Our Idiot Brother Page #6

Tell me what he said, Ned.

He said you can be a tad bossy.

And you're not really his type,

physically. That was it, but...

- Wait, what?

- Hey, man, how's pomegranate?

- It's terrific.

- Why, because I'm not 14?

How's that?

Ned, tell me exactly what he said.

- God, do I have to?

- Yes.

F***.

- So, where's Dylan today?

- He had to work.

He's been so edgy and... distant.

Liz?

Yeah?

I think Dylan's having an affair.

What?

- What are you talking about?

- Ned told me.

Oh, yeah, OK, Ned.

Let's face it, I mean...

OK, Ned told me the facts.

I had to put it together.

He said that Dylan

was spending a lot of private time...

with the woman in his film, Tatiana.

- Tatiana, she's...

- Naked.

Maybe it was some, like,

dance experiment or...

Liz...

- Do popcorn, Uncle Ned.

- In a minute, buddy.

You sure she's gonna be at that concert?

Yeah, she hasn't missed

a Dixie Chicks show in... ten years.

And you're sure that she's

gonna leave Willie Nelson behind?

According to Billy, she hasn't

taken him on an outing in months.

- Poor guy.

- She's such a dick.

- Come on, Uncle Ned.

- All right, Riv, let's go.

On your back.

Ah!

Yeah!

Yeah, baby!

His whole "I'm saving the

world" thing, it was bullshit, right?

- We always knew it. F*** him.

- Yeah, f*** him.

And his little Russian

ballerina b*tch.

This is the man I built my life with,

what do you expect?

That I just... throw it all away

or something?

- No. I don't know.

- Maybe.

Damn Ned!

- I never should have let him stay.

- This is not Ned's fault.

Everything was going fine

until he arrived.

- How is this Ned's fault?

- A family is a very precarious thing.

You guys will see

when you get it together.

OK, Liz, look.

Don't take this the wrong way,

because Dylan is totally

the a**hole in this situation for sure.

- He's a douchebag.

- I hate his guts. But...

is it possible that...

you know, maybe he

thought you gave up?

Gave up on what?

You're, you know, this whole...

You used to be so hot, Liz. I remember

all my friends lusting after you.

- They thought you were awesome.

- Yes! You had the great b*obs,

- and you were always tall and...

- You're still tall.

- Yeah.

- Well, what's wrong with me now?

Well, come on...

Liz, I mean, look. I don't know.

What's going on with your hair here?

It's like a science experiment

back there.

And I know you own contacts.

You're wearing plastic shoes,

and what is this shirt even made of?

- It's flax.

- See? I mean, isn't that a food?

- You're wearing food.

- What are you saying?

- If only I looked more like you?

- What? No.

Got my hair styled every day and wore

absurd heels that no one can walk in,

that maybe my husband wouldn't

be screwing around on me?!

I'm just trying to help!

OK, Liz? That's all!

I hardly think you're in a position

to give man advice!

Jesus Christ, you guys,

all Miranda's saying is just,

like, maybe it would be cool

if you just, like,

looked semi-fuckable once in a while.

- Thank you!

- Oh, God!

I mean, how long has it been

since you've had sex?

I don't know! Echo's five months,

so, you know...

- Plus nine, it's like...

- What?!

- Plus nine?!

- Are you kidding me?

That's, like, over a year!

How can people live like that? That's...

I am different from you.

I have other things to do than

worry about getting my rocks off.

- What is that supposed to mean?

- You think I'm sleeping around?

- I'm not sleeping around!

- Nobody thinks that.

- I didn't say that.

- I love Cindy.

- This isn't about you, Nat!

- It's just seduction is your thing,

- your means to self-esteem.

- Ohh!

- I don't care!

- Screw you and screw you!

What did I do? Nat!

What is up your ass'?!

Babe, you OK?

- You're all sweaty.

- Babe.

They just dump everything on it,

sprinkles and like Oreos.

- What about sunflower seeds?

- They're actually good.

- They're good?

- Yeah.

- What about...

- River, come on.

Sweetie, come on.

Come on, it's time to go, come on.

Come on.

- See ya, buddy.

- See ya.

Hey, Riv, check it out.

Grow the hell up, Ned.

Hey, read it last night.

Quite the story.

PR thinks it's gonna get you

on a bunch of talk shows.

Oh, now you're MIC Moral High Ground?

No, I didn't say anything.

I love my brother, but let's be honest,

he doesn't live in the adult world.

Oh, but your story's adult

with all the gory details

- and bitching aside?

- Sometimes in the adult world

we have to do things that,

you know, we're not very pro...

Let's just drop it,

because you wouldn't understand.

I wouldn't understand?

Why wouldn't I understand?

Why, because I'm an unpublished

sci-fi writer?

- What? Don't be ridiculous.

- Oh, no, that's not it. That's not it.

It's because I don't have health

insurance. That's what it was.

- Did Ned...? I'm gonna murder him.

- I don't know how I found that out.

- He's...

- Are you helping at all?

- I'm guiding it.

- You're guiding it?

- Someone has to guide...

- Let go. You weren't doing anything.

- That's what he said?

- Hey, Ned!

Really? You had to go and tell Jeremy

about that little stupid thing I said

about the health insurance?

Why are you such a blabbermouth?

Is that my brush? Ew!

What are you doing?

I don't wanna know.

Uh...

I'm surprised that you even asked

my opinion on your work,

since... Wait, I'm not even a grown-up?

Is that what it was?

Ned! That...

OK, what you don't understand

is that my brother is a retard.

- Oh, OK.

- That's true.

See? Thank you.

No, I mean, she didn't say that at all.

What she was that

you're not like a real man.

- Ned! Wait!

- That's much better.

- No...

- That's great. Thank you, Miranda.

Oh, no, no, no, no! This is just...

This is just a breakdown

of communication.

- Obviously. Really nice, Miranda.

- Don't try to make me feel bad

about any of this when, according

to you, I'm... What was it, Ned?

- ...Hideously ugly.

- What?

- Yeah.

- I didn't say that.

Miranda, I would never

say that about you.

- He so didn't say that about you.

- Thank you, tell her I didn't say that.

He said your personality gets in the way

of your looks, your very good looks.

Dude... do you have Tourettes?

- What the f***?

- Wow.

This is much worse

than I thought it was.

- I didn't say that.

- I don't even know why I care.

Because the idea of the two of you

sitting around, talking about girls,

is so pathetic, it's almost funny.

It's almost funny?

I don't see you laughing right now.

It doesn't seem like

you think it's funny at all.

OK, um, here's your story.

Thank you for letting me read

your wonderful article.

Hope you sleep well. Ned, you might

wanna take a look at that.

- See you later.

- Jer.

Give me that, Ned!

Keep your mouth shut, Ned,

just keep it shut!

- Sorry.

- He's like my best friend.

- Thanks a lot!

- I'm sorry.

This is like in prison

when I told Bob about Jose.

I'm pretty sure it's nothing like that.

I mean, is there anything

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