Oscar Page #5

- My daughter, you sap!

I've gotta see her.

Life. You know,

life's a funny thing.

You're here one minute,

gone the next.

- Ain't that the truth?

- Now, you take Louie "The Lug" McGurk.

- He died tragically at 25.

- I'm 25. What happened?

- Somebody stepped on his filngers.

- And that killed him?

He was hangin' from a window ledge

at the Edison Hotel at the time.

The point is, son, The Lug didn't plan

ahead, and the government got everything.

- Poor guy.

- Poor widow, Mrs The Lug.

- Now she's selling apples. Makes you think.

- Sure does.

Now, what if somethin' were to happen to

you? Where would that leave my daughter?

You're right. First thing tomorrow,

I'll get a lawyer and put it in writing.

Son, we're family now.

We don't need any lawyers.

Here, just write what I say.

"I, Anthony Rossano-"

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I just thought of something.

- You're thinkin' when you oughta be writin'.

- If something was to happen to me...

how do I know you'll give

these jewels to your daughter?

Fair enough.

I'll sign a statement too.

You sign yours filrst,

and then I'll sign mine.

- Well, I don't know.

- What's the matter now?

- Maybe we should sign them together.

- Aldo, you be a witness.

Ah, come on, Snaps, you know the rule.

Never witness nothin'. You live longer.

Just do it.

All right, on three.

One, two, three.

I, Anthony Rossano...

I, Snaps Provolone...

hereby declare...

agree to give $50,000...

I am the father...

to my daughter upon her marriage...

of Miss Provolone's child.

to Anthony Rossano.

There.

- Sign it.

- You sign too.

Aldo, you're the witness.

Witness!

Louie "The Lug" was a witness.

Look what it got him.

Quit squawkin'.

- Give me yours.

- You give me yours.

All right, we'll do it together.

Good. Very good.

Now for the fun part.

I believe you two know each other.

All right, Connie, never mind about her

now. Go back to watching my other daughter.

- Finuccis!

- I have something to tell you.

- I know what it is.

- You do?

Sit down, sweetheart.

- You shouldn't be standing in your condition.

- What are you talking about?

You're having a baby.

Your father told me.

I am not having a baby,

and he's not my father.

What?

Mr Provolone, he's not my father.

- Does he know he's not your father?

- Of course he knows he's not my father.

- What kind of a question is that?

- Then he knows you're not his daughter?

Yes. I lied to you, Anthony.

I'm sorry.

- That son of a b*tch.

- What's wrong?

- He conned me out of his money.

- Anthony, I only did it because I love you.

- I was afraid I'd lose you.

- I've gotta get it back.

- Get what back?

- The money, of course!

You seem more interested

in this money than you are in me.

No, no, no. It- Please.

I've just gotta think.

I'm glad I found out what you're

really like before it was too late!

Theresa, come back! Theresa!

Thank God I'm not pregnant!

- What have you two been doin' up there?

- Get out of my way.

Why, I oughta-

Get outta here!

Theresa! Theresa, come back!

There's too much activity.

Snaps is up to somethin'.

It's too quiet.

Provolone is up to something.

Bravo. This suit,

she a work of art.

Of course.

She's a Finucci.

Ah, you Finucci'd me pretty good on

this one. One hundred and filfty bucks.

I'll just write

you boys out a cheque.

I demand to speak with you,

Mr Provolone.

Finuccis, out!

So, what can I do for you, kid?

I guess you're pretty pleased

with yourself.

My father would have been proud. I got

my money back, and nobody got shot.

- Not so fast. I've been tricked.

- I wouldn't do that if I were you.

You forget, Mr Provolone,

you're going straight today.

You're right, I am going

straight today, but they're not.

- And who are they?

- You don't recognize the Finuccis?

Sicilians. The most vicious

contract killers in the country.

They don't look

that vicious to me.

Don't let that fool you.

One word from me, and it's-

Hmm? But, Anthony, if it's the jewels

you want, you can have 'em.

Just keep your part of the bargain

and marry my daughter.

- The real one?

- Of course the real one! Lisa Provolone.

- But I've never even met her!

- Not according to this.

- It'll hold up in any court.

- Give me that!

This document says that you are

the father of my daughter's baby.

Oh, now you're telling me

that your real daughter is pregnant?

- You got a problem with that?

- I am not marrying Lisa!

I am marrying Theresa!

Anthony, Anthony, little Anthony.

We are talkin' about my baby's baby.

- Forget it!

- Fine! Finuccis!

All right, all right, all right.

Call off your dogs.

Finuccis, sit!

Wise decision. Now wait here.

I'll get your filance.

It's about time you two kids met.

What do you want?

Could you tell Signor Provolone we in

a hurry? We gotta do another guy 11:00.

- You do more than one a day?

- Oh, sometimes we do six, eight a day.

It's a cutthroat business, and if we

get backed up, we gotta work weekends.

- And we no like that.

- No. We family "man."

You treat it

like it's a normal business.

To us, it's art.

Show him the picture.

What do you think of this?

- You guys did this?

- Who else? That's a Finucci.

Oh, we get plenty business

from this picture, huh?

Maybe someday we do you too, huh?

And when we get through with you,

nobody gonna recognize you.

- You look a little pale.

- You okay?

Now, this guy's willing

to marry you, so be nice.

- But I want Oscar!

- I want him more than you do...

but he's on the lam,

and Anthony's taking the rap for him.

Thank you very much. Whatever happened

to love? Whatever happened to romance?

Whatever happened to waiting

until the wedding night?

Angelo, please!

Not in front of the help.

Trust me, he's no help. Connie,

go wrap your teeth around some lunch.

Girls.

Lisa, this is your husband-to-be,

Anthony Rossano.

- Lisa. - Hello.

- Hello, Lisa.

You see that?

You're hittin' it off already.

- Sometimes, arranged marriages work out the best.

- Mmm.

- Oscar was cuter.

- Who's Oscar?

- The chauffeur.

- You mean she's having the chauffeur's baby?

Why don't you just

phone it in to Walter Winchell?

Angelo, let's leave

the two lovebirds alone.

Good idea. You two get to know all about

each other, but, Lisa, make it quick.

I got people comin' at noon.

That's the best husband

you could fiInd?

He passed the physical.

He's breathin'.

Finuccis.

So, you're pregnant with Oscar's baby?

Would I be marrying you if I wasn't?

You don't wanna marry me.

I'm in love with someone else.

- So am I.

- Then why are we going through with this?

Because I'd do anything

to get out of this house.

- That makes two of us.

- I wanna-

I wanna go on an African safari.

I wanna run with the bulls in Spain.

I wanna go to the top

of the Empire State Building.

And where am I during all this?

Baby- sitting Oscar's kid?

- You always this nasty?

- Yes! Get used to it!

I'm marrying a brute. I never wanna

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