Our Idiot Brother Page #7

more bothersome than a mom clich?

Mom's heart is in the right place.

Mom means well.

Or, the crowning glory

of terrible mom clichs...

I mean...

Um...

I'm gonna be...

right back.

What?

Nat, are you all right?

Are you sick?

- I'm pregnant.

- What?

Oh, my God, that...!

Congratulations, man!

That's so awesome for you guys.

God, what do I f***ing do?

Well... this sounds weird,

but do you think you're not as much

of a lesbian as you thought?

No! No, it was just a thing.

God, I f***ing love Cindy.

You know... just tell her the truth.

She loves you.

Maybe she'll be psyched to have a kid.

What? Yeah,

she's gonna be really psyched.

She's gonna come with me to pick out

a f***ing changing table. Come on!

I cheated on her, I got pregnant,

she should be pissed.

I don't Wanna f*** it up with her, Ned.

If she loves you, she'll forgive you.

I can't have this child.

Holy sh*t, I've destroyed my life.

You're having an affair, aren't you?

- With Tatiana.

- With Tatiana, are you crazy?

Who gave you that idea?

- Your ludicrous brother?

- What does it matter?

Apparently, you're shooting

the movie naked.

- What?

- Even the way you say her name.

Tatiana.

You know, you have

this amazing talent

for making me feel

like a second-class citizen.

- What do you mean?

- I mean, in your own meek, mousy way

you have this brilliant knack

of getting your own way.

I don't understand

what you're talking about.

Wait, what does this

have to do with you and Tatiana?

I never wanted him here,

but you insisted that he stay,

even making me feel like a criminal for

suggesting that he stay somewhere else.

This is bullshit, Dylan.

You're completely evading the issue!

It's not a trick question.

Are you or aren't you sleeping with her?

What are you doing?

I'm leaving this house

before you make me lose my temper

in front of my children.

You couldn't wear pants, Ned?

OK, I took the liberty

of writing up a checklist,

if you could read it over carefully,

please.

That's just the checklist, Ned.

Wait, you put all

of this in your article?

- That stuff was private.

- Well...

Did she ever say it was off the record?

Why would she say it was off the record,

we were just having a conversation.

Ned, come on, she knew

you and I were a team.

She called us a team

the first time that we met.

Yeah, and then you said

we weren't a team.

- No, I didn't.

- Yeah, you did.

I remember precisely,

'cause I thought it was pretty mean.

I dropped everything

to drive you around that day.

All the documentary guys

were going for dim sum.

You know what?

The important thing at this point

is whether this information is true.

It's all we need to know, Ned.

Is this true?

I'm gonna bring Darren in on this.

F***. Fuckity-f***, Ned,

she's getting a lawyer.

How could you do this to a person?

That's so messed up.

How can you do this to me?

Just say "Yes, this happened."

You're not even lying or anything.

It is true, so just...

F***. Look, Ned, I am begging you.

Don't f***ing do this to me, please?

Come on. All right, here they come.

Hi, Darren, how are you?

Ah. I'm not happy at the way this

story's been put together, Miranda.

I'm not either.

You'll have to vouch for the veracity

of the story yourself, Ned.

- Like right now?

- That's right. Right now.

I need to hear it.

- Hey, Miranda.

- Hey, Ted.

- What the f*** is Wrong with you?

- Ahh!

- You couldn't just f***ing say yes?

- Sorry.

How could you do that to me, Ned?

Miranda's such a b*tch

sometimes.

I feel kind of bad,

it was a big opportunity for her.

For what?

Selling her soul for a story?

There was just

a breakdown of communication.

Whatever.

Looks like you found a use for

your mom's post 9/11 escape raft.

It's cool. Sleep well, bud.

- Tomorrow, Operation Free Willie.

- Right on.

Have a good night.

If you get cold,

there are coats up in the...

- Oh, OK.

- Oh, and if you need to pee?

There's a kitty litter box right here.

Nat.

- How's it going?

- Oh. Great.

- Yeah?

- Yeah. Thanks so much for your advice.

- Oh, my God. For sure. No.

- That was awesome.

I mean, she's being exceptionally cool.

She is exceptionally cool.

- Nat, where are my ear plugs?

- Night, Ned.

Night, Nat.

I had a dog

And his name was Blue

I'll tell you what

Ol' Blue would do

Yeah, Blue

Yeah, Blue

Yeah, Blue

He'd go out

Every night about dark

And it wouldn't be long

'Til you'd hear him bark

Yeah, Blue

Yeah, Blue

Yeah, Blue

No way, they're home!

Jesus, what do we do?

We go get Willie Nelson.

Are you mad about

the rooster thing?

Well, a little bit mad

about the f***ing rooster.

Well, I'm telling you,

he's depressed.

And I'm telling you, there's no f***ing

way a rooster is depressed, Billy.

When animals are depressed, man,

they, like, sleep more.

Sorry, didn't mean to touch

your boob.

Humans do it, roosters do it,

then they don't crow in the morning.

- That's why I overslept.

- I'm so psyched

- you and Nat weathered that storm.

- Yeah, We're good. We're good.

And to power through infidelity,

man, you can do that,

you can do anything.

Oh, come on!

Locked? She locked it?

Hold on. Right here.

Come in.

Hey, you know, that Christian, he's kind

of lame, but he's really handsome.

So there's a good chance your baby

is going to be very striking.

Oh!

Buddy!

I missed you so much!

Hey, Nat. Oh, no,

I'm just with your brother

and he just told me some real

interesting news.

- No!

- Nothing,

just that you're apparently pregnant

with the spawn

of that f***ing cult-y f*** f***!

Yeah, sure. She wants to talk to you.

No, no.

- Hello?

- Oh, shoot.

- Hey, Nat. Now's not a great time.

- Who's here?

Janet, hey, what's up?

- Can I call you back?

- Jesus Christ.

- Yeah, it's me!

- What's going on, how's it going?

- You don't sound very sorry!

- You thought you'd come and take him?

- Who the f*** is this?

- You're gonna blame Ned?

That's your tactic?

OK, I really didn't want to get

litigious, but I brought a lawyer.

I am sorry I don't have a fat,

throbbing cock for you!

That's some Ivy League

sh*t out there, man.

- Really?

- Cindy!

You wouldn't, would you, Nat? 'Cause

you're f***ing selfish, that's why.

No, no, no! I wanna

talk about this now, damn it!

- I need your help, Cindy. Could you...?

- Really? An accident?!

An accident is when you

fall off your f***ing bike!

- Not when you f*** somebody!

- Hey, Ned. What's up, man?

- Hey, man.

- Caught the master criminal here

trying to steal Willie Nelson.

What happened

to the Dixie Chicks show?

The Dixie Chicks? That's next Thursday.

- Right, Janet?

- Yeah.

- Next Thursday.

- When I talked to you last week,

- you said it was next Thursday.

- Oh. It is. Next Thursday.

Yeah, but when I talked to you a week

ago, you said "Next Thursday."

I'm thinking, today.

So it's better for you

if I say "Next, next Thursday"?

It's not better now. I thought you were

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