should come to class. Watch me

chaturanga.

NINA:

That whole yoga room smells like

farts. Takes away the magic for

me. You like p*ssy, Piper?

(MORE)

Janet and

ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK "Pilot" JENJI DRAFT 52.

NINA (CONT'D)

Or do you prefer pipe as your name

suggests? I’m feeling some Sapphic

vibes coming off you.

Piper chokes on her water.

SISTER INGALLS:

Oh, leave her alone.

NINA:

Come on, Sister. You know you

would have gone my way if you

hadn’t married Jesus.

SISTER INGALLS:

I don’t know that. I had a

boyfriend before I joined the

order.

NINA:

Did you fool around?

SISTER INGALLS:

We fooled around a bit.

JANET:

Did you like it?

NINA:

Any penetration?

SISTER INGALLS:

No. No penetration.

NINA:

Doesn’t count.

SISTER INGALLS:

I did like it.

NINA:

Still doesn’t count. Oh, look.

Here’s Mommy.

PIPER:

Your mom’s in here too?

NINA:

Maternal figurehead. My actual

mother is living in Brazil with her

boyfriend Paolo who destroys

rainforests and collects

photorealistic art. She is a c*nt.

I am an embarrassment.

ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK "Pilot" JENJI DRAFT 53.

DRINA POPAKDAKIS aka POP, fifties, dyed reddish/purplish

hair, tough, Greek, maternal, approaches the table. She sits

down with a cup of coffee. She reaches into her pocket and

pulls out cups of yogurt which she hands to Nina, Janet and

Sister Ingalls.

NINA (CONT’D)

Thank you, Mommy.

JANET/SISTER INGALLS

Thanks, Pop.

PIPER:

Wait, I’m confused. Is it Mommy or

Pop?

JANET:

Drina Popadakis. Popadakis. Pop.

POP:

Who is this?

NINA:

This is Chapman. She’s new. Self

surrender. I think she’s fancy.

Pop reaches back into her pocket.

POP:

Here, Fancy. Have a yogurt.

PIPER:

Oh, my God. Thank you! This food

is disgusting.

Everyone at the table freezes. Pop slowly takes a sip of her

coffee.

PIPER (CONT’D)

What?

NINA:

Did I mention that Pop runs the

kitchen?

PIPER:

Sh*t. I’m sorry.

Pop leans in. Fixes Piper with a ferocious glare.

ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK "Pilot" JENJI DRAFT 54.

POP:

Honey. I know you just got here,

so you don’t know what’s what, but

I’m going to tell you. You don’t

like the food? It’s no problem.

Pop gets up and stalks away.

NINA:

Holy sh*t. That was an epic f***-

up.

COUNSELOR TORELLA (O.S. PRE-LAP)

Can I help you?

CUT TO:

INT. COUNSELOR’S OFFICE -NIGHT

PIPER:

Um-

COUNSELOR TORELLA, forties, Walrus-y, sits behind his desk

and works on his Pinterest board. Piper stands in the

doorway.

PIPER (CONT’D)

I’m Chapman. I’m new. Today.

They said I should come talk to

you...

I don’t have a PAC number.

COUNSELOR TORELLA

I’m not your counselor. Who’s

they?

Piper gets teary.

PIPER:

Mr. Torella. Please let me call my

fiance. I have to let him know I’m

okay.

He thinks about it. F***. Pain in my ass. Then.

COUNSELOR TORELLA

Close the door. Two minutes.

That’s it. You have two minutes.

PIPER:

(suddenly nervous)

Close the door?

ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK "Pilot" JENJI DRAFT 55.

COUNSELOR TORELLA

I don’t want a run on my office.

I’m about to change my mind.

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