Other People Page #5

really nice...

If you just walk like

six blocks that way.

There's a good pizza place.

I apologize in advance

for the 9,000 stairs...

You're about to climb, but, uh...

Are you gonna come up?

I c...

Really?

Please don't.

Okay, come on, let's go!

Should we go up?

Let's go.

Ooh, I like the band-aid

on the floor...

It matches the walls.

Hey!

Hi, Paul!

Hi!

It's so nice to see you.

You, too.

Hi. I like the shirt.

Oh, thank you.

Looking good.

Hi! How you doing?

Good, how are you?

Thanks for doing this.

Of course.

So, here is our living room,

slash, family room, slash...

Dining room, slash, kitchen.

And you've seen our gorgeous

foyer.

You don't need anything

more than this!

You've got everything here.

Nice sexy, shiny bedspread.

Oh, sexy, shiny...

Thanks, Alex.

It's pretty sexy.

Hey, I'm sorry that

I wasn't at the show.

This server who's a liar

called in sick.

Oh, it's okay.

It was a great show.

It was so funny.

You've gotta tell Paul

the... news.

What?

Yeah, I saw the artistic

director after...

And he mentioned this ABC show

that's staffing...

And he knows the show-runner.

So I'm gonna send in a spec.

That's great! You already have

that one you can send.

I mean, it needs a lot of work,

but...

Where's your dad?

He's standing downstairs.

Do you have any wine?

Uh, yeah, yeah, we do.

Isn't he waiting?

He is waiting!

Do you have any wine?

I'm just in the mood

for a glass of wine.

Thanks for cleaning.

Yeah, no problem.

Your sisters are starting to

look so much like your mom.

Really?

Yeah, like identical.

Our lease is up on the 30th.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, so, I'm gonna resign it,

but you don't need to worry...

About it. You can leave

your stuff here.

Can we talk about that not now?

Please?

Okay.

Do you want me to...

No, no, I...

I finished like three days ago.

I know, shut up, shut up.

Let's just start over.

David, you're kinda...

I know, I...

Okay, but you're making

a murder face.

Oh, f***...

I'm sorry, that sucked.

I think that's the best

we've ever had.

It was kind of tantric.

Did you wax your butthole?

Haha, what?

You did!

You wa... who are you?

I was just trying it!

You know I hate hair.

So are you, like,

having sex, then?

Why can't I just wax it for me?

Well, you can, but that seems

like a stupid thing to do.

It's fine, if you've had sex.

That's fine.

I know it's fine.

So you have?

No.

You paused, so, you have.

You're creating one

of your fights.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

Also, having sex with

other people would be healthy.

You should try it. Or at least,

you know, date, flirt. Whatever.

Yeah, right. That's me.

Okay, fine, you just sit

inside your head all day.

Okay, so, I haven't had sex...

But I did masturbate like nine

times in one day last week.

Wow, nine?

Yeah, ten years later, I'm back

on that same twin bed...

Just goin' at it like old times.

You sound wistful.

It was kind of nice, yeah.

I got this huge mahogany desk

when I was little.

It's still in there...

And I remember asking

specifically for it...

For my 8th birthday.

Yeah, and of course you asked

for a mahogany desk...

For your 8th birthday.

And one of the drawers has

a lock and key...

So it made sense for me to keep

all of my porn in there.

But it wasn't porn, it was like

the ads from the Sunday paper.

So there would be like this

guy standing there...

In a JC Penney swim suit from

the late 90's...

Just working it and...

Working it?

And um, I would steal it...

Uh-huh.

And masturbate to the same

JC Penney man for like months.

Can you imagine masturbating

to something like that now?

No, I need like full f***ing

and novelty.

Right. The worst part...

Mm-hm.

Oh, my god.

Was that when I went

to college...

I was so worried that my parents

would find these photos that...

Instead of just throwing them

away like a normal person...

I would cut each of the photos

into tiny, little strips...

And then I would soak

them in water.

What?

And then I divvied the soggy bits

up into different trash bags...

And then threw them away into

different garbage cans...

Wait, in case...

Of my neighbors'...

Just on the street.

Like you were worried...

Someone was gonna piece them

back together?

I know.

You think like Sherlock Holmes

was trying to out you?

I don't know.

Going through the trash?

I don't know.

I was an insane person.

Oh, poor, tiny, terrified,

little David.

That's truly horrible.

Hey...

I'm sorry I was an a**hole

about your butthole.

It's okay.

I got it done at this place

called wax poetic.

No, you didn't.

Yeah, I did.

But the guy who did it,

didn't say a single word.

He just like basically grunted.

Did it hurt?

Yeah, it hurt... so bad.

Do you want me to spoon you?

You don't have to.

I know, but I want to.

I want to.

Just pretend I'm the guy

from the JC Penney ad.

Oh, in your dreams.

I got sand on my feet in a

moderately-priced...

Modest swim trunk.

It's such a beautiful day.

Mm-hm.

I might run a little bit.

Okay.

You want to run with me,

just kinda...?

Yeah.

Yeah, I just want to get my

heart rate up.

Okay.

I wanna run.

Hey.

Beccah's at work. I was gonna

go for a walk.

Would you wanna come?

Oh, I'm okay. Thanks, though.

I'm gonna... I gotta finish this.

Okay.

F*** it.

Do you have any idea

what we're about to witness?

I don't know, per Se, but what I

do know is that it is called...

"An evening of movement

and dance for my father...

"Rod Stewart,

on his 60th birthday."

And you'll notice right when you

open it up there's a rose petal.

Which is v-tasteful,

I'm very proud.

I never realized your dad's

name is actually rod Stewart.

Yeah, it's been very hard

for him.

Hi, everybody. Hey, hello,

hello.

Well, first of all, thank you

for coming to my birthday.

And I just got the word

from Justin...

That he's ready to come down,

so...

No, I...

Sorry, ignore that. We don't

know where he's gonna come from.

Oh, and he wanted me to say,

please make sure all your...

Phones are completely on and

that the flash is also on.

All right, uh, I'm supposed

to hit play, hold on.

Justin ladies and gentlemen...

A quick note before the show.

I, Justin, could not be

with you tonight.

So instead, sit back, relax...

And enjoy dancing from my best

friend... Justina Carrera.

Oh my god.

Yes, yes, yes.

Can we be arrested for this?

I feel like we all can and

should go to jail.

Okay, you're just jealous,

because this kid's 1000 times...

More confident than

you'll ever be.

Oh, my god! Ah!

Stunning!

That was so stressful.

I mean, that was the best thing

I've ever seen...

In my entire life.

Did I tell you that me

and my family...

Went to New York last month?

No.

And I took them by to

see me and Paul's apartment.

And my dad wouldn't come up.

No!

Yes, and we were having such

a nice time, before that.

Do the... have you told them that

you're not together any more?

No, I haven't told them.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes